At some point, I need to realize what I know when I know it. I am far more perceptive than I give myself credit for and questions or doubts in my mind are not always unfounded. I know things before I want to know them.
Boyfriend and I broke up last night. He's in a terrible place, emotionally, and didn't feel that he would fall in love with me. Though he made sure to tell me that I was his best friend and one of the most important people in his life right now. That he could go on dating me and didn't really want to break up, but he didn't think it was fair to me. It's not the worst break-up I've ever had, but it's the most disappointing. There are so many things that we'll never get to now. There's beer I helped make that I'll never get to see how it turned out. The thing is, I would have gone on as it was, I didn't want to break up either. I was happy there, but you can't make someone feel something they don't. And, as great as we were together, staying would only make one or both of us resentful in the end.
I don't even know what to feel right now. My heart is empty and my head is full. There are a lot of maybes that are going to drive me crazy; a lot of what if's that will bug me for a long time, but for now there is work. There is continuing with Weight Watchers and working on things in my individual life to keep me distracted. But I am heartsick and there's no one to sing "soft kitty" to me, even though heartsick is a type of sickness.
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