The third of April and the fifth of October are never easy days for me, or the rest of my family for that matter. My paternal grandmother would have been 84 today and even though she's been gone for the last 14 years I think about her often and especially in difficult times. I'm having a difficult time of things right now, in case you hadn't noticed, and I wonder what advice or consolation she would have for me. What had she experienced in her life that would lend comfort to mine? These are the things I wonder when I miss her; what stories were left untold when she died?
She was an amazing lady, as far as I can remember. Though the details tend to get fuzzier as time goes on and sometimes it feels like I'm trying to catch sand in my hands; the grains slipping through my hands the harder I try to hold onto them. Then some days she's there like it was yesterday. The biggest thing I wish I could remember: the actual sound of her voice. Sometimes I think I can hear it, but it's never quite right. I wish they'd had those recordable books when she was alive or that I could find a family video tape with her talking.
As for me, I've decided that I have until I finish my current journal to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's taken me a little over 3 months to get a little past the halfway. So I figure that is more than enough time to get to a more positive frame of mind and not too much time that it's ridiculous. Though, I know I won't be completely myself for a while. I just cant let myself wallow in my sorrows. I am sure that I will be in a better frame of mind long before I reach the end of this current journal, but it helps to have a deadline in mind.
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