A Crohn's Story - Part 3: Realities

I've had some realities hit me today in a way that I did not anticipate.  I received my first shipment of Humira from the pharmacy.  I've spent the last few days on the phone with various nurses and PAs talking about what to expect and what I'll need to prepare for my first injection.  But watching all of the training videos and tutorials did not prepare me for the wave of emotion I would feel just unboxing the materials.

It makes it real in a way that nothing else has so far.  My hospital visit, though serious and lonely, still made it feel like it was temporary somehow.  You know, something to get through and then never worry about again - like my other surgeries.  Even the pain I've had since I got out of the hospital seemed short term - live with it until you figure out how to manage it.  But opening this box and realizing I'll have to take this shot every two weeks put it in the same column as Diabetes for me.

Diabetes being something my mother has and has to control through diet and insulin shots.  It's something she'll always have and it's not going to go away entirely.  She's a sick person and the last thing I ever wanted to be was a sick person.  I'm not even sure how else to describe it.

It's real, it's happening, and I don't want it.

A Crohn's Story - Part 2: Diagnosis and Denial

I spent most of the next day waiting for the doctors to tell me when I could be released.  There had been the promise of real food and then the bigger promise of going home if my stomach could handle the food.  So I started with a liquid diet - chicken broth, jello, non-dairy protein drink.   I'd never been so excited for chicken broth in my life.   It stayed down and I stayed pain free.

Then they moved me up to a low-fiber diet.  In this case, it was a grilled chicken sandwich with some roasted carrots.  Again, this was the best chicken sandwich I'd eaten and I didn't even mind the carrots.  They made me wait a full half an hour before agreeing to release me and that was the slowest half an hour of my life.

It felt like Christmas and my birthday all wrapped into one when they finally took the PICC line out.  But that was quickly quelled when the doctors came in to talk to me about Crohn's disease and what to do when I got out of the hospital.

Internally, I was second guessing everything the doctors told me.  I kept trying to think of other things that could be causing my symptoms.  The internet has no end of possibilities for alternate diagnoses and I was convinced that it was a kind of false positive caused by the excessive amounts of Aleve I had been taking for my herniated disk.

I scheduled a second opinion with my dad's GI doctor and he was very patient with me as I asked all of my questions.  He gave me reasonable explanations for why my alternate theories couldn't be an accurate diagnosis and he reviewed the treatment plan laid out by the GI doctor I had in the hospital.  My heart was very heavy at the end of that call - I didn't want to be a "sick" person.

There is a lot of emotional baggage when you're diagnosed with a chronic disease.  The worst was when I read that my condition would be considered pre-existing for most health insurance companies and that I would also be covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 .  There is something about being protected by legislation that made me feel helpless.  Your health, safety, and livelihood can hinge on whichever way the political wind is blowing. (And, yes, I realize I'm coming from a place of privilege when I say this.)

A Crohn's Story - Part I: Pain, Hospital Stay, Potential Diagnosis

To be honest, I'd been worried about stomach pain since November 2019 and my doctor thought it might be IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) but, at the time, it was not as important as getting the herniated disc in my neck fixed.  The pain didn't happen all the time, or even after eating the same foods, so I wasn't too concerned about it myself.

Then around February I started tracking when I had stomach pain in my bullet journal.  I combined this with stepping up food tracking in my Weight Watchers app - to see if I could determine causation.  I was also experiencing severe back pain and trouble sleeping, which I thought was unrelated to the stomach pain.  K and I even went so far as to buy a new mattress to help improve our mutual back problems - his improved and mine did not.  I was thinking I might have another disc problem but in my lumbar this time.

In March and April, I started to see a correlation between bowel movements and stomach pain.  This wasn't really a surprise to me, I've been concerned about not having enough fiber in my diet ever since my gall bladder was removed ten years ago.  So I started stepping up the fiber routine to help with the constipation pain I thought I was having.  Towards the end of April, the stomach/back pain got much worse and I realized they must be related somehow - maybe kidney stones or some kind of infection.  So I scheduled an appointment with my Primary Care Doctor.

But before I could get to my first virtual appointment to address the issue, I had the worst pain I'd experienced since my gall bladder went bust.  It actually felt a lot like that pain, except it was lower in my stomach and radiating out to my back.  I could even time it, like with my gall bladder, and know that within a half an hour of eating I would get an attack of pain.  

After one sleepless Friday night, I went to Urgent Care.  They diagnosed me with GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease) and sent me home with pills to control the acid in my stomach.  I knew it couldn't be GERD, but thought maybe I had an ulcer or something that could be relieved with the stomach acid pills.  They didn't help at all and I spent the next two nights in pain until I finally realized if I stopped eating by 8:30pm I could at least lay down at bedtime.

PICC Line

My doctor sent me for a CT scan and I was willing to pay the out of pocket cost to be seen on Wednesday instead of waiting a week for insurance to approve it.  I have never been so glad I made that decision.  It turns out, I had two abscesses in my intestine and a fistula had formed between them.  My doctor sent me to the ER and I spent the next week waiting to see what the official diagnosis would be.

The doctors at the hospital put me on an antibiotic and a no food/no drink diet.  I had a PICC line inserted into my right arm  - for those that don't know, because I certainly didn't before this happened, it's a tube that is inserted into a vein in your arm (or leg, or neck) that goes all the way to an area near your heart.   So it's important to keep it clean and make sure there aren't any bubbles in the tubing.  There is a fork in the tubing that allows for two points of entry - one was dedicated to TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) and the other was used to draw blood or inject medicines. The hospital used this to feed me - using TPN which looked like a weird milkshake in a bag.

TPN is a mixture of sugar (dextrose) for energy and protein (amino acids).  Sometimes they add Fats (lipids), Electrolytes (such as potassium, sodium, calcium, magnesium, chloride, and phosphate are also included), and other vitamins/minerals as needed.  It contains everything a human being needs to survive.  The nursing staff tested my blood regularly to make sure I was getting everything I needed for normal bodily functions and adjusted the mixture from day to day to meet those nutritional goals.  The bag would be delivered every day at 8pm and would run for 24 hours.

TPN Bag

What the TPN did was to allow my bowel to completely rest by not digesting any food at all which, in turn, allowed the abscess to begin to heal.  The first day was pretty miserable because my brain was still sending hunger signals to my stomach, but after a while everything righted itself and I didn't have the feeling of being hungry all the time.  In combination with the hospital no visitor policy,  it made me realize was how much of an event eating food really is.  It's not just about nourishing your body - it's a social event and an activity to stave off boredom all rolled into one.

The whole week was spent mostly alone, except for the doctors and nurses who would stop in, and running all kinds of tests to rule out what was causing the abscess.  My partner, father, and step-father, were all able to drive by and wave to me through the window - K even brought our puppy for a walk where I could see her for Mother's day - but it isn't nearly the same as being able to be in the same room with the people you love.  I know that it was equally as difficult for my family to not be able to visit me and they felt helpless while I was going through all of this.

The Gastrointestinal(GI) Team at the hospital ruled out a troubled appendix very early and mentioned it could be a form of IBD (Inflammatory Bowel Disease) but needed more tests to determine for sure.  I suggested, in vain, that my father had diverticulitis and maybe this was something related.  What I wanted was something that could be treated, healed, and then forgotten - like I'd done with my Gall Bladder, Tonsils, and already the replaced disc in my neck.  What I didn't want was something I'd have to worry about the rest of my life - like diabetes, cancer, or some other disease.

The final procedure to determine my final diagnosis was a Colonoscopy.  For those that have the tremendous fortune to never have been through this process, please count yourselves the luckiest SOBs on the planet.  It's less about the procedure and more about the preparation for it.   I had to drink a gallon of what I can only describe as stagnant seawater that had been filtered through a jock strap and infused with celery.  I'm pretty sure it was straight out of the tank where they kept the Sea Monster in The Shape of Water.  Thankfully, I'd already been on TPN for 6 days and there wasn't a lot to cleanse out of my system. 

The Colonoscopy - about eleven years earlier than I had anticipated having one - wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  There were, however, complications that have now made me impervious to public embarrassment.  My period had started a few days earlier, because of course it did, and I had to use the large medical sanitary pads the hospital had stocked.  So I had to keep my underwear on and then shimmy them down to my ankles right before the procedure in a room.  And, of course, the Colonoscopy team that day was all male.  

Otherwise, it wasn't unlike the outpatient procedures I had for my tonsils, gall bladder, or ACDF surgery.  They wheeled me back, told me they would put me under and to count backwards from 100.  Then the next thing I remember is being wheeled back out to the recovery room to fully wake up.   The nurses in the recovery room were very attentive and kind.  They offered me a ton of literature on IBD - specifically Crohn's Disease -  and a low-residue diet. So this was the first confirmation that I was going to be diagnosed with Crohn's and it felt like being blindsided even though the GI team had mentioned it as one of the items they wanted to test for. 

The doctors has taken a piece of tissue during the Colonoscopy to biopsy - because that was the only way to definitively diagnose Crohn's Disease.  I held onto that for the rest of my hospital stay - hoping and praying that the biopsy would show something else and we'd have to cross Crohn's off the list.  Unfortunately, I didn't get the official diagnosis until two weeks later when I went for my follow-up exam at the GI's office.  Even then, I insisted on a second opinion to be sure.

Weirdness

Things are weird - I feel manic and in denial and calm all at the same time.  May has been a weird month for me, for all of us I am sure.  But for me, I found myself hospitalized and isolated from family and friends for a full week.  Then I was part of a reduction in force at work, which has left me scrambling to update my resume and reach out to my professional network.

I've been making lists about what I need to do to hit the job search running.  All the while it feels like it's not real and I'm just on vacation.  Sadness creeps in when I think about how much I loved that job.  Then I feel like things are kind of okay because people are already reaching out with possible job opportunities in the same field.  And then I feel a bit of panic around paying bills and what the future will bring for medications.  

I keep having dreams that I'm late for work, so it doesn't feel real yet.  I've been trying to stay positive and find silver linings where I can.  Today's non-scale victory, as weight watchers calls it, was fitting into a size 12 again.  The Barbie dress I bought and wanted to wear to the work party in December finally zips up and isn't tainted with a bittersweet memory.  It's waiting for an event.

It makes me worried about my next flair up though - if the diagnosis is correct, I'll be dealing with this for a long time.  I'd been bitching about how I'd lost 25 pounds and not dropped a dress size and I think what must have happened was that my belly was so distended I didn't notice a difference.  Since I've been home, I've lost another 5 pounds and the change in my body is significant.  So I must have been accepting bloating and pain as normal when it clearly was not.  I did the same thing when my disc herniated in my neck - kept ignoring the red flags my body was sending out until it reached a critical state.  So how do I recognize the warning signs for the next time?

20th Anniversary of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Twenty years ago today, the world was introduced to one of the most amazing pieces of fiction.  My life since Harry Potter was first published has been one of constant denial.  For starters, I refused to read the books when they were first being published.  I am not the kind of person who likes to be caught up in a mania and, at the time, the idea of adults bewitched by children's literature seemed absurd to me.  Then, when I finally did cave in and submit to the incredible phenomenon that was

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (or the Sorcerer's Stone in the States), I refused to accept that I would be sorted into Hufflepuff.  Didn't I have the heart of a Gryffindor after all?

My first refusal was quickly overturned when my retail establishment started carrying Harry Potter merchandise and I was hopelessly lost in trying to up-sell items to my customers.  I was able to fake it for a while, but I knew I would have to read at least one of the books if I wanted to continue to be successful in my job.  I decided to read only one book and, as fate would have it, a child had left behind their copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  After a few weeks, when no one came back to claim the book, I decided to borrow it. . . for research purposes only.  Once read, I couldn't believe I'd waited three years to discover this magical world and quickly devoured all the other available titles.  Like so many others, I anxiously awaited the release of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and then I shushed those who would spoil the secrets it held.  For a self-proclaimed literary nerd, it was an exciting time.

My second refusal has been much longer in resolving itself.  For 17 years, I've taken every possible fan-made test available in a attempt to be sorted into a different house.  Then in 2012, I received the definitive sorting on Pottermore and grudgingly realized that I was and would always be a Hufflepuff but I never accepted it in my heart of hearts.  To me, the Hufflepuff seemed the weakest of the houses without any majorly defining characteristics.  You have to admit that the sorting hat song - Said Hufflepuff, "I'll teach the lot and treat them just the same." - sounds an awful lot like being picked last in gym class.  

But as I have grown into adulthood, I've come to realize that Hufflepuff is actually one of the strongest houses.  It's incredibly easy to pick friends or sides when the world is seen in definite terms -  Ravenclaw wants the smartest people, Slytherin the most ambitious, and Gryffindor the bravest.   The real difficulty is in seeing that the world cannot be clearly defined and that there are multiple points of view for almost every issue.  Navigating these waters where dedication, loyalty, and fair play are valued above all else is incredibly treacherous.   It's also extremely tiresome and draining on an individual.  For not only is the world a muddled mess but one can see that everyone's opinion has value.  Whether you agree with that value or not is a different story. 

36th Birthday

I've meant to be better about writing this year and so far I've failed miserably - both here and in my personal journal.  Though I've started to Bullet Journal in place of my traditional planner and that has captured the other 10% of the space I'd use in my personal journal.  There are a number of other goals that I have yet to begin, but I need to remember that it is only February and there are 10 other months left in the year.

My mother has been able to successfully start on one of her major goals - decluttering - and I could not resist asking her to send me a few of her old pattern books.  I thought they might be useful items to sell in my Etsy shop and I am, therefore, considering it an investment in the future and not adding to my own clutter that desperately needs to be culled.

In the last six months, I cannot help but think of my mother and what she was like at my age.  As a child you always have a limited understanding of your parents as people and it's only when you begin to live your own life that you wonder about theirs.  I have found myself in the local art store coveting some of the fancier supplies they sell and wishing I had a dedicating space to work on projects.  And then I remember the art corner my mother once had in our basement and all the amazing things she stored there.

Did she want to be an artist?  Meaning a professional or semi-professional one that was able to create art that could be sold in coffee shops and local boutiques?  I remember her sewing, cross stitching, and designing so many different things when I was younger.  Had she ever considered working in a creative field like graphic design, cartooning, painting, or screen printing?

I always felt that my mother was this incredibly talented woman who could make anything.  When I talk to her now, she will demur and say that she's not that good at x, y, or z thing when I know she is.  She'll ask me to create things for her, that I know she could easily do herself, but for some reason she doesn't have the confidence that she could.   I didn't develop my talents in a vacuum, they were learned from watching her or listening to her talk about her projects.  So I wonder what happened between 36 and 65 to bring her to that point where she doubts her own abilities.

If I could go back in time, and meet my mother as a peer, what kind of person would she be?  Would I be able to inspire her to follow some deeply hidden dream?  What will I wish I had done now when I'm 65?

2016 in Review

There are so many reasons that 2016 should have been one of the best years of my life and perhaps, years from now, when I look back on it it will be.  But with 2016 quickly coming to a close, I honestly feel like I won't be sorry to see it end.

At the beginning of the year, I graduated from Business School and finally took the sister trip we've been dreaming about for years.   At the end of the year, my sister was able to marry her girlfriend in one of the best ceremonies I've seen in a long time.  I was even able to finish the rough draft of a very promising novel during National Novel Writing Month.  But it was around November things started to take a nose dive and they haven't been able to recover at all.

There is the obvious disappointment, for a registered Democrat, in November.  But the fallout of that event and the friendships that have been strained have left me anything but Thankful in November.  And now, in December, my mother's car has been stolen.  Which makes it extremely difficult to feel goodwill towards men at a time when it is most needed.

Then there are the personal disappointments.  I interviewed for a job that ticks off all of my needs for a career in Accounting.  The interview went well and they actually offered me the position.  Unfortunately, I had to decline because of the pay rate.  No matter how I tried, I could not work my budget to accept a $10K pay cut to switch careers.  My own car needing some extensive repair work was a painful reminder that I cannot accept less than my current salary.

And I don't think that my potential career growth in my current company will be enough to allow me to start a family.  At 35, this is a major concern for me and I'm desperately trying not to get freaked out about the shrinking window of time before the biological clock goes off and I can't hit snooze on it anymore.

I have many things I want to accomplish before I have kids, but I don't know how it will all fit in with my current financial situation.  Which is not to say that kids and my plans are mutually exclusive, kids are actually part of that plan, it's just going to be a lot more difficult to make it all work the way I'd like it to.

Election 2016 - Personal Thoughts

I've been thinking on the events of the last few days a great deal.  I've had multiple discussions with people on both sides of the dividing line and with those trapped in the middle of the chaos that has erupted in our nation.  My arena is very small in the context of the country at large and my own opinion is inherently biased simply due to the fact that I am a human being with my own strengths and weaknesses.

In the midst of all of the arguments - of people yelling at each other and not listening - I am once again reminded of A Passage to India by E.M. Forster.  It's a favorite of mine and I've often felt that my life philosophy has been heavily influenced by its themes.  In particular, I've been thinking about the Marabar Caves and Mrs. Moore's experience there.

"The echo in  a Marabar cave is . . . entirely devoid of distinction.  Whatever is said, the same monotonous noise replies, and quivers up and down the walls until is is absorbed into the roof.  'Boum' is the sound as far as the human alphabet can express it, or 'bou-oum', or 'ou-boum' - utterly dull.  Hope, politeness, the blowing of a nose, the squeak of a boot, all produce 'boum'.  Even the striking of a match starts a little worm coiling, which is too small to complete a circle, but is eternally watchful.  And if several people talk at once an overlapping howling noise begins, echoes generate echoes, and the cave is stuffed with a snake composed of small snakes, which writhe independently. . . If one had spoken vileness in that place, or quoted lofty poetry, the comment would have been the same - 'ou-boum'.  If one had spoke with the tongues of angels and pleased for all the unhappiness and misunderstanding in the world, past, present, and to come, for all the misery men must undergo whatever their opinion and position, and however much they dodge or bluff - it would amount to the same, the serpent would descend and return to the ceiling."

If you ask a person who identifies with one major political party about the other, they will all tell you similar things:

1. The Other Political Party is Corrupt
2. The Other Political Party lacks morals
3. The Other Political Party doesn't care about the American People
4. The Other Political Party isn't listening to the struggles of everyday Americans
5. The Other Political Party wants to destroy America
6. The Other Political Party will drive us to economic ruin

If you belong to a major political party, think about your own party and how you view the opposing one and tell me this isn't true.  I would almost guarantee that the other parties and independents feel similarly about the major parties as a whole.  We're all shouting things into the void and its all coming back the same.

A big part of Forster's novel is around the Hinduism ideal of unity. I think most religions have the idea that all living things will be united in love as one.  But I think that we, as human beings, have difficulty in accepting the reality of what achieving this ideal actually means.  In order to be united as one we must learn to compromise on some things and to let go of the self.  There is no one perfect human vision of unity or peace where all involved get exactly what they want or deserve.

Mortality

Upon returning from my wonderful trip abroad, my friend H asked to come over to my house. I immediately knew that something must be wrong because city residents are always loathe to give up their parking spaces. We usually meet at her house or somewhere nearby that is accessible via public transit so that she can avoid the usual headaches associated with City Parking. Shortly before my graduation, she had learned that a mutual friend had passed away. Knowing that I had worked so hard for the last 5 years on my degree and my sister and I had planned a trip for after graduation, she opted to keep the information to herself until after I returned. After she told me, I was stunned. I was thankful that it hadn't been any of the 100 terrible scenarios I'd imagined before she arrived, but I was also in disbelief that this other person was gone. Naturally, my friend H was concerned that I would be angry with her for keeping the information for so long. But I was actually incredibly grateful to her for suffering alone through my happy milestones. I felt terrible that we had all sat at dinner on the evening I graduated and laughed at stupid family stories while she was dealing with the loss of a friend.

It makes me wish that I were better at keeping in touch with people.  That I wasn't so lazy by using Facebook to keep tabs.  A friend of mine was dead for 3 months and I had no idea.  It was a friend with whom I lost touch and hadn't actively talked to in about 5 years.  Part of it was that he was pushing people away and the other part was that I was simply too busy in my own life to reach out to anyone.  I need to be a better human being now that school is completely done.

35th Birthday

35, it's a nice round number to me.  It's halfway between 30 and 40.  Established in my life enough that I can build and make plans, but not so set in my ways that I can't course correct if needed.

Graduation is just around the corner and I am anxious to get started with this next phase of my life.  What exactly does adulthood look like without the burden of school?  I'm ready to advance in a career and stop living paycheck to paycheck.  I don't have to be rich, though I wouldn't object to that, but I don't want to have to struggle the way I have been the last 15 years.

I'm trying to focus on the positive things ahead of me and not get bogged down in the worries I've started to feel pulling at the corners of my mind.  I need to not rush into things out of fear that I'll miss out on something.  But I also need to not be afraid to take chances and make changes as needed.

This is all somewhat cryptic, I know.  But I am hopeful for the future without knowing exactly what path I should take next to make all of my hopes and dreams come true.

Weight Watchers - Week#6

Official Weigh-in: 203.7 lbs.
Starting Weight: 207.2
Change since last week: +0.5 lbs.
Overall change:-3.6 lbs.
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Last Week's Weekly Goal:  Track more carefully
This Week's Weekly Goal: Track more carefully

I'm keeping the same goal again for this week.  I started off strong this week, but then slacked off again towards the end.  There's a gain of .5 to show for it, though it's actually down from the official Weight Watchers weigh in I did at a meeting on Saturday.  So there's improvement, but I can definitely do better.

I've been dealing with a lot of negative head space lately.  I know we all deal with it from time to time and especially when we're working on something as personal as weight loss/healthy lifestyle changes.  This journey is not like any other goal in our lives.  Because everyone has an opinion on it and will offer it unsolicited.  

Even if people don't know that you're dealing with it, you still hear their opinions.  At work the other day, there was a conversation about how easy it is to lose weight and don't people realize that it's just a simple matter of calories in and calories out.  But it's not that simple.  It's not like smoking or drinking or biting your nails where it's something you struggle to abstain from completely.  Food is something you need to survive.  Yes we should abstain from the things that aren't healthy for us, but it's not always that easy and it can feel like all food is your enemy when we reduce it to calories in.  Just as exercise can feel like a punishment when we look at it as simply calories out.

Many of us struggle with the journey because of our relationships with food.    Advertising is constantly telling us about our cravings and how their product is the only one that will satisfy said craving.  Time out with friends is usually around drinking or a restaurant meal.  Free lunches at work meetings where Pizza is always the quickest and easiest option to feed a crowd.  In our society, food is a reward, a stress reliever, a social outing, and a comfort.  It's easier to stop at a fast food joint on the way to this appointment or between obligations than to cook something at home.

I love the new Oprah commercial where she talks about bread.  Because I share her love of bread and completely relate to what she says.  But I've learned this week that, unlike Oprah, I can't manage it yet.  If I'm presented with rolls I'm not going to eat just one and then I don't have points for real food.  So maybe I will focus on that while I'm tracking this week.  

I'm going to try and budget points not just for a single day but for each meal within that day. So 10 points per meal and if I consume fewer points for breakfast the remaining points will be evenly distributed to the remaining meals.   Meaning, instead of seeing 30 points for the day (12 of which are taken up by garlic knots) I will see 14 points for lunch after my yogurt breakfast.  Maybe this will help me to weigh my options more carefully.  Because 12 out of 14 sounds a lot more wasteful than 12 out of 30.  Hopefully, this way I won't trash the whole day with free garlic knots at work.

Good luck this week!

Weight Watchers - Week#5

Official Weigh-in: 203.2 lbs.
Starting Weight: 207.2
Change since last week: +2.8 lbs.
Overall change:-4.1 lbs.
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Last Week's Weekly Goal:  Track more carefully
This Week's Weekly Goal: Track more carefully

As predicted last week, my lax habits have gotten worse and it clearly shows on the scale.  But it's okay, I went back to a meeting last night and did an official weigh in.  I wanted to stay home and slink under the covers, eating red velvet Oreos and promising myself that I'd do better next week.  Which is exactly what I did last week and, hence, no week#4 entry.  I faced the music, though, and picked up some helpful tips in the process.

For this week, I'm keeping the same goal.  I do need to focus on tracking more than ever.

I purchased the set of two plates from Weight Watchers and I intend to use them to help with portion control at dinner.  The wine glasses were not yet available and that's okay.  I need to stray away from alcohol for a while.  The snow storm this last week as not helpful at all.

I took extra walks...to the bar.  While everyone else was watching the snow fall on Saturday, I was walking to the local bar for Irish Coffee.  Yes, with whip cream.  But it was the first snow storm of the year and these are traditions I absolutely love.  I'm willing to indulge as long as I can reign myself back in afterwards.

I also purchased the new starter kit that comes complete with a collapsible salad bowl and a cutting board with built in measuring cups.  It also comes with the new tracking journal - a lovely hardbound book, though lacking in some tracking areas - and a recipe book.The cutting board will probably get the most use because it's incredibly functional.

I intend to fully report on these items in the coming weeks.  As I previously mentioned, I've noticed the tracking journal is pared down from the older style spiral bound journals.  This will be my first week using it, so I'll have more on that in week#6.


Helpful meeting tips:

• Try an appetizer or small plate, or see if you can get away with ordering from the kids’ menu instead of a full size entree.
• Once you’ve decided on a restaurant, try to look at an online menu so you can narrow down your options.
• Pre-track if at all possible
• Look back at how the meal went. Were there any unexpected hurdles—that basket of cheese rolls, say, or your boss urging you to try her fried calamari? How did you handle them? If you're not happy with any of your choices, what could you do differently? A post-prandial post-mortem can help set you up for success next time.
• Ask how things are prepared if the menu is unclear
• Ask for a box and put half of the meal into it before you start eating.  This will prevent you from overeating and then you have lunch for the next day.
• Using the hand measurements to gauge serving sizes.

Good luck this week!

Weight Watchers - Week#3

Official Weigh-in: 200.4 lbs.
Starting Weight: 207.2
Change since last week: -2.4 lbs.
Overall change:-6.9 lbs.
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Last Week's Weekly Goal:  Drink more water
This Week's Weekly Goal: Track more carefully

Even though I saw a loss this week, I've noticed I'm already getting lax in my not yet habits.  I had one or two days where I didn't track at all until evening or the following day.  This resulted in a huge surprise when an item I frequently ate under the old plan increased by 8 points under the new plan.  I need to treat this as if I am starting as a Weight Watcher's Novice and not assume that I know the points values from the previous years I failed to follow the plan.

I need to get back on track and take this seriously if I'm really going to see progress past the same 10 pounds I've gained and lost over the last year.  A great time to remind myself of why I'm doing this in the first place.

• I want to be healthier this year and twenty years from now
• I want to develop healthy habits that I can teach to my children so they don't have the struggles I have had with weight and health
• I want to look good in Danielle's wedding photos
• I want to look good in all my photos
• I want to lower my bad cholesterol levels

I have not yet added in exercise consistently, though I am trying to walk at lunch if at all possible.  I think this will be next week's goal.

Check back with me next week!

Weight Watchers - Week#2

Official Weigh-in: 202.8 lbs.
Starting Weight: 207.2
Change since last week: -4.5 lbs.
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Last Week's Weekly Goal:  To start eating breakfast
This Week's Weekly Goal: Drink more water

Overall, I'm very pleased with the first week.  I stuck to eating breakfast every day and only eating the lunch I brought.  I haven't gone back to working out yet, just focusing on my eating habits at the moment.

I did let myself indulge over the weekend with some fresh made pizza at a restaurant that uses locally sourced and organic ingredients.  I was incredibly surprised at my body's reaction.  I know that I ate too much of the pizza because I felt full in the middle of the second slice and still finished off a third piece.  So it's good to know that I'm eating smaller portions during the week and my body is adjusting to this.  But then, within an hour after eating, I was so groggy that I took a nap.  After I woke up I felt like I had a hangover, even though I didn't consume any alcohol.  So lesson learned, listen to my body signals.

This week I'm going to focus on drinking more water.  It's not my beverage of choice but I know there are so many benefits.

• Aids in Digestion
• Helps Maintain a Healthy Weight
• Assists in the removal of waste
• Thins the Blood
• Improves Kidney Function
• Transports Nutrients in the Body

Just to name a few.  I haven't consumed Sodas in many years, but I transitioned to Ice Tea.  While this is significantly better than drinking 3 cans of soda a day, water is still the best possible beverage for humans to consume.  Our bodies are mostly water after all.

Here's a couple starting pictures to help track my progress.  They're not the best pictures of me, but they're ones that made me realize I needed to get back on track.

Good luck with this week!

2016 Goals

1. Trip to Spain with my sestra
2. Graduate from B School
3.  Decide about the CPA/CMA Exams and then, if yes, take at least one part
4. Sestra's Wedding
5. Healthier version of me
6. Attend Write Club more often
7. Plan 5 year anniversary for Scotch Group
8. Build my Etsy Shop Business
9.  Decide about Career path - Fulfillment to Operations Director or take a step back and go 100% Accounting
10. Create and Stick to a Budget
11. Pay down Debt and prepare finances for student loan repayment

Weight Watchers - Week #1

The first time I went through the Weight Watcher's program, I didn't blog about it at all.  In fact, I didn't even have a blog at that time in my life.  It was only afterwards that I thought it might be a motivating series for someone else who might be struggling with the same issues.

Thankfully, or unfortunately depending on how I feel on a particular day, I have gained all the weight back during my time in Business School.  Something about not having any free time for friends, family, or a social life means you're also not focusing on other healthy things as well.  My final semester is coming up this Spring and I don't want my graduation pictures to reflect this stressed out version of me.

So I'm starting back and there's a brand new program rolling out at the same time.  Sounds like the perfect opportunity to write in my blog - which has been sorely neglected - and capture my progress (and struggles) for anyone who might be experiencing the same thing.  It also provides a certain accountability for me.

I'm going to give perfectly honest information and share my beginning weight.  As many of you know, this is not an easy thing to divulge even to one's closest friends so please be courteous in any responses you may leave.  I have not yet decided if I will share progress photos.

Starting Weight: 207.2
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Combat Tools:

• Weight Watchers Beyond the Scale (New SmartPoints System)
• Samsung Gear Fit Watch
• Gym Membership at Planet Fitness Equivalent
• Journaling/Blogging
• Les Mills Combat DVDs
• T25 Workout DVDs
• Standard size, walk-demanding, Dachshund who saves nothing for the walk back
• FAB Support group on Facebook
• A Romantic Partner equally as concerned about Health and Wellness

Weekly Goal:  To start eating breakfast - I've never been a breakfast eater and I think my metabolism suffers for it.

I'm going to go a little Bridget Jones in this and start out with my current weight on entries.  But I'm also going to try and blog about some of the meeting topics - which should be a great motivator to actually go to my weekly meetings.

Looking forward to completing this journey with all of you!

K

5 Year Goals

A little less than five years ago, I started down a path.  I took a class at the local community college to see if I liked Accounting and if I thought it was something I could pursue realistically.  For someone who had always been, "The Writer," and "not good at math," it was incredibly freeing to realize that there was something analytical that I was really good at doing.  The reason I had never felt completely comfortable with the 'artsy' label was that it wasn't the only side to me.

This spring, I will hopefully graduate from Towson with my Masters in Accounting and Business Advisory Services.  Then I have to consider what to do next.  I should take the CPA and I will probably end up doing that.  But I find it to be very intimidating and my career path has become slightly different in the last five years.

At the time I started the Masters program, five years felt like such a long time.  And now it's here and it doesn't feel like it was that long ago I started.  Perhaps this is how long term goals feel once they're achieved, or nearly achieved.  When we're looking at the road before us it seems long and winding and unfamiliar, but when we look back over where we've been it's no longer a mystery.

A Season of Loss

Tomorrow, my sister and her fiancée, A,  will say goodbye to A's uncle at a funeral service in Georgia.  Shortly before the Thanksgiving holiday, he was found dead in his apartment.  A had been concerned that she hadn't heard from him in a few weeks and she'd been calling around to friends and relatives to see if they'd heard from him.  She even went so far as to search through John Doe lists in a couple of tourist spots he'd talked about visiting after his retirement was finalized in October of this year.

His loss has been an incredible blow to my sister and her fiancée.  He was one of the few family member's A has that was supportive.  He was able to offer advice in the same way that a father would and he gave her the sense of family that she isn't able to get from her immediate family.  And vice versa.  It's a truly tragic event.

I was not close to him and I don't know much about his story.  I do know that his family cast him out for being gay and he had to make a life of his own at the tender age of 18. He did not get the same benefit of college or other financial assistance from his family yet he was able to have a successful career and do well for himself.  I have heard so many other stories from the LGBT community where family disownment did not have such a positive outcome.  So I know how difficult it must have been to carve out this life for himself.

We spent most of Thanksgiving going through papers.  A was his closest relative so the handling of his estate has fallen to her until they can confirm the status of a will and his actual wishes.  There were stacks of papers and photographs, thank you letters from his clients, travel brochures, and investment information.  An entire life flattened and categorized.

There have been a few people at work that have also lost loved ones recently.  The holidays are hard enough as it is and now they have this added burden that they'll remember every year.   With the joy there will be the dull ache of the loss of this loved one.  I know my grandfather dealt with the memory of his mother's death at Christmas every year.

Healthy Living - Again

I'm trying to get back on the wagon with taking care of myself.  This means, eating properly and exercising regularly.  Not to mention getting enough sleep, wearing sunscreen, and using sulfate free shampoos on my hair.  It's not easy to do on a regular basis while keeping up with the other demands of life, aka work and school.

6 years ago I lost over 40 pounds on weight watchers, in the last 3 years I've gained it all back.  2 years ago, I didn't lose any weight but I converted the fat into muscle and dropped several inches from my waistline.  The problems that led to ending up back where I started haven't gone away.  I have one year left of school and work is still a stressful environment.  But with only a year left of school and several special events coming up after that, I want to get back into my healthy habits.  Life only gets more difficult from here on out and I need to actually nail this down now so I can carry it through.

As you may have read, I lost my grandmother last month.  She had diabetes and other health problems that could have been avoided with simple steps in her youth.  I want to make sure that I am doing those things now and not taking my health for granted.  I'm already noticing parts of me deteriorating and I need to halt as much as I can for as long as I can.  This takes discipline and hard work.

I want to create healthy habits that will be passed down to my children, eventually, and I don't want them to struggle with this the way that I have.  I want to be a good example for them and show them how life can be lived to the fullest while not indulging in every single impulse that comes along.

My Mediocre Vampire Novel

In thinking about writing my mediocre vampire novel (MVN), I realize that it might be beneficial to watch the Twilight movie series.  I have avoided it thus far, but there's something they're selling to the teenage girls that could be to my benefit to analyze. 

That being said, I realize I stopped after season 2, episode 4 of my Buffy the Vampire Slayer recaps and commentary.  Since this is a far superior vampire series, I'm wondering if my first focus should be on completing this set of entries.  It would serve two purposes, getting me back into the habit of writing regularly and immersing myself yet again into the vampire lore.  Plus, I get the added bonus of watching one of my favorite shows again.

My sister and I have been watching Lost Girl on Netflix and it has rekindled my interest in writing my MVN. Probably the most interesting thing about this show is seeing how the female characters are so different than other shows that are currently on stations like the WB/CW or whatever it's called now.  It's so much closer to what Whedon was trying to achieve with Buffy than a lot of the television we've seen since.  While this show may not have the best acting, or sometimes even the best writing, there is something so endearing (and refreshing) about the friendship between Bo and Kenzi that I really don't care.

My point, is that more research is needed to get me into the right head space to write the MVN.