In discussions this weekend, someone told me that everyone is allowed to go through a slutty phase. This conversation came up because I related that I was considering a benefits only agreement with someone I had just met. It's not really the kind of thing I do, or typically would enjoy, but I am simply not in a place right now where I want to legitimately date people. True, I have dusted off my online dating profile (though I didn't update the pictures, yet), but I am really just not in the right frame of mind to be open to meeting someone new right now. No one is going to be the person I want them to be, not even the person I want them to be, and it's really not fair to those who are genuinely open to a relationship right now. Though, that is probably the person I should meet and, in a romantic comedy movie, they would restore my confidence in people. But, in reality, I would not be open and I don't want to hurt someone the way that I've been hurt.
I also don't want to continue feeling sorry for myself. I have lost a lot of weight and I look damn good. There is no reason, except for my broken heart, why I should feel sorry for myself and I should take advantage of this new body I've uncovered; stretch my legs and test some boundaries. But I should also be careful and not put myself in dangerous situations. So this arrangement will work for me for now. It's someone I can't hurt and hopefully they can't hurt me, but certain needs will be satiated and I won't think so much about what was. It will still be there but this may be the crutch to help me get past it until I can fully heal. But I've given myself the summer for this so-called "slutty phase." Anything longer than that will be excessive and dangerous to my emotional well-being.
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