Nightmare - THE most frightening

Last night, I had the most frightening nightmare I've had in a long time.  Basically, it's the end of the world.  People are dead or dying and the only solution is to take a cyanide pill.  Because whatever is going to happen is far worse than death, etc.  I was with my family (my dad, my step-dad, my mom, my sister, my aunt, and my cousins) and they were all deciding whether to commit suicide or not.  In the dream, I asked my family what would come after and no one knew.  I felt that I absolutely could not go through with it, but one by one they all made the decision to die.  When my sister decided to take the pill it was more than I could stand.  I pulled her into a hug and told her that I wouldn't live in a world where she wasn't.  That I couldn't get on without her and then I swallowed the pill myself.  I watched everyone slowly close their eyes and go to sleep.  I tried to wake them and couldn't.  I felt my own eyes growing heavy and only darkness was there when I let them close, so I fought it.  The decision had already been made and there was nothing I could do to change it, but I was so afraid of what would happen after.  Danielle was the last to close her eyes and I was left alone, waiting for whatever would happen.  When I finally closed my eyes there was only darkness; I could feel myself slipping away to nothing and I was terrified.  I woke up to reality as soon as my dream self let go of its life.

My heart was beating so fast, I thought I might have a heart attack right there.  It was 2:30 in the morning and that fear had settled in my chest.  I was terrified to go back to sleep which, of course, seems foolish now, but I couldn't bear to close my eyes to the darkness even if it was only temporary sleep.  It's eight hours later, I can still recall every detail of that dream and I can't stop thinking about it.  The thought that there could be nothing after this life frightens me more than anything (even the traditional thought of eternal damnation, or Hell) and yet it is a distinct possibility.  My boyfriend tried to be very helpful this morning when I recounted the dream to him.  He told me about an experiment wherein someone who was very close to death entered a sealed chamber.  The person's weight was constantly measured before death, the moment of death, and immediately after death.  Apparently, there was a definite loss in weight at the moment of death.  I suggested that this was due to gases escaping the body, etc and my boyfriend said that it wouldn't matter because the entire chamber was sealed and weighed so that wouldn't change it.  I'm not sure how true this is, but it was mildly comforting.

I'm not sure where this came from exactly.  I think it was definitely influenced by my mother's talk of End Times this past week and also a little bit of seeing Les Misérables the other night.   Still, it's pretty depressing and I can't seem to shake the feeling.

According to Dreammoods.com :

Armageddon
To dream about Armageddon, suggests that you are feeling hopeless and out of control. The dream may be triggered from the deep emotional stress that you are experiencing in your waking life.

Okay, I don't think I have deep emotional stress.  My life is actually much better than it's been in a long time.  Though yesterday was a little stressful because of end of month deadlines at work, but no more than usual.

Suicide
To dream that you commit suicide, represents your desperate desire to escape from your waking life. You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life.�

To see someone commit suicide in you dream, highlights your concerns for that person. Consider what characteristics and qualities in that person you may be trying to "kill" and annihilate in your own self. Perhaps you hope that you are not like this person and are making attempts to get rid of those traits within your own self.�

I can see how this can apply to me right now.  I have been working very hard this year and creating a better version of me. 

Death
To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore. In particular, to dream about the death of your parents, indicates that you are undergoing a significant change in your waking life. Your relationship with your parents has evolved into a new realm.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To dream that you are faking your own death, suggests that you are looking for a new start. You need some change in your life.

This makes sense, too.  I am 30 years old now.  Clearly my parents don't play the same role in my life and I feel like I am undergoing significant change in my waking life.  I've written about it often enough over the last two months.