Today I received an e-mail from my ex. It's partially my fault as I sent a text message last weekend, after we had our discussions about what happened. In my text message, I merely asked if it were at all possible for him to save one of the St. Patrick's Day beers for me to try. NOT hey save one for me and we'll get together and have them. Just a simple olive branch type of thing that I didn't expect would be a legitimate possibility. But the point was that I was trying to keep the friendly lines of communication open for later use; to get across the point that despite what had happened I didn't hold a grudge.
I didn't hear back about it all week, and honestly I didn't expect to at all. But today I get an e-mail that says he thinks I'm trying to "hold on to the idea of us getting back together and I really just need to move on. Oh and by the way, I don't appreciate you telling my new girlfriend that you'll be friends when I dump her." This is paraphrasing of course, but you get my point. He e-mailed because of something I said in a conversation with her a week ago, that she apparently just told him. What I did say to her was that I thought she was cool and had we met under different circumstances we might have been friends. I also said that if he didn't work on his issues and legitimately try to rebuild trust with her and she felt she couldn't stay with him that she should give me a call and we'd go out. But I also said that I sincerely hoped things worked out between them and that he did try to get over his other ex girlfriend and that one day if they got married I would hope we'd all be at a point where we could be friends and I could share in their joy. So I wasn't saying that he would dump her eventually and that she should call me, but I didn't say that they would live forever and ever happily ever after. The thing is that everything for them is up in the air right now and when I talked to her on the phone I was trying to be realistic and encouraging, though I honestly don't know why.
I responded, of course, to his e-mail today before I really had time to think about it and that was probably a bad thing. But I explained that he took my words to her out of context and that I wasn't trying desperately to hold on to him. To say that I didn't wish we could go back to before he even met her and all this happened would be a lie, I was sincerely happy then and I am not now. But I am also not delusional and I know that even if we had a chance at getting back together it would never work; that trust has been broken and in the back of my mind I would always doubt. I would never be able to have that happiness back again for all the wishing in the world. So I am trying to move on. It's only been a week since I learned of all these complicated parts to our break-up and the previous week was spent consoling myself that he was just confused and we would get back together. With the knowledge that he was with and might love someone else, I've had to take a different approach to healing and thus have only had a week to deal.
A week is far too soon for any real progress to be made in that arena (though clearly two weeks is enough to know if you're in love with someone so maybe he feels I'm dragging my feet on this) but the point is I am laying the groundwork for a better future. I am not waiting for him to come back with oaths of anything, though a small part of me wishes it were possible, because realistically I know better. And he should have ignored the text message I sent completely. There was no need to respond, even a week later, to it except the fact that he was upset about something I said to his girlfriend a week ago and he'd just found out about it. He said he felt threatened by it, though I have no idea why. I have said nothing threatening, nor have I said anything malicious or hateful to him and if I felt that way he surely would have deserved it. I didn't even tell her she could do better.
I am tired of getting to a point where I feel a little bit better and then get dragged back into this mess. They clearly have issues and, even though they are deciding to stay together, it will be a tough road ahead for them both. I am not included in this anymore, I shouldn't be messaged about it. I should not be made to feel worse about something when I have done nothing wrong. I probably should have been a little more cautious and truly given a lot of distance before sending anything, friendly or otherwise. But I had felt really positive after the conversations last week and I genuinely wanted to prove that friendship was possible down the road. Since then, I have felt otherwise. Especially since I am having such a hard time dealing with the loss of that friendship and companionship. Last weekend I felt better about it, but the truth of it hadn't sunk in completely, and I sent something kind in an unguarded moment. I thought if I just treated him the way I would my other friends I don't see regularly it would be okay.
I know that if we are to be friends, it won't be for a very long time if at all. I was not trying to force that issue. I haven't been messaging everyday or keeping up old behaviors at all. I took both of their numbers out of my phone, blocked him on Facebook, now I've set up a filter in my e-mail to catch any messages that could derail my efforts of recovery. I just feel like this came about because he was trying to separate himself as much as possible from what happened. Unfortunately, he will not look back on our time together fondly because it will always be tied up with what he did. At some point, I will be able to, but I realize now that he won't be able to get past it and a friendship will not be possible. In reality that option was gone forever the minute he started lying to me and certainly when he started sleeping with us both.
I shouldn't have to defend myself when I've done nothing wrong and I don't know why I felt the need to. It feels like I am being punished for some reason I haven't figured out yet. Perhaps someone else will read this and feel like I am protesting too much, and maybe I am, but the last thing I wanted was for him to have a reason to loathe the memory of me. Like my sister did with her first girlfriend. I wanted it to be like her first serious girlfriend. Someone that a few years down the road the person would be able to truly say they were sorry and that they'd messed up any chances but were glad that you were happy and hoped you could talk friendly from time to time without any hard feelings. But someone you could look back on and smile when you thought about them and vice versa. But whoever that person was, the one I knew and loved, is gone forever if, in fact, they ever existed at all. I liked that person and wanted to have that friendship for later. Then this all happened and I have to cut someone I sincerely like out of my life for the good of everyone involved. And I think that is what makes this entire process so much more difficult than any break-up I've been through before.
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