Weirdness

Things are weird - I feel manic and in denial and calm all at the same time.  May has been a weird month for me, for all of us I am sure.  But for me, I found myself hospitalized and isolated from family and friends for a full week.  Then I was part of a reduction in force at work, which has left me scrambling to update my resume and reach out to my professional network.

I've been making lists about what I need to do to hit the job search running.  All the while it feels like it's not real and I'm just on vacation.  Sadness creeps in when I think about how much I loved that job.  Then I feel like things are kind of okay because people are already reaching out with possible job opportunities in the same field.  And then I feel a bit of panic around paying bills and what the future will bring for medications.  

I keep having dreams that I'm late for work, so it doesn't feel real yet.  I've been trying to stay positive and find silver linings where I can.  Today's non-scale victory, as weight watchers calls it, was fitting into a size 12 again.  The Barbie dress I bought and wanted to wear to the work party in December finally zips up and isn't tainted with a bittersweet memory.  It's waiting for an event.

It makes me worried about my next flair up though - if the diagnosis is correct, I'll be dealing with this for a long time.  I'd been bitching about how I'd lost 25 pounds and not dropped a dress size and I think what must have happened was that my belly was so distended I didn't notice a difference.  Since I've been home, I've lost another 5 pounds and the change in my body is significant.  So I must have been accepting bloating and pain as normal when it clearly was not.  I did the same thing when my disc herniated in my neck - kept ignoring the red flags my body was sending out until it reached a critical state.  So how do I recognize the warning signs for the next time?