Sex, Lies, and Relationships

I've just come out of a very rough weekend.  I am emotionally and physically drained at the start of my work week.  I can't even think about going back and writing entries to make it look like I posted every day for the year. 

On Friday, I saw my ex in my shopping center while I was going to work at my second job.  In all the possible moment combinations of him walking to the Target and me driving by to get to my end of the complex, it had to happen at the moment.  It was like a cruel cosmic joke and I honestly couldn't get in the right frame of mind for work until at least 20 minutes after I'd been there.  Then I received an e-mail from his new girlfriend at around 1:00 am that night.

Turns out she didn't know he'd dated me at all and had only recently discovered he was lying about it when she saw my comment of "wow, just wow," get deleted from their status update on Facebook.  I found out many things this weekend and some of them were helpful.  Some of them I can't get out of my mind and they make me sick to my stomach.  I have truly given forgiveness to my ex, I understand why he did what he did even though it was the wrong thing to do.  He went on three dates with her before my Birthday, in February, and realized he wanted to be with her but didn't want to repeat what had happened to me last year and decided to wait til after my birthday to break-up with me.  That I can respect and even appreciate. 

It's the knowledge that for two weeks after my birthday the days he had sex with her were sandwiched between days he had sex with me.  I should have known something was up because after my birthday he would say he was busy on this day but then schedule with me for the next day.  I took him at his word that he was just busy with packing and had a lot to worry about with the move.  But he was moving her into the main stage and me out.  That I cannot seem to shake at all.  It keeps rolling around in my mind and tormenting me in my quiet moments.  I told him that the next time he thought about any behavior like this he should consider his 13 year old female cousin, to whom he is very close, and how he would feel is a boyfriend treated her the way he treated me.  And he told me I could not have picked a more perfect example.

I know that he is truly sorry and that everything before he met this new girl was honest and true.  I also know that his recent actions came out of cowardice more than lechery.  He's not over his ex in Texas, which was something I was always concerned about, and he won't truly be able to connect with someone else until he gets over that.

As for me, well, it sucks knowing that my evenings won't have random phone calls from a lover who just wants to be with me.  That I have to think of ways to distract myself from remembering the good times with him and lamenting how it all ended.  At least I am over the something is wrong with me phase and into the I'm going to die alone phase of the break-up.  But I know that even if he had decided to stay with me, this level of deception would have destroyed any chance we would have had together.  I know I would not have been able to get over the betrayal of trust no matter how much I wanted to, I would always wonder if he was thinking of her while we were together.  I wonder that even now, with that two weeks of overlap, was he thinking of her when we were together and vice versa.  I just wish I didn't have to go through this at all and that I could get back to normal and be open for someone that does deserve to be with me.  I just wish I could go to sleep at night without thinking of the way it felt to be in the same bed with him and talk til we fell asleep, holding hands.