Chosen Families

My sister, D,  and I have been talking about the idea of "chosen families" lately.  It started with the death of our grandmother and our mother's reaction to her mother's death vs. the death of her former mother-in-law.  There are obvious differences, of course, like how my father's mother died suddenly and unexpectedly while my mother's mother held on for 5 days and was only unconscious for 1 of those.  But the one thing my sister and I never realized was the difference in the relationships our mother had with each of those women.  Even in the healthiest of families nothing is ever perfect and relationships are complicated at best.  

We compared it to the close friendships our father has with other members of the LGBT community.  How they would often opt to gather at a friend's house for traditional family holiday celebrations.  My mother certainly did this with our father's family and I have often felt that the genuine care and concern was mutual.  Sometimes we bend under the weight of parental expectations and fall into old family roles long after we've grown out of them.  Returning home for a visit is so very frequently a struggle between who we were and who we've become.  I have no doubt that this was a serious problem for my mother when she returned to take care of my grandmother seven years ago and I think there was a certain amount of relief felt.

Most recently, though, we've discussed the Intentional Family idea because of a situation she and her fiancée, A,  are facing with their upcoming Wedding.  One of  A's grandparents has already told her they do not want an invitation to the wedding because they do not support their decision to marry, citing religious reasons.  It's disappointing and upsetting.  It was even worse when, after a relative's death, her mother and brother were invited to stay at her grandparent's house but she was denied the hospitality because they didn't support her "lifestyle."  Regardless of your personal beliefs, especially at a time when family is grieving the loss of a loved one, there is still a human being at the core and they should be treated with the same level of compassion.  Most recently, A suffered another disappointment when her brother declined the invitation to be a attendant at the wedding.  Again, citing religious beliefs.  This came as a major blow because, until that moment, she had no idea that her brother was not supportive.

My sister and I are very close.  I've never taken that relationship for granted, but I've also never realized how truly rare that is.  I can't even begin to fathom what it is like to hear that your sibling does not accept you for who you truly are.  From almost the very beginning of their relationship, I have felt that A has been a member of our family.  My mother has also been very welcoming, calling A her "third daughter" well before they were officially engaged.  And I think this is because my mother knows what it is like to have a difficult relationship with one's birth family and she recognized a kind of kindred spirit in need of reassurance, acceptance, and love.  My father and step-father have also felt that she's family.  We've planned vacations together as a family and when our grandmother died, A was there. She was there not because she had to be or just to support D, but because she wanted to be there for our mother at a time when it was most needed.

And this is the point of family.  Whether it is chosen, intentional, or birth, a family is meant to be supportive through the difficult times.  They are a calm place where we can go and be loved for just being ourselves and sometimes in spite of being ourselves.  From here we draw the strength to face the challenges of the outside world.  We don't always have to agree on things but we have to always respect one another as individuals and as human beings.

St. Valentine's Day

My friend, Crystalsavestheday, posted this on her Facebook wall earlier this week:

“I’m not anti-love or anti-romance or anti-relationships. I’m against hollow gestures prescribed by people who are out to make money out of the holiday. I’m against constant reminders that couple equals normal and that anyone who isn’t in a relationship (or doesn’t want to be) is weird. I’m against anyone with a vested interest telling us how and when it’s appropriate to be affectionate - say it with roses, a diamond is forever, if you really loved her, you’d take her to Paris. I hate all those cutesy bears holding satin hearts saying ‘I wuv you snugglebum!’ - as if love can only be this childish, price-tagged, pukey thing.”
—
- Meg Pickard ( Oh and heteronomativity that blows too)

It really struck a chord with me and I had to click the "Like" button immediately.  It really put into words what I feel about Valentine's day in general.  I have written before about how I didn't understand the panic surrounding Valentine's day.  At the time I was dating someone so it might not have seemed sincere, but  I am perfectly single this year and I still don't get it.

The entire holiday stirs up these, "if you're alone, you're a loser" sentiment in most people.  Singles find themselves desperate to secure a Valentine with whom to exchange gifts.  Or if they find themselves newly single it's a painful reminder of what they've lost.

October 20th - Ten Years Later

Ten years ago, I made a decision about my personal life.  I checked off one of life's milestones and haven't looked back since. I was completely mad for this guy.  And even though I had been religious in my middle school/early high school years, I came to the realization that I really wanted to have sex with my boyfriend.  It was something of an internal struggle for several months because I knew what I'd been taught but my heart was telling me something completely different.  I couldn't resolve these conflicting desires (the desire to be "good" and the desire to be with my boyfriend) so, I talked about it with my mother, my source for spiritual guidance, and her only advice was that, while she would prefer I not have sex before marriage, it was my own life and I had to make the decision for myself.  She also encouraged me to consider any and all consequences and judge whether or not I could handle them.  Then, I talked about it with my aunt, my source for worldly guidance, and her advice was that I should make sure to protect myself.  She also asked me if I was sure this was the right person.  She said that that particular event in life would be something I'd always remember and the person I was with would forever be connected to that memory. 
And, looking back now, that was probably the best advice I could have gotten on the subject.  It is the first piece of advice I offer to the new crop of youngins, after reminding them to make sure they protect themselves of course.  Because it is now ten years later and I do remember that day. When I think of that moment in my life, it is connected to the person I was with.  And you know what?  Even with the things that happened after and even with the way that relationship ended, I don't regret making that decision.  And I celebrate that decision on this particular date every year and re-evaluate how I feel about it.  I can still say that it was a positive choice and I'm grateful that I wasn't completely ignorant of the impact that decision would have on my life.  I'm glad that I had people I could talk to openly and honestly about it and that I took my time to think instead of following whatever impulse I had in the moment. 

But thinking about how I viewed sex then and where I am now, I can't help but laugh at myself.  If I were able to go back and talk to my 20 year old self, I don't know that I could say anything that would have made that decision easier.  The person I was then is most certainly not who I am now.  I know that this was part of a chapter in the volume of my life and so much of where I've been plays a part in where I am going.  I truly believe we are the sum of our life experiences and I hope that I will continue to make positive decisions that will help me to grow and change over time.  That I can look back ten years from now and realize that I've matured so much.  I hope that I don't look back on decisions and cringe with embarrassment or regret.  And I hope I can love who I will be at 40 just as much as I love who I am at 30 and who I was at 20.

Unexpected Uses for Accounting

You know that time of day, when your brain wonders to whatever topic it wants?  It could be anything from Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and wonder if that Asian actor in the new Spring Commercial is the same guy who played Adam in the Might Morphin Power Rangers Movie to a shame spiral of thoughts that lead one to dark emotional places.  This could happen while one is at work, driving in the car, or trying to go to sleep.

It's whatever time of day you have where your brain is unfocused and allowed to frolic freely in the mine field of your memories.  For me this happens most frequently when I am driving (usually home from work) or when my head hits my pillow.  It will catch on a thought and then chase after it like a ravenous beast.  Due to recent life events, it's usually about how different things are this year as opposed to last year.  Or what could have happened differently from how life is right now.  Or reliving the feeling of those revelations.  Or wondering if there's ever something in his current life that causes him to think of me and regret his choices.  Not just because of the pain he caused but because of me.  Driving home usually has me wondering what I would say if he ever came back and wanted a second chance.  Which is really very silly.

I have found that the confusing nature of Debits and Credits in accounting has given me an alternative.  Doing well in this Principles of Accounting Class is important to me and the plans I am making for my future.  Most of it is pretty easy to grasp since I can relate it to work I am currently doing, but most of it doesn't come second nature and I have to really work my way through a problem.  So in these times, where my mind is sabotaging my recovery, I have started thinking about the Accounting Equation and which parts have increases in debits and which have increases in credits.  It gives me focus on something positive and helps to reinforce the knowledge I am gaining.  Win/Win.

Name that Bitch

Have you seen that episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted keeps inviting his random dates to important friend events and Lilly gets really upset.  She has him play that "Name that Bitch" game with her scrapbooks and he can't remember any of the girls' names.

I am heading down to NC today for the NKOTBSB concert and R's second birthday.  I couldn't be more excited.  I know that I don't live near my friend, J, and I don't see her and her family everyday so her son won't have actual memories of me until he's much older.  Even then it will be like the memories I have of Dad's friend, Bonnie.  I know she came over a few times and was there for family parties, but I have no concept of her as a person outside of these rare events.  I don't know what her sense of humor was like or what kind of friendship she had with Dad.  I know what I've heard, but I don't actually know.

What I do like is that one day R will look back at his parents' pictures and see me in the wedding party, at his shower, and (hopefully) all of his birthdays.  That even if I am not an actual character in his life/world, he will know that his family was important to me and that his mom had friends that loved her.  There are certainly people in my parents' pictures that appear more than a few times and I wonder who they are.  I hope that I have a little more presence in his life than that, though.  Things do change, however, and we can never tell what the future will bring.

A Surprise 55th Wedding Anniversary

Attended my Stepdad's Parent's 55th wedding anniversary today.  The real anniversary is in December so he completely surprised them by holding it in July.  I know he wanted to do something special for them since their 50th was around the same time his sister passed away so it went uncelebrated.

It amazes me that they've been together that long.  I just look at my last 30 years and realize that there are completely different periods in my life.  I refer to them as lifetimes and I would say I've had about 5 of them so far.  Something comes along to drastically change your way of thinking or behaving and thus a new lifetime is born.  I read journal entries from ten years ago and I can't even remember being that person.  So, I can't imagine being with someone through that many life changes. 

How do you stay with someone for that length of time and still be in love with each other?  I know they had dark times.  And I know they had brilliant time.  So how did they get from one to the other for 55 years?

Songs for the day

Because, if I've learned anything from watching Glee, songs will get you through.

More Lists for the Rafiki Lady

Education:  at least bachelor's degree (slightly negotiable - depending on life situations and experiences)
Health:  Should be healthy- no bodybuilder fanatic types, no beer bellies.  Takes all necessary medication, has honest conversations with GP about concerns and visit regularly.  Takes health seriously but it doesn't run his life.  Visit dentists regularly, values healthy teeth.  ***Very Important - will bring me soup when I am sick***
Family: Siblings (negotiable - I want my partner to understand my bond with my sister and to have learned the lessons of sharing a life with someone.  But these things don't require a sibling to know.) preferably a sister, but not important so long as he has respect for women.  Parents can be divorced, married, deceased, never married, living in a different state, whatever.  Would prefer if there is a positive family relationship, but these are things that can't be controlled.  My partner should want a family someday, within the next 5-10 years.
Career: no requirement for a specific profession, so long as it can support his lifestyle.  Someone with ambition, willing to work hard for things they want.  Even if the job they have is not what they prefer to do but it lets them do the things they love.  Doesn't take short cuts or expect things to be handed to him.  Would prefer someone with a regular day job so that scheduling is easier, but could be negotiable for the right person/circumstances

Lists

I usually make lists: things that need to be done, goals I have for the year, things that need to be packed for a trip, characteristics I don't want in a boyfriend.  Last night, my therapist gave me homework.  She wants me to create a list of characteristics I want in a partner.  I told her it was easier to make a list of things I didn't want and I felt that creating a list of specific things I did want would narrow my search and leave out a lot of worthwhile people.  She said that it would give me focus and help point me in the direction I wanted to go, because if I never knew what I wanted how could I be sure I was heading the right way.  I can see the thought process in that and will do it.  But it is a little more difficult than I thought.

She also wants me to create a list of, what I would consider, the most important romantic relationships in my life and how I was when I was in them.  So maybe it would be easier to create that list and then pull out the characteristics I liked about each of those people, instead of the things I didn't like about those relationships.  This will, of course, tie-in with her let's see what the people you date have in common and what the problem really is.  That is why I am there after all, to make sure that I am not doing something to sabotage myself when it comes to relationships.  And as different as most of these men are, they did have some similarities.  Now I just need to see if those similarities are deeper than I thought.

A small list I came up with last night:

1. Wants a family, someday
2. Has a typical day job
1. restaurant workers and night shift hasn't worked with my schedule
2. regular schedule like mine, with predictable work nights could be okay.
3. transitional jobs, due to economy problems, are also okay.  But if they haven't had a "grown-up" job they won't understand my routine.
3. Has a close family - or at least understands the time I spend with mine
4. Has at least one sibling - preferably a sister
5. open to a relationship
6. sees a relationship as a true partnership
1. not someone who feels they need to teach me something about life, but someone with whom I can continually learn and grow
2. encourages me to be a better version of myself and vice versa without being cruel or domineering
3. will seek out my opinion and seriously consider it even when the decision has nothing to do with me or my life
4. will offer his opinion and help on difficult decisions, but ultimately knows it is my life and my choices and no reflection on him if I do not follow his advice and is okay with that.
7. Has a budget - a plan for his retirement, aka takes steps to provide for his future.
8. Believes that the rules exist for a reason and doesn't see them as a challenge to overcome.  But understands that some laws are stupid, i.e. prohibition of same-sex marriages.
1. no get rich quick schemes, serious gambling problems, drug use, drinking problems
2. respects intellectual properties and doesn't download illegally, plagiarize, and documents sources.
9. can balance work, romance, friends, family
10. 50/50 relationship
1. Makes time for me and wants to be with me, but leaves me time for outside interests and hobbies.
1. it's important to maintain an individual identity
2. allows us to continually bring something new to the relationship
2. Integrate into my life without taking it over
1. will hang out with my friends and family
2. includes me in activities with his friends and family
3. able to maintain outside relationships
3. half the time at my place, half at his
4. Share financial responsibilities
1. doesn't expect me to maintain a higher lifestyle because he can afford to

Okay maybe it's not as small as I thought, but I started thinking about things as I went along.

Second Dates

I have come to the conclusion, this weekend, that I really hate dating.  Specifically I am referring to that thing we all do when we are absolutely single and trying to find one person with whom to spend quality time, not the dating that happens when one has found someone worth their time but before it's an agreed upon relationship.  In the past month I have had "dates" with three different guys, though one of them doesn't really count cause it was agreed it a no strings meeting.  It is my policy that everyone gets a second date, unless the first date is just awful, because everyone can be nervous on a first date and not give a great first impression.  I also think it's kind of like wine or beer tasting, the first sip clears the pallet and the second one really tells you about the person.  That being said, I should also learn that my first impressions and reactions are usually pretty accurate.

I had a second date today that I already knew wasn't going to change my mind, but the guy was so nice that I sincerely hoped I was wrong.  I wasn't.  And I completely chickened out of having that conversation at the end of the date where I explain that I'm just not interested in anything other than friendship.  Part of me wanted to talk about it with my therapist on Monday before making any declarations.  I think it's because of how things ended with my ex and I doubt my instincts right now.  I mean clearly whatever method I've been using to pick a guy isn't working.  But now I realize that I will have to meet this person for a third time to actually have a conversation where I say I'm just not attracted to him, because it's really better to do those things in person isn't it?  And it just makes me feel like an asshole.

This guy is genuinely nice and it's pretty obvious that he likes me, but I don't want to make out with him.  I didn't want him to hold my hand, either, and my thought about the second date when I agreed to it was "let's get this over."  And given that I had these same reactions when I met my roommate and living with him for a year hasn't changed anything, I think I can safely say that my thinking is accurate on this one, too.  But I know how it feels to meet someone with whom you feel a connection and they don't.  I keep saying I wish I could meet a nice guy and here I have, but I don't want him.  So I feel bad about it even though I can't help what I don't feel.  I think the important thing is that I don't let it go on longer than necessary and allow him to move on and find that right person for him.

Cinco de Mayo

Just returned from a blind-ish date.  (Met the guy online and agreed to meet up and see if we were a match.)  I don't know if it's me or what, but I don't think this is going past a second date.  I think everyone deserves at least two dates.  The first date can be nerve wracking and some people can pysch themselves out to a point that they don't give an accurate version of themselves.  Second dates are usually a little bit easier and will tell you if your first impressions were correct or not.

My first impressions:  the guy was very nice, very open, and we talked about super heroes and childhood cartoon shows.  However, I did not want to hold his hand or make out with him.  I learned that he still lives with his parents, though it makes sense that he would.  (He's just out of law school and building his practice, paying back student loans, etc.)  But I get the feeling that he hasn't really been on his own, there's a certain confidence that's lacking, and I don't need a project.  Part of me wonders if I should ignore my impulse to keep my distance and see if something could develop as I got to know him more.  In terms of dating, I don't know that my instincts have served me well to date and I'm curious to see what would happen if I went against them.  But I have also learned that I am far more intuitive about relationships than I realize and if I had listened to my instincts from the start I could have saved myself some trouble.  (i.e. my wondering if my ex was still happy dating me back in January was my subconscious picking up on his changed behavior after he met his, now, current girlfriend.) 

I think that's the worst part about a break-up like the one I've just had.  It skews your perception of everything and makes you doubt yourself in ways that are detrimental to your well-being.  Because everything I thought I knew, everything that I was certain of, changed as if overnight.  There wasn't a slow decline in the relationship, nothing noticeable or concerning, it was seemingly healthy.  The first one I'd had in a long time and I was completely blindsided.  Like being knocked under by an incoming wave at the beach, I am struggling to find my footing and get my bearings so I can make it safely to shore.  And this new guy, I don't even know if he had a chance to begin with.

What's in a Name?

Have you ever given any thought to your name?  I know why my parents chose the name they bestowed upon me and I spent a lot of time in my childhood thinking over its meaning and wondering if it really fit.  Of course, I would have to say that I can't imagine being named anything other than what I am.  People never tell me that I look more like a Margaret or Alexandra. 

According to Wikipedia, my name comes from the Greek word, "katharos."    Which, according to a quick search on the Internet that brought up this biblical site, means "pure" or "clean."  For most of my childhood, I knew that my name meant, "pure," and I wondered if I really was.  At the time, I was steeped in religion and worried that I wasn't worthy of heaven. Purity, as I knew it then, applied to the mind, body and soul with few exceptions.  No tattoos, earrings, alcohol, etc.  I sort of came to a point where I realized that I could never adhere to all of those things and thought my name wasn't really fitting.

As an adult, I've realize that I have lived up to my name, though not exactly in the way I expected to.  The counselor I've started seeing, just as a mental check-up if you will, has talked in our last two sessions about how the things I do come from a "pure place" and that I expect everyone elses' intentions and actions to be as honest as my own.  It was this comment that made me think about my name and it's meaning.  I don't hide things from people, if something is on my mind I will usually say it.  (Some relationship confessions of feeling notwithstanding.)  I'm always upfront with people about where I'm coming from and what I expect.  If I were to develop feelings for someone else, no matter how difficult it would be, I would make sure to end my current relationship before even exploring the new option. 

When I spoke with my ex's new girlfriend, that Saturday where all was revealed, she said that maybe there just weren't any decent guys left in the dating pool and I couldn't agree with her at all.  I know of at least one personally and my sister has at least another one I know of in her cache of best friends.  So there are at least two out there that would be worth the time, effort, loyalty, and devotion of a decent girl.   It made me feel sorry for her that she didn't think she deserved better, you know?  It was like she had given up on finding a good man because there "aren't any decent guys left in the dating pool."  There are, I wanted to say, you just have to cast your nets wider and be willing to throw back the bad ones.

There are things that have happened in my family that I just can't understand why or how they were ever okay.  True, people make mistakes, but I don't know that I would ever let myself get caught up in those situations.  I have certain expectations for how people should behave and treat others. Maybe they are idealistic and there aren't that many people out there who hold themselves to the same standard, but I have to believe there are.  There are people who believe in doing what is right, not just what is right for them.

A Slutty Phase?

In discussions this weekend, someone told me that everyone is allowed to go through a slutty phase.  This conversation came up because I related that I was considering a benefits only agreement with someone I had just met.  It's not really the kind of thing I do, or typically would enjoy, but I am simply not in a place right now where I want to legitimately date people.  True, I have dusted off my online dating profile (though I didn't update the pictures, yet), but I am really just not in the right frame of mind to be open to meeting someone new right now.  No one is going to be the person I want them to be, not even the person I want them to be, and it's really not fair to those who are genuinely open to a relationship right now.  Though, that is probably the person I should meet and, in a romantic comedy movie, they would restore my confidence in people.  But, in reality, I would not be open and I don't want to hurt someone the way that I've been hurt.

I also don't want to continue feeling sorry for myself.  I have lost a lot of weight and I look damn good.  There is no reason, except for my broken heart, why I should feel sorry for myself and I should take advantage of this new body I've uncovered; stretch my legs and test some boundaries. But I should also be careful and not put myself in dangerous situations.  So this arrangement will work for me for now.  It's someone I can't hurt and hopefully they can't hurt me, but certain needs will be satiated and I won't think so much about what was.  It will still be there but this may be the crutch to help me get past it until I can fully heal.  But I've given myself the summer for this so-called "slutty phase."  Anything longer than that will be excessive and dangerous to my emotional well-being.

Personality Tests

So I took one of those online test thingies -


Turns out my personality type on the Meyers-Briggs is ESFJ.  I'm not really sure what that means, but according to the Keirsey Temperament Website it convieniently linked to it is this:

 Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Selfishness?

It's very easy to get wrapped up in the tragedy of own lives and forget the struggles and pains of others.  Mine has been so loud in my ears that it has drowned out the words and kindnesses of others.  It's made me feel alone in a crowd.  I feel like there is no one to see me, the real me, the me inside.  Like I am on the peripheral of people's lives after having been in the center ring of someone's, even if for a short period of time; a side character in someone else's sitcom.  This feeling has not yet gone away, nor has it really diminished, but I have been reminded that there are worse things in this world.

I spent my day off on Saturday in DC with a dear friend, her husband and an old school friend of hers.  I wasn't really myself, but I was there and that was important for me.  She and her friend hadn't seen each other in 11 years and spent a good deal of time catching up.  Mostly talking about their chronic illnesses.  This is something I will readily admit, I have a hard time listening to in general.  My mother had some serious emotional health issues a few years ago and leaned rather heavily upon me.  So much so that I have to check myself whenever someone mentions Fibromyalgia or other unexplained chronic pain problems.  I know that these are legitimate problems for other people, but my knee-jerk reaction always takes me to that place where I dealt with my mother.  These are my issues, not theirs and I always try to keep an open mind about it.  My friend talked about her own depression, related to her health problems, and the feeling of helplessness she had and I felt like a total asshole.  She talked about having a tough time and not wanting to do things with people and how people just stopped calling her to hang out.  I was one of those people.  I'd tried to get a children's group started with her around that time in her life and had only been frustrated by her inability to make plans and attend events the way I was.  I just didn't understand and, dealing with my mom's issues at the same time, I didn't really try.

As it turns out, my friend's friend had major health problems last summer (of the Ulcerative Colitis variety) and actually had her colon removed late last year.  I connected with her on Facebook today, and Ravelry since she is a crafter by trade.  In doing so, I discovered her website and blog.  I read through a couple of her entries and was just overwhelmed by this feeling of selfishness.  She talks openly and honestly about her health problems and what she experienced.  I've spent the last few weeks torn up by this simple thing of a broken heart and I haven't had to experience any of the frightening things she talks about in her entries.  Yes, I had the gall bladder problem last summer, but that's about the scariest thing I've had to deal with in a very long time.

Today, my boss asked me how I was doing.  I said, "fine."  I didn't really want to get into things at work.  One never wants to over share, you know.  But then she asked me if I'd heard from him and of course that set me off.  I had to tell her about my discoveries last weekend and the message I'd received this weekend.  She was very sympathetic and supportive.  Told me she felt I was dealing with it very well all things considered and that I had to look at the big picture.  She reminded me that it was okay to be angry and sad and feel the way I did and I shouldn't feel bad about it.  But I know that her husband is still in the hospital after a couple of weeks.  He has a major infection in his body that they can't determine the cause of the cure right now.  It has to be incredibly frightening for her and her family.  Yet she sat and listened to me; told me the story about how she met her husband and assured me that there would be something similar in my future.

My own dear friend, M, is going through his own heartbreak.  His was much more serious, much longer in time and much deeper in mutual attachment.  Though he's had a few months to work through it.  But he will sit and listen to me complain about everything.  He's a much better friend to me than I've been to him lately.

I am sad, I am angry, I am confused.  I feel alone, I feel unlovable, I feel diminished.  All of these things are valid emotions, but I can't let them be like a train in the background of my interactions with people.  I need to remember that we all have our struggles and if all I have to worry about is my broken heart, I should count myself lucky.  I have my health, I have a good job, I am going to Ireland, I have family and friends that care about me even when they don't see me.  I've worked very hard on improving my life and I am starting to see that work pay off, I just need to realize that this break-up is not the worst thing that will happen to me and I can't let it overshadow all of the good things I do have nor let it break down those positive habits I've set in place.

The Third of April

The third of April and the fifth of October are never easy days for me, or the rest of my family for that matter. My paternal grandmother would have been 84 today and even though she's been gone for the last 14 years I think about her often and especially in difficult times.  I'm having a difficult time of things right now, in case you hadn't noticed, and I wonder what advice or consolation she would have for me. What had she experienced in her life that would lend comfort to mine? These are the things I wonder when I miss her; what stories were left untold when she died?

She was an amazing lady, as far as I can remember.  Though the details tend to get fuzzier as time goes on and sometimes it feels like I'm trying to catch sand in my hands; the grains slipping through my hands the harder I try to hold onto them.  Then some days she's there like it was yesterday.  The biggest thing I wish I could remember:  the actual sound of her voice.  Sometimes I think I can hear it, but it's never quite right.  I wish they'd had those recordable books when she was alive or that I could find a family video tape with her talking.

As for me, I've decided that I have until I finish my current journal to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's taken me a little over 3 months to get a little past the halfway. So I figure that is more than enough time to get to a more positive frame of mind and not too much time that it's ridiculous. Though, I know I won't be completely myself for a while. I just cant let myself wallow in my sorrows.  I am sure that I will be in a better frame of mind long before I reach the end of this current journal, but it helps to have a deadline in mind.

Permanent Ink

from http://www.tattoos.org/galleries/Bird_Tattoo_Designs/black-phoenix-bird.jpg

Tribal Phoenix by
Adam Jon Dicky

Phoenix Tattoo by
Oreozili

At present, I do not have any tattoos.  It is something I think about from time to time, but haven't exactly committed to just yet.  There is something about the permanence of it and my ability to change my mind about clothes and styles too quickly.  Right now, I am considering a Phoenix tattoo as it has become my symbol for the moment.  It is not the first time I have looked to the phoenix for inspiration, but it's usually under the same circumstances that I seek it out.

I have overcome a great many things to be the person I am today.  When I have troubles, I always emerge from them stronger and better than I was before and I know that this time in my life will be no different.  So the idea of a phoenix tattoo is back on the table, though I doubt I will actual follow through with it.  It would have to be small enough I won't regret it later and in a location that won't morph and change with time and weight.  So a lot to be considered before actually thinking about it seriously.

A Fool's Day

Today I received an e-mail from my ex.  It's partially my fault as I sent a text message last weekend, after we had our discussions about what happened.  In my text message, I merely asked if it were at all possible for him to save one of the St. Patrick's Day beers for me to try.  NOT hey save one for me and we'll get together and have them.  Just a simple olive branch type of thing that I didn't expect would be a legitimate possibility.  But the point was that I was trying to keep the friendly lines of communication open for later use; to get across the point that despite what had happened I didn't hold a grudge.

I didn't hear back about it all week, and honestly I didn't expect to at all.  But today I get an e-mail that says he thinks I'm trying to "hold on to the idea of us getting back together and I really just need to move on.  Oh and by the way, I don't appreciate you telling my new girlfriend that you'll be friends when I dump her."  This is paraphrasing of course, but you get my point.  He e-mailed because of something I said in a conversation with her a week ago, that she apparently just told him.  What I did say to her was that I thought she was cool and had we met under different circumstances we might have been friends.  I also said that if he didn't work on his issues and legitimately try to rebuild trust with her and she felt she couldn't stay with him that she should give me a call and we'd go out.  But I also said that I sincerely hoped things worked out between them and that he did try to get over his other ex girlfriend and that one day if they got married I would hope we'd all be at a point where we could be friends and I could share in their joy.  So I wasn't saying that he would dump her eventually and that she should call me, but I didn't say that they would live forever and ever happily ever after.  The thing is that everything for them is up in the air right now and when I talked to her on the phone I was trying to be realistic and encouraging, though I honestly don't know why.

I responded, of course, to his e-mail today before I really had time to think about it and that was probably a bad thing.  But I explained that he took my words to her out of context and that I wasn't trying desperately to hold on to him.  To say that I didn't wish we could go back to before he even met her and all this happened would be a lie, I was sincerely happy then and I am not now.  But I am also not delusional and I know that even if we had a chance at getting back together it would never work; that trust has been broken and in the back of my mind I would always doubt.  I would never be able to have that happiness back again for all the wishing in the world.  So I am trying to move on.  It's only been a week since I learned of all these complicated parts to our break-up and the previous week was spent consoling myself that he was just confused and we would get back together.  With the knowledge that he was with and might love someone else, I've had to take a different approach to healing and thus have only had a week to deal.

A week is far too soon for any real progress to be made in that arena (though clearly two weeks is enough to know if you're in love with someone so maybe he feels I'm dragging my feet on this) but the point is I am laying the groundwork for a better future.  I am not waiting for him to come back with oaths of anything, though a small part of me wishes it were possible, because realistically I know better.  And he should have ignored the text message I sent completely.  There was no need to respond, even a week later, to it except the fact that he was upset about something I said to his girlfriend a week ago and he'd just found out about it.  He said he felt threatened by it, though I have no idea why.  I have said nothing threatening, nor have I said anything malicious or hateful to him and if I felt that way he surely would have deserved it.  I didn't even tell her she could do better. 

I am tired of getting to a point where I feel a little bit better and then get dragged back into this mess.  They clearly have issues and, even though they are deciding to stay together, it will be a tough road ahead for them both.  I am not included in this anymore, I shouldn't be messaged about it.  I should not be made to feel worse about something when I have done nothing wrong.  I probably should have been a little more cautious and truly given a lot of distance before sending anything, friendly or otherwise.  But I had felt really positive after the conversations last week and I genuinely wanted to prove that friendship was possible down the road.  Since then, I have felt otherwise.  Especially since I am having such a hard time dealing with the loss of that friendship and companionship.  Last weekend I felt better about it, but the truth of it hadn't sunk in completely, and I sent something kind in an unguarded moment.  I thought if I just treated him the way I would my other friends I don't see regularly it would be okay.

I know that if we are to be friends, it won't be for a very long time if at all.  I was not trying to force that issue.  I haven't been messaging everyday or keeping up old behaviors at all.  I took both of their numbers out of my phone, blocked him on Facebook, now I've set up a filter in my e-mail to catch any messages that could derail my efforts of recovery.  I just feel like this came about because he was trying to separate himself as much as possible from what happened.  Unfortunately, he will not look back on our time together fondly because it will always be tied up with what he did.  At some point, I will be able to, but I realize now that he won't be able to get past it and a friendship will not be possible.  In reality that option was gone forever the minute he started lying to me and certainly when he started sleeping with us both.

I shouldn't have to defend myself when I've done nothing wrong and I don't know why I felt the need to.  It feels like I am being punished for some reason I haven't figured out yet.  Perhaps someone else will read this and feel like I am protesting too much, and maybe I am, but the last thing I wanted was for him to have a reason to loathe the memory of me.  Like my sister did with her first girlfriend.  I wanted it to be like her first serious girlfriend.  Someone that a few years down the road the person would be able to truly say they were sorry and that they'd messed up any chances but were glad that you were happy and hoped you could talk friendly from time to time without any hard feelings.  But someone you could look back on and smile when you thought about them and vice versa.  But whoever that person was, the one I knew and loved, is gone forever if, in fact, they ever existed at all.  I liked that person and wanted to have that friendship for later.  Then this all happened and I have to cut someone I sincerely like out of my life for the good of everyone involved.  And I think that is what makes this entire process so much more difficult than any break-up I've been through before.

Time Alone

I realize that I am my own worst enemy right now.  When I am at work, or doing something that involved thought, I am fine.  I am distracted and focused on anything else but what is actually bothering me.  But the minute I have two or three minutes to let my mind wonder, that's when I get into trouble.  I can't help but replay things over and over in my head or think about how my ex cheated on me.  I keep seeing him having sex with this other person and it kills me every time.

I gave my forgiveness, and I truly do forgive, but the getting over is going to be more difficult.  Because I still can't reconcile the fact the the person I knew and loved could do this to another human being, let alone me.  I know that he wasn't in love with me, I know this, so it wasn't as large of a betrayal as it could have been.  But it still was a betrayal of my trust and my feelings and that is the hardest part.  I can't think of the good times without the bad ending.  I can't villainize and hate him, because of everything that came before.  It doesn't make this situation right and his decisions were completely wrong.

Perhaps the hardest thing is that, even if it were someone I wasn't in love with, I could never do this to another person and I can't completely wrap my head about his actions.  I can understand why things happened the way they did and even forgive the person I knew before all of this, but I couldn't lie directly to anyone I cared about.  I couldn't juggle two people that cared about me simply because I was too afraid to make a decision.  The one time I dated two people, both knew it wasn't exclusive or really serious.  Every month the main guy I was seeing and I would sit down and talk about whether we wanted to move to exclusivity or if this was working for us.  Since we weren't exactly romantically attached to each other, we always decided to keep it an open dating relationship just not to discuss what we did with other people.  But I still felt bad about seeing other people.  I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong or hurting anyone, but I knew it wasn't right for me.  We were honest and open with each other, but I still felt like I was lying and I hated myself for it. It's something I will never agree to again. 

If I didn't know this feeling was temporary and that I was strong enough to get over this as I have so many other things, it might be easier to feel this miserable.  I could feel like the world was over and I would never be happy again.  Wallow in my sorrows until little bit, by little bit it receded into the ocean of memory.  But knowing I will survive this and go on to better things only makes the ache in my chest frustrating.  The flooding of memories and feelings of self doubt that rush at me when I have those two or three minutes to wonder around my brain are tortuous.  Because I know it will get better and I wish I were already over this part.

Ten Years Ago

Reading through my journal from ten years ago.  It's not exactly ten years to the month, but the very first entry in the book I picked up today is discussing whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me.  Then there are later entries about how he told me he loved me and how great it was to feel the same way at the same time.  This is all not cool.  I am writing most of the same things in my journal ten years later.  And I find it very disturbing that I am in a very similar place that I was last year.  Though the cause of my pain is not nearly as much of an asshole.  Well, okay, his actions were very assholish...but as a person he's not as bad as either of the two I've previously written about.  Though the end result is the same....

Other things in my journal from 2001:
1) Encounters with Jim that I had completely blocked out of my mind.  Reading through them again, I completely understand why my subconscious tucked them away.
2) I wrote about worrying if I would ever have a chance at a healthy relationship given the examples around me.
3) Also, about possibly having major things wrong with me mentally that I wouldn't even know were wrong.  Because of the people around me.