Time Alone

I realize that I am my own worst enemy right now.  When I am at work, or doing something that involved thought, I am fine.  I am distracted and focused on anything else but what is actually bothering me.  But the minute I have two or three minutes to let my mind wonder, that's when I get into trouble.  I can't help but replay things over and over in my head or think about how my ex cheated on me.  I keep seeing him having sex with this other person and it kills me every time.

I gave my forgiveness, and I truly do forgive, but the getting over is going to be more difficult.  Because I still can't reconcile the fact the the person I knew and loved could do this to another human being, let alone me.  I know that he wasn't in love with me, I know this, so it wasn't as large of a betrayal as it could have been.  But it still was a betrayal of my trust and my feelings and that is the hardest part.  I can't think of the good times without the bad ending.  I can't villainize and hate him, because of everything that came before.  It doesn't make this situation right and his decisions were completely wrong.

Perhaps the hardest thing is that, even if it were someone I wasn't in love with, I could never do this to another person and I can't completely wrap my head about his actions.  I can understand why things happened the way they did and even forgive the person I knew before all of this, but I couldn't lie directly to anyone I cared about.  I couldn't juggle two people that cared about me simply because I was too afraid to make a decision.  The one time I dated two people, both knew it wasn't exclusive or really serious.  Every month the main guy I was seeing and I would sit down and talk about whether we wanted to move to exclusivity or if this was working for us.  Since we weren't exactly romantically attached to each other, we always decided to keep it an open dating relationship just not to discuss what we did with other people.  But I still felt bad about seeing other people.  I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong or hurting anyone, but I knew it wasn't right for me.  We were honest and open with each other, but I still felt like I was lying and I hated myself for it. It's something I will never agree to again. 

If I didn't know this feeling was temporary and that I was strong enough to get over this as I have so many other things, it might be easier to feel this miserable.  I could feel like the world was over and I would never be happy again.  Wallow in my sorrows until little bit, by little bit it receded into the ocean of memory.  But knowing I will survive this and go on to better things only makes the ache in my chest frustrating.  The flooding of memories and feelings of self doubt that rush at me when I have those two or three minutes to wonder around my brain are tortuous.  Because I know it will get better and I wish I were already over this part.