Eponine is Mocking Me

I wrote the other night that I didn't identify with Eponine as I once did.  Today I can't help but hear her echo in my head. 

Nightmare - THE most frightening

Last night, I had the most frightening nightmare I've had in a long time.  Basically, it's the end of the world.  People are dead or dying and the only solution is to take a cyanide pill.  Because whatever is going to happen is far worse than death, etc.  I was with my family (my dad, my step-dad, my mom, my sister, my aunt, and my cousins) and they were all deciding whether to commit suicide or not.  In the dream, I asked my family what would come after and no one knew.  I felt that I absolutely could not go through with it, but one by one they all made the decision to die.  When my sister decided to take the pill it was more than I could stand.  I pulled her into a hug and told her that I wouldn't live in a world where she wasn't.  That I couldn't get on without her and then I swallowed the pill myself.  I watched everyone slowly close their eyes and go to sleep.  I tried to wake them and couldn't.  I felt my own eyes growing heavy and only darkness was there when I let them close, so I fought it.  The decision had already been made and there was nothing I could do to change it, but I was so afraid of what would happen after.  Danielle was the last to close her eyes and I was left alone, waiting for whatever would happen.  When I finally closed my eyes there was only darkness; I could feel myself slipping away to nothing and I was terrified.  I woke up to reality as soon as my dream self let go of its life.

My heart was beating so fast, I thought I might have a heart attack right there.  It was 2:30 in the morning and that fear had settled in my chest.  I was terrified to go back to sleep which, of course, seems foolish now, but I couldn't bear to close my eyes to the darkness even if it was only temporary sleep.  It's eight hours later, I can still recall every detail of that dream and I can't stop thinking about it.  The thought that there could be nothing after this life frightens me more than anything (even the traditional thought of eternal damnation, or Hell) and yet it is a distinct possibility.  My boyfriend tried to be very helpful this morning when I recounted the dream to him.  He told me about an experiment wherein someone who was very close to death entered a sealed chamber.  The person's weight was constantly measured before death, the moment of death, and immediately after death.  Apparently, there was a definite loss in weight at the moment of death.  I suggested that this was due to gases escaping the body, etc and my boyfriend said that it wouldn't matter because the entire chamber was sealed and weighed so that wouldn't change it.  I'm not sure how true this is, but it was mildly comforting.

I'm not sure where this came from exactly.  I think it was definitely influenced by my mother's talk of End Times this past week and also a little bit of seeing Les Misérables the other night.   Still, it's pretty depressing and I can't seem to shake the feeling.

According to Dreammoods.com :

Armageddon
To dream about Armageddon, suggests that you are feeling hopeless and out of control. The dream may be triggered from the deep emotional stress that you are experiencing in your waking life.

Okay, I don't think I have deep emotional stress.  My life is actually much better than it's been in a long time.  Though yesterday was a little stressful because of end of month deadlines at work, but no more than usual.

Suicide
To dream that you commit suicide, represents your desperate desire to escape from your waking life. You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life.�

To see someone commit suicide in you dream, highlights your concerns for that person. Consider what characteristics and qualities in that person you may be trying to "kill" and annihilate in your own self. Perhaps you hope that you are not like this person and are making attempts to get rid of those traits within your own self.�

I can see how this can apply to me right now.  I have been working very hard this year and creating a better version of me. 

Death
To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore. In particular, to dream about the death of your parents, indicates that you are undergoing a significant change in your waking life. Your relationship with your parents has evolved into a new realm.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To dream that you are faking your own death, suggests that you are looking for a new start. You need some change in your life.

This makes sense, too.  I am 30 years old now.  Clearly my parents don't play the same role in my life and I feel like I am undergoing significant change in my waking life.  I've written about it often enough over the last two months.

Les Misérables



Hippodrome Theatre courtesy of their website

 Last night, I went to see Les Misérables at the Hippodrome Theatre in Baltimore.  The last time I saw it I believe I was 21 and the first time I was 16.  Of course, those were the original productions and not the 25th anniversary production I saw last night.

from http://www.broadwayinchicago.com/

To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the musical, Cameron Mackintosh re-staged the whole thing.  All the sets were redone and the revolving stage taken out.  It was definitely a different experience from my previous ones and not entirely because of the fancy new pieces in the show.  I feel like this show was shorter than the previous two I've seen (we were finished by 11:00pm and the show started at 8:00pm) and the stage felt much smaller.  The last time I saw this show, it was in the same theatre, the revolving stage took up several of the first few rows.  So it was a physically smaller space, but my father described it as more intimate and I have to agree.  I noticed there were a couple of verses cut on minor songs and the scene transitions didn't take as long.  But it all flowed very well and I had to actually listen to my Complete Symphonic Recording from 1988 to remember the differences.

I also noticed that the singing style was a little different from the previous times I've seen it.  I had my suspicions confirmed by a review in the Chicago Tribune,  The orchestrations and singing were updated for a more contemporary sound.  Which explains why Eponine could have easily been seen on American Idol.  I also have to agree with the author of the article, the stationary barricade lost something in this production.  Gavroche is killed offstage in this new production and I personally feel that takes away from the emotional impact of that scene.  Also the sight of the barricade after the battle with all of the students in their final poses isn't nearly as powerful as it was in previous showings.  Still, I couldn't help but cry in the usual places.  One lady was even kind enough to offer me a tissue.

I am a very different person coming to this show, too.  I loved this show when I was younger.  I have the original Broadway cast, the London cast, and the Complete Symphonic Recording (aka the All-Star version).  But sitting there last night I couldn't help but realize how incredibly depressing the entire show really is.  I was also unaware of how religious the show is.  Everything is tied up in this idea of religion and absolutes.  Very good commentary on it, of course, but it makes me wonder how heavy-handed it might be in the original book.  But back to the point, always before I identified with Eponine, pining away for someone that will never return her affections.  And to be sure she is developed better, as a character, than dear Cosette.  "On My Own" really struck me differently this time, however, and looking back I can't help but think of the lyric "without me, his world will go on turning," this morning.  Because it is really true, she dies in his arms at the barricade and then he's right back to Cosette.  I felt bad for Eponine, as I usually do, but I also had this feeling like she could have done better and I sincerely doubt that Marius and Cosette have a true and lasting love.  Oh, wait, maybe I don't feel that differently about the love triangle.

Still, I didn't feel every song the way I used to.  It wasn't like the words were written for my specific situations.  Of course, my life was never quite as desperate as Fantine's or as hopeless as Eponine's but it felt that way sometimes.  This time, I truly was an observer.  I watched the show and I was moved to tears, but it wasn't part of me.  I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I was glad for it.  It was like a measuring tape for how far I've come in the last 14 years.  I still have my compassion and can, literally, sob for the characters but it's no longer my life.