I've meant to be better about writing this year and so far I've failed miserably - both here and in my personal journal. Though I've started to Bullet Journal in place of my traditional planner and that has captured the other 10% of the space I'd use in my personal journal. There are a number of other goals that I have yet to begin, but I need to remember that it is only February and there are 10 other months left in the year.
My mother has been able to successfully start on one of her major goals - decluttering - and I could not resist asking her to send me a few of her old pattern books. I thought they might be useful items to sell in my Etsy shop and I am, therefore, considering it an investment in the future and not adding to my own clutter that desperately needs to be culled.
In the last six months, I cannot help but think of my mother and what she was like at my age. As a child you always have a limited understanding of your parents as people and it's only when you begin to live your own life that you wonder about theirs. I have found myself in the local art store coveting some of the fancier supplies they sell and wishing I had a dedicating space to work on projects. And then I remember the art corner my mother once had in our basement and all the amazing things she stored there.
Did she want to be an artist? Meaning a professional or semi-professional one that was able to create art that could be sold in coffee shops and local boutiques? I remember her sewing, cross stitching, and designing so many different things when I was younger. Had she ever considered working in a creative field like graphic design, cartooning, painting, or screen printing?
I always felt that my mother was this incredibly talented woman who could make anything. When I talk to her now, she will demur and say that she's not that good at x, y, or z thing when I know she is. She'll ask me to create things for her, that I know she could easily do herself, but for some reason she doesn't have the confidence that she could. I didn't develop my talents in a vacuum, they were learned from watching her or listening to her talk about her projects. So I wonder what happened between 36 and 65 to bring her to that point where she doubts her own abilities.
If I could go back in time, and meet my mother as a peer, what kind of person would she be? Would I be able to inspire her to follow some deeply hidden dream? What will I wish I had done now when I'm 65?
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2017
Friday, October 12, 2012
Tax Withholdings
I did a quick calculation of my tax withholdings for this year. My new placement on the commercial side of the company means that the state and local withholdings are finally correct. I've been playing with the idea of cancelling the additional $50 I had withheld when the California office was taking care of my payroll. If my calculations are correct, and I seriously hope they are, I could have a tax return of about $2-3K this year. I had extra withheld last year to compensate for cashing out my old IRA and forgot to change the withholdings for this year.
First, that's a lot of money and, whenever it looks like I'm about to get a windfall, I have to remind myself that I am fallible and have been wrong in my calculations before. Though I am usually not that far off of the mark. Still it's best not to count on that money or plan to spend it before I've even received my W-2's.
Second, there a number of big ticket items for which I considered taking out additional funds on my student loans. For example, updating my computer/printer/wi-fi or a down payment on the purchase of a house. These are practical items that will improve my financial outlook or further my educational goals. The question is, of course, a home in what location and can I really afford a mortgage?
Third, there are the fun things I want but have to diligently save to attain. Even when I save money, it is important to take care of the big ticket items mentioned above before the "fun" items. When I say "Fun" what I mean is that Japanese/European vacation my sister and I talk about but never seem to have enough money to take. If my calculations are, indeed, correct then this would solve the airfare problem very nicely - for both of us. It would just be a matter of saving the rest of the money for the hotel/food/mementos.
Finally, there are the practical items and uses for this money. I will undoubtedly have racked up some Christmas debt by the time tax time rolls around, though I swear I am not spending as much as I usually do. And that should definitely be paid off/down before using the money for anything else. Then there is the ultimate practicality of paying down the student loans I took out this fall or the remaining amounts on my undergrad loans. Or, using the tax money to bankroll my spring semester instead of relying on student loans to front the money until my company can reimburse me. But there really isn't anything fun about those options.
First, that's a lot of money and, whenever it looks like I'm about to get a windfall, I have to remind myself that I am fallible and have been wrong in my calculations before. Though I am usually not that far off of the mark. Still it's best not to count on that money or plan to spend it before I've even received my W-2's.
Second, there a number of big ticket items for which I considered taking out additional funds on my student loans. For example, updating my computer/printer/wi-fi or a down payment on the purchase of a house. These are practical items that will improve my financial outlook or further my educational goals. The question is, of course, a home in what location and can I really afford a mortgage?
Third, there are the fun things I want but have to diligently save to attain. Even when I save money, it is important to take care of the big ticket items mentioned above before the "fun" items. When I say "Fun" what I mean is that Japanese/European vacation my sister and I talk about but never seem to have enough money to take. If my calculations are, indeed, correct then this would solve the airfare problem very nicely - for both of us. It would just be a matter of saving the rest of the money for the hotel/food/mementos.
Finally, there are the practical items and uses for this money. I will undoubtedly have racked up some Christmas debt by the time tax time rolls around, though I swear I am not spending as much as I usually do. And that should definitely be paid off/down before using the money for anything else. Then there is the ultimate practicality of paying down the student loans I took out this fall or the remaining amounts on my undergrad loans. Or, using the tax money to bankroll my spring semester instead of relying on student loans to front the money until my company can reimburse me. But there really isn't anything fun about those options.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
New Character Name
Kathryn on BabyNamer: Baby Names and Meanings
Just followed a link on a friend's Facebook page to see what "teasing nicknames" were associated with my name. I've definitely heard most of them, though not in a negative way. Katie-did, Katie-bug, Katers, Kitty, and, K-K-K-Katie. Kind of disappointed I never got Katesie or Kit Kat.
But the point is that there is a nickname for Kathryn, I'd never thought of before: Thryn.
When I look-up the drawbacks for this nickname, there are none. It's just so different sounding than the usual Katie, Kathy, or Kate. New and old at the same time. It also got me thinking about what an awesome character name this would be. Of course, I don't have much time to even think about writing let alone sit down and work through something. So I'll stash it away here until such time as I can build some kind of world for her.
Just followed a link on a friend's Facebook page to see what "teasing nicknames" were associated with my name. I've definitely heard most of them, though not in a negative way. Katie-did, Katie-bug, Katers, Kitty, and, K-K-K-Katie. Kind of disappointed I never got Katesie or Kit Kat.
But the point is that there is a nickname for Kathryn, I'd never thought of before: Thryn.
When I look-up the drawbacks for this nickname, there are none. It's just so different sounding than the usual Katie, Kathy, or Kate. New and old at the same time. It also got me thinking about what an awesome character name this would be. Of course, I don't have much time to even think about writing let alone sit down and work through something. So I'll stash it away here until such time as I can build some kind of world for her.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Atlanta: 2012
As always, Atlanta is a seductive mistress. I have never gone to visit my sister and not had a passing thought about moving to the city. It could be the fluffy white dog that refuses to wake up to an alarm clock and snuggles harder into the crook of your arm. It could be the slightly warmer weather, no matter what time of year I visit, and being able to walk to most destinations. It could be the social network of friends that my sister has and how they are always so welcoming when I visit. It could be the Flying Biscuit.
But really, I think it's being able to stay up late talking to my sister about whatever thought enters our heads at midnight. Receiving a gift that only has meaning for us. Having the not so quiet time in the car when we're singing to our favorite old and new pop songs. Or baking a cake that turns out a little less than perfect. It's missing out on these moments together, from the mundane activities like washing dishes to the more exciting stuff like hiking Stone Mountain, that make the idea of moving to Atlanta so appealing.
I always have a hard time after a visit. Whether it's her visiting Maryland, me visiting Atlanta, or going on Family Vacation in North Carolina. The day before we're ready to leave and return to our normal lives is always the worst and I have about three or four days after where I just feel lost. There is this very important part of my life that isn't where I want it to be. My life is full, I have wonderful things going on for myself, but it just isn't complete. This is the only way I can think to describe it. I don't know for certain that being in the same city with my sister would be the answer to a lot of the issues I've been having lately. But I know that things make a lot more sense when we're together.
Home can be a lot of things. For me, that feeling is where ever the two of us are together.
Monday, January 16, 2012
A Crossroads
This weekend, I had one of the Dads' bar friends ask me to submit my resumé to him. He works for the government, specifically Health and Human Services. He overheard me talking to his wife about my grad school application process and asked Dad a lot of questions about me at the next gathering. The job he specifically has in mind: Grant Writing. I said that I would submit my resumé and thanked him for thinking of me. It's difficult to really talk about all the thoughts that run through one's head when someone asks for your resumé out of the blue like that. So it's always best to just say thank you and I will.
Of course, now I am faced with all the crippling thoughts that come with contemplating the future and choices that must be made. To begin with, I have already started the wheels in motion for an advanced degree in Accounting. Five years ago, I would have been jumping up and down at the prospect of a job in Grant Writing. Now I am a little more cautious as I don't know what this means for the plans I have started to lay down, nor do I want to dismiss an excellent opportunity without really considering all the options. But the bigger question is what do I really want to be doing five years from now?
I know from the class I took this summer that I am actually quite good at accounting and I do get a measure of satisfaction knowing I am not just a "words" person. Learning accounting would be tied up with the building blocks of business management and that's always useful knowledge. But then getting in with a government job is difficult and if I am to attain my dream of working at the Library of Congress, whether as Librarian or Accountant, this would be a useful step. Once in the government I would have the ability to move from job to job without losing years of service. Unlike the private sector where a new start with a new company means starting over again, unless other terms are negotiated.
But the opportunity for advancement can be greater in the private sector. It's like picking investments for one's 401(k); do you go with high risk since you have time before retirement or do you go slow and steady? One could have greater earning potential if the markets are in your favor, but you could also lose everything and not have enough to retire. The same is true for the low risk investments, too, but it tends to be more stable.
I must not get ahead of myself. Submitting a resumé does not mean one will get a job or even a job offer. I submitted enough of them when I was unemployed to know that better than anyone. But when the friend of a family member makes a point to ask, the likelihood that one will have to accept or decline something greatly increases. And, of course, the part that is bothering me is that someone somewhere will have to be disappointed.
Of course, now I am faced with all the crippling thoughts that come with contemplating the future and choices that must be made. To begin with, I have already started the wheels in motion for an advanced degree in Accounting. Five years ago, I would have been jumping up and down at the prospect of a job in Grant Writing. Now I am a little more cautious as I don't know what this means for the plans I have started to lay down, nor do I want to dismiss an excellent opportunity without really considering all the options. But the bigger question is what do I really want to be doing five years from now?
I know from the class I took this summer that I am actually quite good at accounting and I do get a measure of satisfaction knowing I am not just a "words" person. Learning accounting would be tied up with the building blocks of business management and that's always useful knowledge. But then getting in with a government job is difficult and if I am to attain my dream of working at the Library of Congress, whether as Librarian or Accountant, this would be a useful step. Once in the government I would have the ability to move from job to job without losing years of service. Unlike the private sector where a new start with a new company means starting over again, unless other terms are negotiated.
But the opportunity for advancement can be greater in the private sector. It's like picking investments for one's 401(k); do you go with high risk since you have time before retirement or do you go slow and steady? One could have greater earning potential if the markets are in your favor, but you could also lose everything and not have enough to retire. The same is true for the low risk investments, too, but it tends to be more stable.
I must not get ahead of myself. Submitting a resumé does not mean one will get a job or even a job offer. I submitted enough of them when I was unemployed to know that better than anyone. But when the friend of a family member makes a point to ask, the likelihood that one will have to accept or decline something greatly increases. And, of course, the part that is bothering me is that someone somewhere will have to be disappointed.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Year, New Entry
I started to read back through the posts I put up at the start of last year and I had to stop myself. I have found myself so melancholy at the turning of this new year and reading through how happy I was at the beginning of the last isn't helping me that much. Though, I don't want this entry to turn into a poor me kind of thing. I wanted to write about how exciting it is to put up a fresh calendar with all the possibilities of it still looming ahead of me, because that's terribly exciting to me. Or to compare my goals for this year vs. how I did on my goals for last year, less exciting when I realized I didn't complete several of them as originally hoped. But, of course, I start off with the melancholy because it seems to be infecting everything right now. It could be due mostly to the weather, or Danielle returning to Atlanta - nothing seems to feel right after she leaves, but it's just a general sense of blah.
So the best way to overcome these Doldrums, as told me to by Tock the Watch Dog, is to think. So let's get on with these 2012 goals and plans for my life.
School Timeline:
Goals for 2012:
So the best way to overcome these Doldrums, as told me to by Tock the Watch Dog, is to think. So let's get on with these 2012 goals and plans for my life.
School Timeline:
- January 2012
- Write two entrance essays for University of Maryland Application
- Contact people for recommendation letters to include with applications
- February 2012
- Submit University of Maryland Application
- March 2012
- April 2012
- May 2012
- June 2012
- July 2012
- August 2012
- Submit Towson University Application
- September 2012
- Start Classes
Goals for 2012:
- Make more of an effort to contact friends, i.e J and G whom I don't get to see that often and really should call more frequently.
- Adhere to budgets set for myself
- Adhere to Credit Card payoff budget I set for myself.
- Continue working with the Weight Watchers Program and attain goal weight by (or reasonably close to) my birthday.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Dream Screens
A friend of mine posted this article on Facebook the other day: Gizmodo Article - Scientists Reconstruct Video Clips from Brain Activity. And I couldn't help but find it fascinating. Of course, the idea of being able to record one's own dreams is exciting. Most of mine are pretty entertaining and make for great story ideas. But, of course, I never seem to finish them before the enthusiasm runs out or before pieces of it start to fade. Others are confusing or down right embarrassing, so I don't know that I would want to relive those in my waking hours. It would certainly help with the analyzing of dreams as one must rely entirely upon one's own memory for these things.
I was thinking mostly of the movie, Bicentennial Man, and the scene where the father asks to have his daughter's wedding replayed so he can relive the memory. Aren't there a few memories you wish you could revisit with a little more clarity? Once they perfect this new scientific ability, and include sound, there are a lot of things I would like to remember. Like the sound of my Mommom's voice. I can almost remember it, but it's been so long I'm not even sure if it's close any more. My Poppop dancing with a broom while I waited for the school bus.
Then I wonder, if you could perfect this technology to the point where one could call up memories at will. Would this be viable evidence in court cases? Could we monitor brain activity as a person goes through their day? One could almost go paranoid about the possibilities. I mean the thought police could become a legitimate thing. For every cool possibility there is also a frightening application.
I was thinking mostly of the movie, Bicentennial Man, and the scene where the father asks to have his daughter's wedding replayed so he can relive the memory. Aren't there a few memories you wish you could revisit with a little more clarity? Once they perfect this new scientific ability, and include sound, there are a lot of things I would like to remember. Like the sound of my Mommom's voice. I can almost remember it, but it's been so long I'm not even sure if it's close any more. My Poppop dancing with a broom while I waited for the school bus.
Then I wonder, if you could perfect this technology to the point where one could call up memories at will. Would this be viable evidence in court cases? Could we monitor brain activity as a person goes through their day? One could almost go paranoid about the possibilities. I mean the thought police could become a legitimate thing. For every cool possibility there is also a frightening application.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Gone With The Wind/X-Men Mash-up Dream
I had the most amazing dream last night! Obviously, it's a combination of my reading Gone With The Wind and discussing the most recent X-Men Movie. Still incredibly cool. It was like I was watching the movie and then things started varying slightly.
Basically, when Melanie and Scarlett think that Ashley is dead he's really turning into Aquaman. Then when Scarlett and Rhett are fleeing Atlanta they have to run up a lighthouse and Scarlett starts to slip through the floor like ShadowCat. She then believes that she and Ashley really are meant to be since they are both now mutants. Then there was a musical number featuring the song, "Total Eclipse of the Heart." In my dream, I asked my dad if what was happening was accurate since I didn't remember the 1930's being so forward thinking. The entire Civil War was being fought between mutants because of the Charles Xavier/Magneto argument.
Best Nerd Dream Ever!
Basically, when Melanie and Scarlett think that Ashley is dead he's really turning into Aquaman. Then when Scarlett and Rhett are fleeing Atlanta they have to run up a lighthouse and Scarlett starts to slip through the floor like ShadowCat. She then believes that she and Ashley really are meant to be since they are both now mutants. Then there was a musical number featuring the song, "Total Eclipse of the Heart." In my dream, I asked my dad if what was happening was accurate since I didn't remember the 1930's being so forward thinking. The entire Civil War was being fought between mutants because of the Charles Xavier/Magneto argument.
Best Nerd Dream Ever!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Phoenix Dream
I had a bizarre dream last night and I think I want to work it up into a story. It's been a while since I've worked on Ianthe and I don't see myself getting back into that any time soon. I was in a different emotional place when I started writing it and it doesn't fit those needs now, it would need a complete re-work for me to finish it now and I don't know that I have the patience for it. I hate to say that I only write when I'm unhappy, it's better to say that I don't really write when I am happy. There isn't much point, nothing to work out or figure out, etc.
But this dream last night was so cool and has a lot of potential. It involved a regular flood in an area and a secret canal that was revealed when the waters receded. And a golden door with a puzzle lock that led to another realm. There was also a mountain of magical creatures one could only reach via Pegasus. I wish I could write entries here with bits of the story as I see it, but I fear all sorts of plagiarism. So, if you are a friend of mine, look for those bits in my Livejournal.
But this dream last night was so cool and has a lot of potential. It involved a regular flood in an area and a secret canal that was revealed when the waters receded. And a golden door with a puzzle lock that led to another realm. There was also a mountain of magical creatures one could only reach via Pegasus. I wish I could write entries here with bits of the story as I see it, but I fear all sorts of plagiarism. So, if you are a friend of mine, look for those bits in my Livejournal.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Immediate Life Goals
Today is the last day my friend, LV, will be working with me at Hallmark. She got a better paying, more demanding, job and decided she needed to quit the part-time job. Part of me is happy for her, part of me is jealous, and part of me will miss seeing her regularly without having to put in the extra effort. After the Pampered Chef party at her house last night, I feel better about keeping in touch. But I am definitely jealous that she has been able to quit the part-time and I think I'll need a few more months before I can comfortably put in my resignation. It's my dream and she has achieved it.
I go Monday for advising, so I can register for the accounting class for work. T was not pleased when I told her I'd need Tuesdays and Thursdays off for about 8 weeks, but what can you do?
I go Monday for advising, so I can register for the accounting class for work. T was not pleased when I told her I'd need Tuesdays and Thursdays off for about 8 weeks, but what can you do?
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Annual Review @ Work
This morning my boss called me into her office and I figured I knew what it was about since I had just had the thought driving in that it would be time for my annual review soon. As of April 21st, I will have been employed at my job for two years. Once I reach that anniversary, I will earn an extra week of vacation a year (or three extra days for this particular calendar year since it's a late date).
Boss Lady had a lot of nice things to say about me and told me how much she appreciated what I did. It was actually really uplifting to hear. We also talked about me taking a class at the community college, most likely over the summer, and seeing how that goes. How it might be something I would like to pursue and what oppotunities exist in the company for me.
Boss Lady had a lot of nice things to say about me and told me how much she appreciated what I did. It was actually really uplifting to hear. We also talked about me taking a class at the community college, most likely over the summer, and seeing how that goes. How it might be something I would like to pursue and what oppotunities exist in the company for me.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Government Shutdown
I am a bit concerned about things in my personal life right now, as you may have been able to tell, and as much as I am trying to care about the important day to day things I just can't. But in a effort to write about something other than my broken heart and keep something interesting for the casual reader, may I present this Washington Post Article.
We had a meeting at work that came up very suddenly on every one's calendar at 1:30pm, it was the same exact time as my Weight Watchers at Work meeting so I was not in attendance (I've also lost 37 pounds officially, but I'm not excited about it right now), but the gist was that with the impending Government shut down we weren't getting as many orders and had to restructure. (a.k.a. there are a few layoffs.) 9 people were laid off, including a program director for one of the programs I work with. This has me a little bit concerned on many levels.
On one hand, my co-workers are working extra hard and willing to take on any extra tasks to prove that they are needed and useful. I have no motivation to do my regular work right now let alone try to kiss up to the big cogs in the wheel. Which does not look good at all, I am sure, but my boss is aware of what's happening with me right now and I've proven myself in the past. As long as this apathy to everything doesn't continue an abnormally long time, I should be fine.
On the other hand, I wonder how bad things really are in the Government Contractor field. Not to mention the Government Sector. Do I really want to pursue an education in Library Science in order to get a job with a government office? The last time we had a government shut-down was apparently 1995-1996 and a lot of people had to take time off without pay. Is a Government Job really as secure as I've always thought it was?
We had a meeting at work that came up very suddenly on every one's calendar at 1:30pm, it was the same exact time as my Weight Watchers at Work meeting so I was not in attendance (I've also lost 37 pounds officially, but I'm not excited about it right now), but the gist was that with the impending Government shut down we weren't getting as many orders and had to restructure. (a.k.a. there are a few layoffs.) 9 people were laid off, including a program director for one of the programs I work with. This has me a little bit concerned on many levels.
On one hand, my co-workers are working extra hard and willing to take on any extra tasks to prove that they are needed and useful. I have no motivation to do my regular work right now let alone try to kiss up to the big cogs in the wheel. Which does not look good at all, I am sure, but my boss is aware of what's happening with me right now and I've proven myself in the past. As long as this apathy to everything doesn't continue an abnormally long time, I should be fine.
On the other hand, I wonder how bad things really are in the Government Contractor field. Not to mention the Government Sector. Do I really want to pursue an education in Library Science in order to get a job with a government office? The last time we had a government shut-down was apparently 1995-1996 and a lot of people had to take time off without pay. Is a Government Job really as secure as I've always thought it was?
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Work published my Travel Blog
A few weeks ago, HR sent out an e-mail asking for people to submit Travel Blogs. I edited an old entry I had on Livejournal about the trip I took to London with Dad. I didn't think it would be a big deal so I didn't really tell anyone about it. You know it's one of those things that you don't feel is important and you're somewhat embarrassed that you had the courage to do it at all. The work blog is not any great thing, even around the office, but I have to say I am excited that they decided to use my entry. (look for "Travel Stories: Kathryn Sampson" on their list)
Apparently the head of the HR Blog team felt the entry was relevant given the situation going on in Japan right now. I suppose I can see her point as the part at the end deals with my visit to the Beowulf manuscript and the questions I have about what will remain in another 1000 years. I talk, very briefly, about the mutability of life and how all sorts of natural disasters can wipe out anything human beings dare to create.
On second thought, here is the exact entry as posted on their blog:
Apparently the head of the HR Blog team felt the entry was relevant given the situation going on in Japan right now. I suppose I can see her point as the part at the end deals with my visit to the Beowulf manuscript and the questions I have about what will remain in another 1000 years. I talk, very briefly, about the mutability of life and how all sorts of natural disasters can wipe out anything human beings dare to create.
On second thought, here is the exact entry as posted on their blog:
Kathryn traveled to Europe with her father and I think this is a perfect travel article as we ponder what has happened in Japan-what will remain thousands of years from now and will we have somewhat of an impact on our future generations. Thank you Kathryn for allowing us to ponder those deep questions. Take a look at her blog: When I graduated from college, my father agreed to take me to London for a long weekend. It was, and still is, one of the most memorable trips of my life. Our first stop was St. Paul’s Cathedral. I really wanted to go up to the Whispering Gallery; 99 feet from the floor of the cathedral, which doesn't sound like a lot until you start climbing. The stairs wound round the tower like a lighthouse. But it was worth the effort as once you are there you can whisper into the wall, you can hear it all the way around the gallery. It was like a scene in a movie where the main character is being haunted by voices. (Think Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when he can hear the snake behind the walls.) At first, the tourists were timid and embarrassed to try the acoustics. Then the guard started encouraging people to play with the Gallery by whispering instructions for the patrons to follow. My father and I sat together on one of the benches to catch our breath and my father started making critical comments about the guy’s ensemble and joking about what he must do all day. That’s when a voice floated around the Gallery. “There are no secrets in the Whispering Gallery,” it said. Startled, we both looked up and saw the guard tip his hat to us. Next, we hopped the tube to Westminster Abbey. I didn't realize that most of the Kings and Queens were buried there. Not to mention the graves and tributes to many famous writers, scientists, and explorers. The tombs, monuments, and effigies were absolutely amazing. Some were incredibly ornate and others were as simple as a stone slab. Then there were several that seemed to be lost in time; smooth granite slabs where the writing was worn away from centuries of pedestrians. Elizabeth I's tomb has her lying in effigy on a massive stone bed. The guide said she is buried with her sister Mary and there's a plaque that says something about separation in life and may the Protestants and Catholics be united. It was so very cool. Then Mary, Queen of Scots is buried on the exact opposite side of the Abbey as if to balance the church. Then there was the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, front and center with highest of honors and sincere reverence. It was very striking with the black granite, gold inscription, and contrasting red flowers framing the whole thing. But the most amazing thing to me was the area containing the stalls of the Knights of the Sacred Order of the Bath, or something like that. There were these wooden seats, originally intended for a choir, with very intricate carvings on the posts and a coat of arms displayed on a metal plate. The plates ran from the very recent to the very ancient. On top of each seat, or stall, was a knight's helmet, or something similar, with different colored banners. Two rows of these stalls on either side of the Hall with a King Henry at the end and a very ornate ceiling in the middle. Finally, the highlight of my trip was seeing the original Beowulf manuscript. Over in a dark corner of the British Library the thousand year old treasure sits right next to an original copy of The Canterbury Tales. Two of the most important pieces in English Literature; the oldest surviving document in any European language and the oldest piece of literature in recognizable and comprehensible English were in the same case! With everything I had seen over the weekend, I wondered what their creators would have thought of their survival. Did they have that far of a vision? As human beings are we even capable of comprehending the importance of the things we do? Fire, War, Natural Disasters can destroy so much of our efforts. In a thousand years, what will remain? Like the scene in The Day After Tomorrow, if you could save one thing, what would you preserve for future generations? What do you think would give them the best understanding of our culture? Our time here is very finite, and yet, at that moment, I felt so very connected to people long since gone. We are but pieces of this living, breathing, ever changing culture. But what are we working towards? Kathryn SampsonSafeNet, Columbia Office
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Fools and their troubles
Do you ever have days where you feel completely foolish? I have these worries in my head that attack me at the worst times. If you know me, then it's no surprise that I have more than a few insecurities. I have tried to remain open and un-jaded, but over the years that is simply difficult to do. Things that I should be completely comfortable with and in, I start to doubt and worry about the future or my place in this or that.
Then a day will pass and something will bring me out of my funk. It's then that I feel foolish. Because I do have a great many things going well for me right now and to doubt that will invite trouble. But it will be trouble of my own making...
Then a day will pass and something will bring me out of my funk. It's then that I feel foolish. Because I do have a great many things going well for me right now and to doubt that will invite trouble. But it will be trouble of my own making...
Friday, March 4, 2011
Nightmare - THE most frightening
Last night, I had the most frightening nightmare I've had in a long time. Basically, it's the end of the world. People are dead or dying and the only solution is to take a cyanide pill. Because whatever is going to happen is far worse than death, etc. I was with my family (my dad, my step-dad, my mom, my sister, my aunt, and my cousins) and they were all deciding whether to commit suicide or not. In the dream, I asked my family what would come after and no one knew. I felt that I absolutely could not go through with it, but one by one they all made the decision to die. When my sister decided to take the pill it was more than I could stand. I pulled her into a hug and told her that I wouldn't live in a world where she wasn't. That I couldn't get on without her and then I swallowed the pill myself. I watched everyone slowly close their eyes and go to sleep. I tried to wake them and couldn't. I felt my own eyes growing heavy and only darkness was there when I let them close, so I fought it. The decision had already been made and there was nothing I could do to change it, but I was so afraid of what would happen after. Danielle was the last to close her eyes and I was left alone, waiting for whatever would happen. When I finally closed my eyes there was only darkness; I could feel myself slipping away to nothing and I was terrified. I woke up to reality as soon as my dream self let go of its life.
My heart was beating so fast, I thought I might have a heart attack right there. It was 2:30 in the morning and that fear had settled in my chest. I was terrified to go back to sleep which, of course, seems foolish now, but I couldn't bear to close my eyes to the darkness even if it was only temporary sleep. It's eight hours later, I can still recall every detail of that dream and I can't stop thinking about it. The thought that there could be nothing after this life frightens me more than anything (even the traditional thought of eternal damnation, or Hell) and yet it is a distinct possibility. My boyfriend tried to be very helpful this morning when I recounted the dream to him. He told me about an experiment wherein someone who was very close to death entered a sealed chamber. The person's weight was constantly measured before death, the moment of death, and immediately after death. Apparently, there was a definite loss in weight at the moment of death. I suggested that this was due to gases escaping the body, etc and my boyfriend said that it wouldn't matter because the entire chamber was sealed and weighed so that wouldn't change it. I'm not sure how true this is, but it was mildly comforting.
I'm not sure where this came from exactly. I think it was definitely influenced by my mother's talk of End Times this past week and also a little bit of seeing Les Misérables the other night. Still, it's pretty depressing and I can't seem to shake the feeling.
According to Dreammoods.com :
My heart was beating so fast, I thought I might have a heart attack right there. It was 2:30 in the morning and that fear had settled in my chest. I was terrified to go back to sleep which, of course, seems foolish now, but I couldn't bear to close my eyes to the darkness even if it was only temporary sleep. It's eight hours later, I can still recall every detail of that dream and I can't stop thinking about it. The thought that there could be nothing after this life frightens me more than anything (even the traditional thought of eternal damnation, or Hell) and yet it is a distinct possibility. My boyfriend tried to be very helpful this morning when I recounted the dream to him. He told me about an experiment wherein someone who was very close to death entered a sealed chamber. The person's weight was constantly measured before death, the moment of death, and immediately after death. Apparently, there was a definite loss in weight at the moment of death. I suggested that this was due to gases escaping the body, etc and my boyfriend said that it wouldn't matter because the entire chamber was sealed and weighed so that wouldn't change it. I'm not sure how true this is, but it was mildly comforting.
I'm not sure where this came from exactly. I think it was definitely influenced by my mother's talk of End Times this past week and also a little bit of seeing Les Misérables the other night. Still, it's pretty depressing and I can't seem to shake the feeling.
According to Dreammoods.com :
Okay, I don't think I have deep emotional stress. My life is actually much better than it's been in a long time. Though yesterday was a little stressful because of end of month deadlines at work, but no more than usual.
I can see how this can apply to me right now. I have been working very hard this year and creating a better version of me.Suicide
To dream that you commit suicide, represents your desperate desire to escape from your waking life. You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life.�
This makes sense, too. I am 30 years old now. Clearly my parents don't play the same role in my life and I feel like I am undergoing significant change in my waking life. I've written about it often enough over the last two months.Death
To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore. In particular, to dream about the death of your parents, indicates that you are undergoing a significant change in your waking life. Your relationship with your parents has evolved into a new realm.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Interpret This....
I had a dream last night that was a little bizarre and I haven't quite figured out it's meaning. In the dream Mom, Danielle, and I stopped by my Mommom's old house. It was still her house though it had been closed up for years; nothing had been touched since the day she died. There were still dishes in the sink and expired groceries in the refrigerator like she was expected home at any minute. A fine layer of dust was over everything and the electricity/heating had been turned off years ago. We were stopping by so I could get something out of the basement, I'm not sure what exactly, and as soon as I opened the front door I saw a spark in the kitchen. It followed a line along the floor and started a small fire in the corner by the stove. I immediately ran over to it and was able to extinguish the flame. Mom and Danielle came rushing in when they heard me yelling and everything seemed to be okay. Then the black line on the floor, that started the original fire, continued up the wall and started another one at the top of the stove. I yelled at them to call the fire department and to get as many pictures out of the house as they could.
I called Dad and Aunt Shelley to come get the boxes of pictures and mementos out of the house before it burned down. All the while I kept putting out these small fires, hoping to give everyone time to get the important stuff out, but the electrical wiring was so far gone that it kept starting little flames in the kitchen. We were able to get the irreplaceable stuff out of the upper level and then had to get everything out of the basement. Most things had been moved down to the basement after her death and we just had to go through it all. The fire department still hadn't come and I had given up containing the upstairs even though it stayed in the kitchen the whole time. So we worked in the basement trying to move things as quickly as possible. I woke up before we finished.
It's been a while since I've dreamed about my grandmother's house and even longer since I tried to remember how it felt to be there. You know, remember the layout of the house, the placement of the furniture, the smells of the kitchen and cigarette smoke. The last time I really tried to picture it, in my waking hours, was for a creative non-fiction writing exercise in college and that was over six years ago. (Six years? Can it really be that long ago?) I think about my grandparents quite often but neither of them were in the dream. It was just their house and their things.
According to Dreammoods.com
I called Dad and Aunt Shelley to come get the boxes of pictures and mementos out of the house before it burned down. All the while I kept putting out these small fires, hoping to give everyone time to get the important stuff out, but the electrical wiring was so far gone that it kept starting little flames in the kitchen. We were able to get the irreplaceable stuff out of the upper level and then had to get everything out of the basement. Most things had been moved down to the basement after her death and we just had to go through it all. The fire department still hadn't come and I had given up containing the upstairs even though it stayed in the kitchen the whole time. So we worked in the basement trying to move things as quickly as possible. I woke up before we finished.
It's been a while since I've dreamed about my grandmother's house and even longer since I tried to remember how it felt to be there. You know, remember the layout of the house, the placement of the furniture, the smells of the kitchen and cigarette smoke. The last time I really tried to picture it, in my waking hours, was for a creative non-fiction writing exercise in college and that was over six years ago. (Six years? Can it really be that long ago?) I think about my grandparents quite often but neither of them were in the dream. It was just their house and their things.
According to Dreammoods.com
I can definitely see how the one part applies to me. I am making a lot of positive changes in my life and moving forward from older ways of thinking. Negative thoughts and feelings that held me back are no longer an issue and I am making a concentrated effort to move into the next phase of my life a healthier, happier version of me. However this seems counter to the definition the website lists for Photos or Pictures.FIRE: Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, then it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. The dream may be a metaphor for someone who is "fiery". It represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy. Alternatively, the dream may be warning you of your dangerous or risky activities. You are literally "playing with fire".
The second part about the photo taking you back to a particular moment in time fits, but am I clinging to the past? So there are things changing and "inner transformation" but I am unwilling to completely let go of the past perhaps.To see a photograph in your dream, indicates that there is a relationship that needs your attention. You are not looking deep enough into the problem. Alternatively, the dream means that you are clinging on to the past or to some false hope. Consider who or what is on the photo. The image may be trying to take you back to a particular moment in time.
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