Selfishness?

It's very easy to get wrapped up in the tragedy of own lives and forget the struggles and pains of others.  Mine has been so loud in my ears that it has drowned out the words and kindnesses of others.  It's made me feel alone in a crowd.  I feel like there is no one to see me, the real me, the me inside.  Like I am on the peripheral of people's lives after having been in the center ring of someone's, even if for a short period of time; a side character in someone else's sitcom.  This feeling has not yet gone away, nor has it really diminished, but I have been reminded that there are worse things in this world.

I spent my day off on Saturday in DC with a dear friend, her husband and an old school friend of hers.  I wasn't really myself, but I was there and that was important for me.  She and her friend hadn't seen each other in 11 years and spent a good deal of time catching up.  Mostly talking about their chronic illnesses.  This is something I will readily admit, I have a hard time listening to in general.  My mother had some serious emotional health issues a few years ago and leaned rather heavily upon me.  So much so that I have to check myself whenever someone mentions Fibromyalgia or other unexplained chronic pain problems.  I know that these are legitimate problems for other people, but my knee-jerk reaction always takes me to that place where I dealt with my mother.  These are my issues, not theirs and I always try to keep an open mind about it.  My friend talked about her own depression, related to her health problems, and the feeling of helplessness she had and I felt like a total asshole.  She talked about having a tough time and not wanting to do things with people and how people just stopped calling her to hang out.  I was one of those people.  I'd tried to get a children's group started with her around that time in her life and had only been frustrated by her inability to make plans and attend events the way I was.  I just didn't understand and, dealing with my mom's issues at the same time, I didn't really try.

As it turns out, my friend's friend had major health problems last summer (of the Ulcerative Colitis variety) and actually had her colon removed late last year.  I connected with her on Facebook today, and Ravelry since she is a crafter by trade.  In doing so, I discovered her website and blog.  I read through a couple of her entries and was just overwhelmed by this feeling of selfishness.  She talks openly and honestly about her health problems and what she experienced.  I've spent the last few weeks torn up by this simple thing of a broken heart and I haven't had to experience any of the frightening things she talks about in her entries.  Yes, I had the gall bladder problem last summer, but that's about the scariest thing I've had to deal with in a very long time.

Today, my boss asked me how I was doing.  I said, "fine."  I didn't really want to get into things at work.  One never wants to over share, you know.  But then she asked me if I'd heard from him and of course that set me off.  I had to tell her about my discoveries last weekend and the message I'd received this weekend.  She was very sympathetic and supportive.  Told me she felt I was dealing with it very well all things considered and that I had to look at the big picture.  She reminded me that it was okay to be angry and sad and feel the way I did and I shouldn't feel bad about it.  But I know that her husband is still in the hospital after a couple of weeks.  He has a major infection in his body that they can't determine the cause of the cure right now.  It has to be incredibly frightening for her and her family.  Yet she sat and listened to me; told me the story about how she met her husband and assured me that there would be something similar in my future.

My own dear friend, M, is going through his own heartbreak.  His was much more serious, much longer in time and much deeper in mutual attachment.  Though he's had a few months to work through it.  But he will sit and listen to me complain about everything.  He's a much better friend to me than I've been to him lately.

I am sad, I am angry, I am confused.  I feel alone, I feel unlovable, I feel diminished.  All of these things are valid emotions, but I can't let them be like a train in the background of my interactions with people.  I need to remember that we all have our struggles and if all I have to worry about is my broken heart, I should count myself lucky.  I have my health, I have a good job, I am going to Ireland, I have family and friends that care about me even when they don't see me.  I've worked very hard on improving my life and I am starting to see that work pay off, I just need to realize that this break-up is not the worst thing that will happen to me and I can't let it overshadow all of the good things I do have nor let it break down those positive habits I've set in place.