There are some days where I have a lot of emotions going through my head. This week has definitely been one of them. I go back and forth between feeling somewhat normal and just feeling lost. I don't know if it's thinking about where I was this time last year or if it's that I'm going to be 31 and am I where I'm supposed to be. And there is this small part of me that wonders if M will send an e-mail to just say Happy Birthday or, if he doesn't how will I feel about that. It's not something I think about often, it's not something that bothers me anymore - not like it used to anyway - but from time to time I plague myself with these thoughts.
I know it's the last point of reference I have for a relationship and I think that's why it enters my thoughts as often as it does. There are also problems with some of my friends' relationships and their significant others cheating on them. So it refreshes that whole thing in my mind. It still worries me though that there are times when it feels like it was only a month ago. I know that I am ready to meet someone new, meaning that I can meet someone and not feel like it would be under the shadow of what happened last year. But then I wonder if I really am if I'm concerned about whether or not my ex will wish me a happy birthday almost a full year after everything went down. And if I am thinking about that at all, does that mean that I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself when it comes to meeting someone new?
I'm super excited about my trip to Atlanta, though. I think it's the shock to the system I need right now. I just need something different to lift me out of this negative head space. Something to energize me and push me into a positive direction.
Showing posts with label ex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ex. Show all posts
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Earthquake!
I have lived 30 years in Maryland and never has the thought of a possible Earthquake entered my mind. Now this is the second one I've experienced in the space of a year. (Last year's I had just started dating my now ex and it woke me up at 5:00am. I wasn't sure what it was and woke him up, he calmed me down and told me it was probably a dream. I sort of wonder now if I should have taken this as some sort of sign.)
This year's I was sitting at my desk and the lights started flickering. My boss came out of her office and yelled at us to get under our desks - she lived on the West Coast for several years. The nearest thing I can compare it to would be a large truck driving by your house. Or like when you were little and some asshole kid would grab whatever you were standing on and yell "earthquake!" while shaking it. Except, this isn't some asshole kid and you can't step off the ladder, or chair, and find stable ground. It's the whole building and all the ground outside.
FACTS:
5.9 Earthquake
1:51pm est
Center - Virginia
I called my mother to let her know that I was perfectly fine, just a little shaken. And she started talking about the end of times and how we'll know because of earthquakes and rumors of wars, etc. a) there are always rumors of wars. b) I found this handy article that was written after last year's earthquake that confirms east coast quakes are not as infrequent as we would like to believe. Honestly, this could always be the end of the world as we know it. Ten years ago, after the 9/11 attacks, the world as we knew it changed but it wasn't the end of the world.
This is like the Texas Sharp Shooter Fallacy I read about the other day. Where there are completely unrelated events that are being used to support a single idea.
This year's I was sitting at my desk and the lights started flickering. My boss came out of her office and yelled at us to get under our desks - she lived on the West Coast for several years. The nearest thing I can compare it to would be a large truck driving by your house. Or like when you were little and some asshole kid would grab whatever you were standing on and yell "earthquake!" while shaking it. Except, this isn't some asshole kid and you can't step off the ladder, or chair, and find stable ground. It's the whole building and all the ground outside.
FACTS:
5.9 Earthquake
1:51pm est
Center - Virginia
I called my mother to let her know that I was perfectly fine, just a little shaken. And she started talking about the end of times and how we'll know because of earthquakes and rumors of wars, etc. a) there are always rumors of wars. b) I found this handy article that was written after last year's earthquake that confirms east coast quakes are not as infrequent as we would like to believe. Honestly, this could always be the end of the world as we know it. Ten years ago, after the 9/11 attacks, the world as we knew it changed but it wasn't the end of the world.
This is like the Texas Sharp Shooter Fallacy I read about the other day. Where there are completely unrelated events that are being used to support a single idea.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Unexpected Uses for Accounting
You know that time of day, when your brain wonders to whatever topic it wants? It could be anything from Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and wonder if that Asian actor in the new Spring Commercial is the same guy who played Adam in the Might Morphin Power Rangers Movie to a shame spiral of thoughts that lead one to dark emotional places. This could happen while one is at work, driving in the car, or trying to go to sleep.
It's whatever time of day you have where your brain is unfocused and allowed to frolic freely in the mine field of your memories. For me this happens most frequently when I am driving (usually home from work) or when my head hits my pillow. It will catch on a thought and then chase after it like a ravenous beast. Due to recent life events, it's usually about how different things are this year as opposed to last year. Or what could have happened differently from how life is right now. Or reliving the feeling of those revelations. Or wondering if there's ever something in his current life that causes him to think of me and regret his choices. Not just because of the pain he caused but because of me. Driving home usually has me wondering what I would say if he ever came back and wanted a second chance. Which is really very silly.
I have found that the confusing nature of Debits and Credits in accounting has given me an alternative. Doing well in this Principles of Accounting Class is important to me and the plans I am making for my future. Most of it is pretty easy to grasp since I can relate it to work I am currently doing, but most of it doesn't come second nature and I have to really work my way through a problem. So in these times, where my mind is sabotaging my recovery, I have started thinking about the Accounting Equation and which parts have increases in debits and which have increases in credits. It gives me focus on something positive and helps to reinforce the knowledge I am gaining. Win/Win.
It's whatever time of day you have where your brain is unfocused and allowed to frolic freely in the mine field of your memories. For me this happens most frequently when I am driving (usually home from work) or when my head hits my pillow. It will catch on a thought and then chase after it like a ravenous beast. Due to recent life events, it's usually about how different things are this year as opposed to last year. Or what could have happened differently from how life is right now. Or reliving the feeling of those revelations. Or wondering if there's ever something in his current life that causes him to think of me and regret his choices. Not just because of the pain he caused but because of me. Driving home usually has me wondering what I would say if he ever came back and wanted a second chance. Which is really very silly.
I have found that the confusing nature of Debits and Credits in accounting has given me an alternative. Doing well in this Principles of Accounting Class is important to me and the plans I am making for my future. Most of it is pretty easy to grasp since I can relate it to work I am currently doing, but most of it doesn't come second nature and I have to really work my way through a problem. So in these times, where my mind is sabotaging my recovery, I have started thinking about the Accounting Equation and which parts have increases in debits and which have increases in credits. It gives me focus on something positive and helps to reinforce the knowledge I am gaining. Win/Win.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Baltimore Pride 2011
We had the usual dinner at Sammy's and I definitely ate far too much. I enjoyed myself for the most part, but after they went over to Leon's I lost interest in being there. I was reminded of where I was last year and reflected too much on where I am this year. It was this same bar where I was so excited over meeting my now ex. I had spent more time than was polite on the phone with him outside the bar and he'd wanted me to meet his friends in DC. It was one of two invitations I received for that particular group and neither time worked out. I sort of wonder now if that could have made any difference. But that is foolish thinking. It didn't happen that way and if we'd been in the same place, looking for the same things, I wouldn't be where I am now and the what ifs wouldn't have mattered either way.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Lists
I usually make lists: things that need to be done, goals I have for the year, things that need to be packed for a trip, characteristics I don't want in a boyfriend. Last night, my therapist gave me homework. She wants me to create a list of characteristics I want in a partner. I told her it was easier to make a list of things I didn't want and I felt that creating a list of specific things I did want would narrow my search and leave out a lot of worthwhile people. She said that it would give me focus and help point me in the direction I wanted to go, because if I never knew what I wanted how could I be sure I was heading the right way. I can see the thought process in that and will do it. But it is a little more difficult than I thought.
She also wants me to create a list of, what I would consider, the most important romantic relationships in my life and how I was when I was in them. So maybe it would be easier to create that list and then pull out the characteristics I liked about each of those people, instead of the things I didn't like about those relationships. This will, of course, tie-in with her let's see what the people you date have in common and what the problem really is. That is why I am there after all, to make sure that I am not doing something to sabotage myself when it comes to relationships. And as different as most of these men are, they did have some similarities. Now I just need to see if those similarities are deeper than I thought.
A small list I came up with last night:
Okay maybe it's not as small as I thought, but I started thinking about things as I went along.
She also wants me to create a list of, what I would consider, the most important romantic relationships in my life and how I was when I was in them. So maybe it would be easier to create that list and then pull out the characteristics I liked about each of those people, instead of the things I didn't like about those relationships. This will, of course, tie-in with her let's see what the people you date have in common and what the problem really is. That is why I am there after all, to make sure that I am not doing something to sabotage myself when it comes to relationships. And as different as most of these men are, they did have some similarities. Now I just need to see if those similarities are deeper than I thought.
A small list I came up with last night:
- Wants a family, someday
- Has a typical day job
- restaurant workers and night shift hasn't worked with my schedule
- regular schedule like mine, with predictable work nights could be okay.
- transitional jobs, due to economy problems, are also okay. But if they haven't had a "grown-up" job they won't understand my routine.
- Has a close family - or at least understands the time I spend with mine
- Has at least one sibling - preferably a sister
- open to a relationship
- sees a relationship as a true partnership
- not someone who feels they need to teach me something about life, but someone with whom I can continually learn and grow
- encourages me to be a better version of myself and vice versa without being cruel or domineering
- will seek out my opinion and seriously consider it even when the decision has nothing to do with me or my life
- will offer his opinion and help on difficult decisions, but ultimately knows it is my life and my choices and no reflection on him if I do not follow his advice and is okay with that.
- Has a budget - a plan for his retirement, aka takes steps to provide for his future.
- Believes that the rules exist for a reason and doesn't see them as a challenge to overcome. But understands that some laws are stupid, i.e. prohibition of same-sex marriages.
- no get rich quick schemes, serious gambling problems, drug use, drinking problems
- respects intellectual properties and doesn't download illegally, plagiarize, and documents sources.
- can balance work, romance, friends, family
- 50/50 relationship
- Makes time for me and wants to be with me, but leaves me time for outside interests and hobbies.
- it's important to maintain an individual identity
- allows us to continually bring something new to the relationship
- Integrate into my life without taking it over
- will hang out with my friends and family
- includes me in activities with his friends and family
- able to maintain outside relationships
- half the time at my place, half at his
- Share financial responsibilities
- doesn't expect me to maintain a higher lifestyle because he can afford to
Okay maybe it's not as small as I thought, but I started thinking about things as I went along.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Cinco de Mayo
Just returned from a blind-ish date. (Met the guy online and agreed to meet up and see if we were a match.) I don't know if it's me or what, but I don't think this is going past a second date. I think everyone deserves at least two dates. The first date can be nerve wracking and some people can pysch themselves out to a point that they don't give an accurate version of themselves. Second dates are usually a little bit easier and will tell you if your first impressions were correct or not.
My first impressions: the guy was very nice, very open, and we talked about super heroes and childhood cartoon shows. However, I did not want to hold his hand or make out with him. I learned that he still lives with his parents, though it makes sense that he would. (He's just out of law school and building his practice, paying back student loans, etc.) But I get the feeling that he hasn't really been on his own, there's a certain confidence that's lacking, and I don't need a project. Part of me wonders if I should ignore my impulse to keep my distance and see if something could develop as I got to know him more. In terms of dating, I don't know that my instincts have served me well to date and I'm curious to see what would happen if I went against them. But I have also learned that I am far more intuitive about relationships than I realize and if I had listened to my instincts from the start I could have saved myself some trouble. (i.e. my wondering if my ex was still happy dating me back in January was my subconscious picking up on his changed behavior after he met his, now, current girlfriend.)
I think that's the worst part about a break-up like the one I've just had. It skews your perception of everything and makes you doubt yourself in ways that are detrimental to your well-being. Because everything I thought I knew, everything that I was certain of, changed as if overnight. There wasn't a slow decline in the relationship, nothing noticeable or concerning, it was seemingly healthy. The first one I'd had in a long time and I was completely blindsided. Like being knocked under by an incoming wave at the beach, I am struggling to find my footing and get my bearings so I can make it safely to shore. And this new guy, I don't even know if he had a chance to begin with.
My first impressions: the guy was very nice, very open, and we talked about super heroes and childhood cartoon shows. However, I did not want to hold his hand or make out with him. I learned that he still lives with his parents, though it makes sense that he would. (He's just out of law school and building his practice, paying back student loans, etc.) But I get the feeling that he hasn't really been on his own, there's a certain confidence that's lacking, and I don't need a project. Part of me wonders if I should ignore my impulse to keep my distance and see if something could develop as I got to know him more. In terms of dating, I don't know that my instincts have served me well to date and I'm curious to see what would happen if I went against them. But I have also learned that I am far more intuitive about relationships than I realize and if I had listened to my instincts from the start I could have saved myself some trouble. (i.e. my wondering if my ex was still happy dating me back in January was my subconscious picking up on his changed behavior after he met his, now, current girlfriend.)
I think that's the worst part about a break-up like the one I've just had. It skews your perception of everything and makes you doubt yourself in ways that are detrimental to your well-being. Because everything I thought I knew, everything that I was certain of, changed as if overnight. There wasn't a slow decline in the relationship, nothing noticeable or concerning, it was seemingly healthy. The first one I'd had in a long time and I was completely blindsided. Like being knocked under by an incoming wave at the beach, I am struggling to find my footing and get my bearings so I can make it safely to shore. And this new guy, I don't even know if he had a chance to begin with.
Friday, April 15, 2011
What's in a Name?
Have you ever given any thought to your name? I know why my parents chose the name they bestowed upon me and I spent a lot of time in my childhood thinking over its meaning and wondering if it really fit. Of course, I would have to say that I can't imagine being named anything other than what I am. People never tell me that I look more like a Margaret or Alexandra.
According to Wikipedia, my name comes from the Greek word, "katharos." Which, according to a quick search on the Internet that brought up this biblical site, means "pure" or "clean." For most of my childhood, I knew that my name meant, "pure," and I wondered if I really was. At the time, I was steeped in religion and worried that I wasn't worthy of heaven. Purity, as I knew it then, applied to the mind, body and soul with few exceptions. No tattoos, earrings, alcohol, etc. I sort of came to a point where I realized that I could never adhere to all of those things and thought my name wasn't really fitting.
As an adult, I've realize that I have lived up to my name, though not exactly in the way I expected to. The counselor I've started seeing, just as a mental check-up if you will, has talked in our last two sessions about how the things I do come from a "pure place" and that I expect everyone elses' intentions and actions to be as honest as my own. It was this comment that made me think about my name and it's meaning. I don't hide things from people, if something is on my mind I will usually say it. (Some relationship confessions of feeling notwithstanding.) I'm always upfront with people about where I'm coming from and what I expect. If I were to develop feelings for someone else, no matter how difficult it would be, I would make sure to end my current relationship before even exploring the new option.
When I spoke with my ex's new girlfriend, that Saturday where all was revealed, she said that maybe there just weren't any decent guys left in the dating pool and I couldn't agree with her at all. I know of at least one personally and my sister has at least another one I know of in her cache of best friends. So there are at least two out there that would be worth the time, effort, loyalty, and devotion of a decent girl. It made me feel sorry for her that she didn't think she deserved better, you know? It was like she had given up on finding a good man because there "aren't any decent guys left in the dating pool." There are, I wanted to say, you just have to cast your nets wider and be willing to throw back the bad ones.
There are things that have happened in my family that I just can't understand why or how they were ever okay. True, people make mistakes, but I don't know that I would ever let myself get caught up in those situations. I have certain expectations for how people should behave and treat others. Maybe they are idealistic and there aren't that many people out there who hold themselves to the same standard, but I have to believe there are. There are people who believe in doing what is right, not just what is right for them.
According to Wikipedia, my name comes from the Greek word, "katharos." Which, according to a quick search on the Internet that brought up this biblical site, means "pure" or "clean." For most of my childhood, I knew that my name meant, "pure," and I wondered if I really was. At the time, I was steeped in religion and worried that I wasn't worthy of heaven. Purity, as I knew it then, applied to the mind, body and soul with few exceptions. No tattoos, earrings, alcohol, etc. I sort of came to a point where I realized that I could never adhere to all of those things and thought my name wasn't really fitting.
As an adult, I've realize that I have lived up to my name, though not exactly in the way I expected to. The counselor I've started seeing, just as a mental check-up if you will, has talked in our last two sessions about how the things I do come from a "pure place" and that I expect everyone elses' intentions and actions to be as honest as my own. It was this comment that made me think about my name and it's meaning. I don't hide things from people, if something is on my mind I will usually say it. (Some relationship confessions of feeling notwithstanding.) I'm always upfront with people about where I'm coming from and what I expect. If I were to develop feelings for someone else, no matter how difficult it would be, I would make sure to end my current relationship before even exploring the new option.
When I spoke with my ex's new girlfriend, that Saturday where all was revealed, she said that maybe there just weren't any decent guys left in the dating pool and I couldn't agree with her at all. I know of at least one personally and my sister has at least another one I know of in her cache of best friends. So there are at least two out there that would be worth the time, effort, loyalty, and devotion of a decent girl. It made me feel sorry for her that she didn't think she deserved better, you know? It was like she had given up on finding a good man because there "aren't any decent guys left in the dating pool." There are, I wanted to say, you just have to cast your nets wider and be willing to throw back the bad ones.
There are things that have happened in my family that I just can't understand why or how they were ever okay. True, people make mistakes, but I don't know that I would ever let myself get caught up in those situations. I have certain expectations for how people should behave and treat others. Maybe they are idealistic and there aren't that many people out there who hold themselves to the same standard, but I have to believe there are. There are people who believe in doing what is right, not just what is right for them.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
A Slutty Phase?
In discussions this weekend, someone told me that everyone is allowed to go through a slutty phase. This conversation came up because I related that I was considering a benefits only agreement with someone I had just met. It's not really the kind of thing I do, or typically would enjoy, but I am simply not in a place right now where I want to legitimately date people. True, I have dusted off my online dating profile (though I didn't update the pictures, yet), but I am really just not in the right frame of mind to be open to meeting someone new right now. No one is going to be the person I want them to be, not even the person I want them to be, and it's really not fair to those who are genuinely open to a relationship right now. Though, that is probably the person I should meet and, in a romantic comedy movie, they would restore my confidence in people. But, in reality, I would not be open and I don't want to hurt someone the way that I've been hurt.
I also don't want to continue feeling sorry for myself. I have lost a lot of weight and I look damn good. There is no reason, except for my broken heart, why I should feel sorry for myself and I should take advantage of this new body I've uncovered; stretch my legs and test some boundaries. But I should also be careful and not put myself in dangerous situations. So this arrangement will work for me for now. It's someone I can't hurt and hopefully they can't hurt me, but certain needs will be satiated and I won't think so much about what was. It will still be there but this may be the crutch to help me get past it until I can fully heal. But I've given myself the summer for this so-called "slutty phase." Anything longer than that will be excessive and dangerous to my emotional well-being.
I also don't want to continue feeling sorry for myself. I have lost a lot of weight and I look damn good. There is no reason, except for my broken heart, why I should feel sorry for myself and I should take advantage of this new body I've uncovered; stretch my legs and test some boundaries. But I should also be careful and not put myself in dangerous situations. So this arrangement will work for me for now. It's someone I can't hurt and hopefully they can't hurt me, but certain needs will be satiated and I won't think so much about what was. It will still be there but this may be the crutch to help me get past it until I can fully heal. But I've given myself the summer for this so-called "slutty phase." Anything longer than that will be excessive and dangerous to my emotional well-being.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Selfishness?
It's very easy to get wrapped up in the tragedy of own lives and forget the struggles and pains of others. Mine has been so loud in my ears that it has drowned out the words and kindnesses of others. It's made me feel alone in a crowd. I feel like there is no one to see me, the real me, the me inside. Like I am on the peripheral of people's lives after having been in the center ring of someone's, even if for a short period of time; a side character in someone else's sitcom. This feeling has not yet gone away, nor has it really diminished, but I have been reminded that there are worse things in this world.
I spent my day off on Saturday in DC with a dear friend, her husband and an old school friend of hers. I wasn't really myself, but I was there and that was important for me. She and her friend hadn't seen each other in 11 years and spent a good deal of time catching up. Mostly talking about their chronic illnesses. This is something I will readily admit, I have a hard time listening to in general. My mother had some serious emotional health issues a few years ago and leaned rather heavily upon me. So much so that I have to check myself whenever someone mentions Fibromyalgia or other unexplained chronic pain problems. I know that these are legitimate problems for other people, but my knee-jerk reaction always takes me to that place where I dealt with my mother. These are my issues, not theirs and I always try to keep an open mind about it. My friend talked about her own depression, related to her health problems, and the feeling of helplessness she had and I felt like a total asshole. She talked about having a tough time and not wanting to do things with people and how people just stopped calling her to hang out. I was one of those people. I'd tried to get a children's group started with her around that time in her life and had only been frustrated by her inability to make plans and attend events the way I was. I just didn't understand and, dealing with my mom's issues at the same time, I didn't really try.
As it turns out, my friend's friend had major health problems last summer (of the Ulcerative Colitis variety) and actually had her colon removed late last year. I connected with her on Facebook today, and Ravelry since she is a crafter by trade. In doing so, I discovered her website and blog. I read through a couple of her entries and was just overwhelmed by this feeling of selfishness. She talks openly and honestly about her health problems and what she experienced. I've spent the last few weeks torn up by this simple thing of a broken heart and I haven't had to experience any of the frightening things she talks about in her entries. Yes, I had the gall bladder problem last summer, but that's about the scariest thing I've had to deal with in a very long time.
Today, my boss asked me how I was doing. I said, "fine." I didn't really want to get into things at work. One never wants to over share, you know. But then she asked me if I'd heard from him and of course that set me off. I had to tell her about my discoveries last weekend and the message I'd received this weekend. She was very sympathetic and supportive. Told me she felt I was dealing with it very well all things considered and that I had to look at the big picture. She reminded me that it was okay to be angry and sad and feel the way I did and I shouldn't feel bad about it. But I know that her husband is still in the hospital after a couple of weeks. He has a major infection in his body that they can't determine the cause of the cure right now. It has to be incredibly frightening for her and her family. Yet she sat and listened to me; told me the story about how she met her husband and assured me that there would be something similar in my future.
My own dear friend, M, is going through his own heartbreak. His was much more serious, much longer in time and much deeper in mutual attachment. Though he's had a few months to work through it. But he will sit and listen to me complain about everything. He's a much better friend to me than I've been to him lately.
I am sad, I am angry, I am confused. I feel alone, I feel unlovable, I feel diminished. All of these things are valid emotions, but I can't let them be like a train in the background of my interactions with people. I need to remember that we all have our struggles and if all I have to worry about is my broken heart, I should count myself lucky. I have my health, I have a good job, I am going to Ireland, I have family and friends that care about me even when they don't see me. I've worked very hard on improving my life and I am starting to see that work pay off, I just need to realize that this break-up is not the worst thing that will happen to me and I can't let it overshadow all of the good things I do have nor let it break down those positive habits I've set in place.
I spent my day off on Saturday in DC with a dear friend, her husband and an old school friend of hers. I wasn't really myself, but I was there and that was important for me. She and her friend hadn't seen each other in 11 years and spent a good deal of time catching up. Mostly talking about their chronic illnesses. This is something I will readily admit, I have a hard time listening to in general. My mother had some serious emotional health issues a few years ago and leaned rather heavily upon me. So much so that I have to check myself whenever someone mentions Fibromyalgia or other unexplained chronic pain problems. I know that these are legitimate problems for other people, but my knee-jerk reaction always takes me to that place where I dealt with my mother. These are my issues, not theirs and I always try to keep an open mind about it. My friend talked about her own depression, related to her health problems, and the feeling of helplessness she had and I felt like a total asshole. She talked about having a tough time and not wanting to do things with people and how people just stopped calling her to hang out. I was one of those people. I'd tried to get a children's group started with her around that time in her life and had only been frustrated by her inability to make plans and attend events the way I was. I just didn't understand and, dealing with my mom's issues at the same time, I didn't really try.
As it turns out, my friend's friend had major health problems last summer (of the Ulcerative Colitis variety) and actually had her colon removed late last year. I connected with her on Facebook today, and Ravelry since she is a crafter by trade. In doing so, I discovered her website and blog. I read through a couple of her entries and was just overwhelmed by this feeling of selfishness. She talks openly and honestly about her health problems and what she experienced. I've spent the last few weeks torn up by this simple thing of a broken heart and I haven't had to experience any of the frightening things she talks about in her entries. Yes, I had the gall bladder problem last summer, but that's about the scariest thing I've had to deal with in a very long time.
Today, my boss asked me how I was doing. I said, "fine." I didn't really want to get into things at work. One never wants to over share, you know. But then she asked me if I'd heard from him and of course that set me off. I had to tell her about my discoveries last weekend and the message I'd received this weekend. She was very sympathetic and supportive. Told me she felt I was dealing with it very well all things considered and that I had to look at the big picture. She reminded me that it was okay to be angry and sad and feel the way I did and I shouldn't feel bad about it. But I know that her husband is still in the hospital after a couple of weeks. He has a major infection in his body that they can't determine the cause of the cure right now. It has to be incredibly frightening for her and her family. Yet she sat and listened to me; told me the story about how she met her husband and assured me that there would be something similar in my future.
My own dear friend, M, is going through his own heartbreak. His was much more serious, much longer in time and much deeper in mutual attachment. Though he's had a few months to work through it. But he will sit and listen to me complain about everything. He's a much better friend to me than I've been to him lately.
I am sad, I am angry, I am confused. I feel alone, I feel unlovable, I feel diminished. All of these things are valid emotions, but I can't let them be like a train in the background of my interactions with people. I need to remember that we all have our struggles and if all I have to worry about is my broken heart, I should count myself lucky. I have my health, I have a good job, I am going to Ireland, I have family and friends that care about me even when they don't see me. I've worked very hard on improving my life and I am starting to see that work pay off, I just need to realize that this break-up is not the worst thing that will happen to me and I can't let it overshadow all of the good things I do have nor let it break down those positive habits I've set in place.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Time Alone
I realize that I am my own worst enemy right now. When I am at work, or doing something that involved thought, I am fine. I am distracted and focused on anything else but what is actually bothering me. But the minute I have two or three minutes to let my mind wonder, that's when I get into trouble. I can't help but replay things over and over in my head or think about how my ex cheated on me. I keep seeing him having sex with this other person and it kills me every time.
I gave my forgiveness, and I truly do forgive, but the getting over is going to be more difficult. Because I still can't reconcile the fact the the person I knew and loved could do this to another human being, let alone me. I know that he wasn't in love with me, I know this, so it wasn't as large of a betrayal as it could have been. But it still was a betrayal of my trust and my feelings and that is the hardest part. I can't think of the good times without the bad ending. I can't villainize and hate him, because of everything that came before. It doesn't make this situation right and his decisions were completely wrong.
Perhaps the hardest thing is that, even if it were someone I wasn't in love with, I could never do this to another person and I can't completely wrap my head about his actions. I can understand why things happened the way they did and even forgive the person I knew before all of this, but I couldn't lie directly to anyone I cared about. I couldn't juggle two people that cared about me simply because I was too afraid to make a decision. The one time I dated two people, both knew it wasn't exclusive or really serious. Every month the main guy I was seeing and I would sit down and talk about whether we wanted to move to exclusivity or if this was working for us. Since we weren't exactly romantically attached to each other, we always decided to keep it an open dating relationship just not to discuss what we did with other people. But I still felt bad about seeing other people. I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong or hurting anyone, but I knew it wasn't right for me. We were honest and open with each other, but I still felt like I was lying and I hated myself for it. It's something I will never agree to again.
If I didn't know this feeling was temporary and that I was strong enough to get over this as I have so many other things, it might be easier to feel this miserable. I could feel like the world was over and I would never be happy again. Wallow in my sorrows until little bit, by little bit it receded into the ocean of memory. But knowing I will survive this and go on to better things only makes the ache in my chest frustrating. The flooding of memories and feelings of self doubt that rush at me when I have those two or three minutes to wonder around my brain are tortuous. Because I know it will get better and I wish I were already over this part.
I gave my forgiveness, and I truly do forgive, but the getting over is going to be more difficult. Because I still can't reconcile the fact the the person I knew and loved could do this to another human being, let alone me. I know that he wasn't in love with me, I know this, so it wasn't as large of a betrayal as it could have been. But it still was a betrayal of my trust and my feelings and that is the hardest part. I can't think of the good times without the bad ending. I can't villainize and hate him, because of everything that came before. It doesn't make this situation right and his decisions were completely wrong.
Perhaps the hardest thing is that, even if it were someone I wasn't in love with, I could never do this to another person and I can't completely wrap my head about his actions. I can understand why things happened the way they did and even forgive the person I knew before all of this, but I couldn't lie directly to anyone I cared about. I couldn't juggle two people that cared about me simply because I was too afraid to make a decision. The one time I dated two people, both knew it wasn't exclusive or really serious. Every month the main guy I was seeing and I would sit down and talk about whether we wanted to move to exclusivity or if this was working for us. Since we weren't exactly romantically attached to each other, we always decided to keep it an open dating relationship just not to discuss what we did with other people. But I still felt bad about seeing other people. I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong or hurting anyone, but I knew it wasn't right for me. We were honest and open with each other, but I still felt like I was lying and I hated myself for it. It's something I will never agree to again.
If I didn't know this feeling was temporary and that I was strong enough to get over this as I have so many other things, it might be easier to feel this miserable. I could feel like the world was over and I would never be happy again. Wallow in my sorrows until little bit, by little bit it receded into the ocean of memory. But knowing I will survive this and go on to better things only makes the ache in my chest frustrating. The flooding of memories and feelings of self doubt that rush at me when I have those two or three minutes to wonder around my brain are tortuous. Because I know it will get better and I wish I were already over this part.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Ten Years Ago
Reading through my journal from ten years ago. It's not exactly ten years to the month, but the very first entry in the book I picked up today is discussing whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Then there are later entries about how he told me he loved me and how great it was to feel the same way at the same time. This is all not cool. I am writing most of the same things in my journal ten years later. And I find it very disturbing that I am in a very similar place that I was last year. Though the cause of my pain is not nearly as much of an asshole. Well, okay, his actions were very assholish...but as a person he's not as bad as either of the two I've previously written about. Though the end result is the same....
Other things in my journal from 2001:
1) Encounters with Jim that I had completely blocked out of my mind. Reading through them again, I completely understand why my subconscious tucked them away.
2) I wrote about worrying if I would ever have a chance at a healthy relationship given the examples around me.
3) Also, about possibly having major things wrong with me mentally that I wouldn't even know were wrong. Because of the people around me.
Other things in my journal from 2001:
1) Encounters with Jim that I had completely blocked out of my mind. Reading through them again, I completely understand why my subconscious tucked them away.
2) I wrote about worrying if I would ever have a chance at a healthy relationship given the examples around me.
3) Also, about possibly having major things wrong with me mentally that I wouldn't even know were wrong. Because of the people around me.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sex, Lies, and Relationships
I've just come out of a very rough weekend. I am emotionally and physically drained at the start of my work week. I can't even think about going back and writing entries to make it look like I posted every day for the year.
On Friday, I saw my ex in my shopping center while I was going to work at my second job. In all the possible moment combinations of him walking to the Target and me driving by to get to my end of the complex, it had to happen at the moment. It was like a cruel cosmic joke and I honestly couldn't get in the right frame of mind for work until at least 20 minutes after I'd been there. Then I received an e-mail from his new girlfriend at around 1:00 am that night.
Turns out she didn't know he'd dated me at all and had only recently discovered he was lying about it when she saw my comment of "wow, just wow," get deleted from their status update on Facebook. I found out many things this weekend and some of them were helpful. Some of them I can't get out of my mind and they make me sick to my stomach. I have truly given forgiveness to my ex, I understand why he did what he did even though it was the wrong thing to do. He went on three dates with her before my Birthday, in February, and realized he wanted to be with her but didn't want to repeat what had happened to me last year and decided to wait til after my birthday to break-up with me. That I can respect and even appreciate.
It's the knowledge that for two weeks after my birthday the days he had sex with her were sandwiched between days he had sex with me. I should have known something was up because after my birthday he would say he was busy on this day but then schedule with me for the next day. I took him at his word that he was just busy with packing and had a lot to worry about with the move. But he was moving her into the main stage and me out. That I cannot seem to shake at all. It keeps rolling around in my mind and tormenting me in my quiet moments. I told him that the next time he thought about any behavior like this he should consider his 13 year old female cousin, to whom he is very close, and how he would feel is a boyfriend treated her the way he treated me. And he told me I could not have picked a more perfect example.
I know that he is truly sorry and that everything before he met this new girl was honest and true. I also know that his recent actions came out of cowardice more than lechery. He's not over his ex in Texas, which was something I was always concerned about, and he won't truly be able to connect with someone else until he gets over that.
As for me, well, it sucks knowing that my evenings won't have random phone calls from a lover who just wants to be with me. That I have to think of ways to distract myself from remembering the good times with him and lamenting how it all ended. At least I am over the something is wrong with me phase and into the I'm going to die alone phase of the break-up. But I know that even if he had decided to stay with me, this level of deception would have destroyed any chance we would have had together. I know I would not have been able to get over the betrayal of trust no matter how much I wanted to, I would always wonder if he was thinking of her while we were together. I wonder that even now, with that two weeks of overlap, was he thinking of her when we were together and vice versa. I just wish I didn't have to go through this at all and that I could get back to normal and be open for someone that does deserve to be with me. I just wish I could go to sleep at night without thinking of the way it felt to be in the same bed with him and talk til we fell asleep, holding hands.
On Friday, I saw my ex in my shopping center while I was going to work at my second job. In all the possible moment combinations of him walking to the Target and me driving by to get to my end of the complex, it had to happen at the moment. It was like a cruel cosmic joke and I honestly couldn't get in the right frame of mind for work until at least 20 minutes after I'd been there. Then I received an e-mail from his new girlfriend at around 1:00 am that night.
Turns out she didn't know he'd dated me at all and had only recently discovered he was lying about it when she saw my comment of "wow, just wow," get deleted from their status update on Facebook. I found out many things this weekend and some of them were helpful. Some of them I can't get out of my mind and they make me sick to my stomach. I have truly given forgiveness to my ex, I understand why he did what he did even though it was the wrong thing to do. He went on three dates with her before my Birthday, in February, and realized he wanted to be with her but didn't want to repeat what had happened to me last year and decided to wait til after my birthday to break-up with me. That I can respect and even appreciate.
It's the knowledge that for two weeks after my birthday the days he had sex with her were sandwiched between days he had sex with me. I should have known something was up because after my birthday he would say he was busy on this day but then schedule with me for the next day. I took him at his word that he was just busy with packing and had a lot to worry about with the move. But he was moving her into the main stage and me out. That I cannot seem to shake at all. It keeps rolling around in my mind and tormenting me in my quiet moments. I told him that the next time he thought about any behavior like this he should consider his 13 year old female cousin, to whom he is very close, and how he would feel is a boyfriend treated her the way he treated me. And he told me I could not have picked a more perfect example.
I know that he is truly sorry and that everything before he met this new girl was honest and true. I also know that his recent actions came out of cowardice more than lechery. He's not over his ex in Texas, which was something I was always concerned about, and he won't truly be able to connect with someone else until he gets over that.
As for me, well, it sucks knowing that my evenings won't have random phone calls from a lover who just wants to be with me. That I have to think of ways to distract myself from remembering the good times with him and lamenting how it all ended. At least I am over the something is wrong with me phase and into the I'm going to die alone phase of the break-up. But I know that even if he had decided to stay with me, this level of deception would have destroyed any chance we would have had together. I know I would not have been able to get over the betrayal of trust no matter how much I wanted to, I would always wonder if he was thinking of her while we were together. I wonder that even now, with that two weeks of overlap, was he thinking of her when we were together and vice versa. I just wish I didn't have to go through this at all and that I could get back to normal and be open for someone that does deserve to be with me. I just wish I could go to sleep at night without thinking of the way it felt to be in the same bed with him and talk til we fell asleep, holding hands.
Friday, March 25, 2011
A Place Holder
because I could not bring myself to write and did not want to quit my daily entries for this bullshit.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
When it rains, it pours
Turkish Word of the Day yesterday was "drama."
I was suckerpunched yesterday morning. Boyfriend and I broke up a week ago, as you may remember, and I was down about it but I was hopeful that things would work out somehow. I wasn't counting on it, but the way we ended it seemed like it could be temporary. First thing yesterday morning, I see that he is Facebook Official with a girl he met a few months ago at a trivia thing with his work friends.
It's been a week since we broke up and he told me that he didn't think he would ever meet someone he'd marry. I asked him point blank if it was because of someone else and he lied to my face. Apparently, they've been friends for a month and he would have been perfectly fine with me had he never met her. But their three meetings, in group settings supposedly, was enough for him to be completely distracted and become no longer interested romantically in me. The very same night that he broke up with me, he called her to talk about it. He confessed it was because he had feelings for her and she confessed the same and what can you really do at that point? She's already met his mom and gotten the Facebook official status. He wouldn't meet my parents just yet, said he just wasn't ready, and wouldn't accept my Facebook request because he didn't like people knowing his business and preferred to keep his personal life private. I asked if he was in love with her, he said "I'm not sure, probably." Which is really more than I was able to achieve in the 9 months we were together.
I just don't understand how one can fall in love in less than two weeks. I mean, you can't even know a person in two weeks let alone know if you love them. I understand the chemical reactions and hormones make it seem that way, but this is just ridiculous. But the one thing that is glaring me in the face is that if he was able to feel comfortable doing these things with her in just two weeks, he was never going to get there with me. If he was going to be it would have happened by now.
The problem now is that he can't understand why I can't be friends with him. If all of this had happened months from now. It would have hurt a lot less and felt a lot less personal. But really, he chose her over me and how can I not be hurt by that. He didn't even have the courtesy to call me or text me before to warn me. Just allowed it to show up in my friend feed and kick the legs out from under me. Friends don't do that. That and the thought of him being happy with someone else, loving someone else, just makes me physically ill.
Now, I don't know what to do. It was one thing when he simply cared about me, but didn't know what he wanted. Now, I've been jilted again and it will take some time.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
They Can't Take That Away From Me
The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me
The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me
We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me
The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me
We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
'Tis not so bitter cold but I am still sick at heart
At some point, I need to realize what I know when I know it. I am far more perceptive than I give myself credit for and questions or doubts in my mind are not always unfounded. I know things before I want to know them.
Boyfriend and I broke up last night. He's in a terrible place, emotionally, and didn't feel that he would fall in love with me. Though he made sure to tell me that I was his best friend and one of the most important people in his life right now. That he could go on dating me and didn't really want to break up, but he didn't think it was fair to me. It's not the worst break-up I've ever had, but it's the most disappointing. There are so many things that we'll never get to now. There's beer I helped make that I'll never get to see how it turned out. The thing is, I would have gone on as it was, I didn't want to break up either. I was happy there, but you can't make someone feel something they don't. And, as great as we were together, staying would only make one or both of us resentful in the end.
I don't even know what to feel right now. My heart is empty and my head is full. There are a lot of maybes that are going to drive me crazy; a lot of what if's that will bug me for a long time, but for now there is work. There is continuing with Weight Watchers and working on things in my individual life to keep me distracted. But I am heartsick and there's no one to sing "soft kitty" to me, even though heartsick is a type of sickness.
Boyfriend and I broke up last night. He's in a terrible place, emotionally, and didn't feel that he would fall in love with me. Though he made sure to tell me that I was his best friend and one of the most important people in his life right now. That he could go on dating me and didn't really want to break up, but he didn't think it was fair to me. It's not the worst break-up I've ever had, but it's the most disappointing. There are so many things that we'll never get to now. There's beer I helped make that I'll never get to see how it turned out. The thing is, I would have gone on as it was, I didn't want to break up either. I was happy there, but you can't make someone feel something they don't. And, as great as we were together, staying would only make one or both of us resentful in the end.
I don't even know what to feel right now. My heart is empty and my head is full. There are a lot of maybes that are going to drive me crazy; a lot of what if's that will bug me for a long time, but for now there is work. There is continuing with Weight Watchers and working on things in my individual life to keep me distracted. But I am heartsick and there's no one to sing "soft kitty" to me, even though heartsick is a type of sickness.
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