Lists

I usually make lists: things that need to be done, goals I have for the year, things that need to be packed for a trip, characteristics I don't want in a boyfriend.  Last night, my therapist gave me homework.  She wants me to create a list of characteristics I want in a partner.  I told her it was easier to make a list of things I didn't want and I felt that creating a list of specific things I did want would narrow my search and leave out a lot of worthwhile people.  She said that it would give me focus and help point me in the direction I wanted to go, because if I never knew what I wanted how could I be sure I was heading the right way.  I can see the thought process in that and will do it.  But it is a little more difficult than I thought.

She also wants me to create a list of, what I would consider, the most important romantic relationships in my life and how I was when I was in them.  So maybe it would be easier to create that list and then pull out the characteristics I liked about each of those people, instead of the things I didn't like about those relationships.  This will, of course, tie-in with her let's see what the people you date have in common and what the problem really is.  That is why I am there after all, to make sure that I am not doing something to sabotage myself when it comes to relationships.  And as different as most of these men are, they did have some similarities.  Now I just need to see if those similarities are deeper than I thought.

A small list I came up with last night:

1. Wants a family, someday
2. Has a typical day job
1. restaurant workers and night shift hasn't worked with my schedule
2. regular schedule like mine, with predictable work nights could be okay.
3. transitional jobs, due to economy problems, are also okay.  But if they haven't had a "grown-up" job they won't understand my routine.
3. Has a close family - or at least understands the time I spend with mine
4. Has at least one sibling - preferably a sister
5. open to a relationship
6. sees a relationship as a true partnership
1. not someone who feels they need to teach me something about life, but someone with whom I can continually learn and grow
2. encourages me to be a better version of myself and vice versa without being cruel or domineering
3. will seek out my opinion and seriously consider it even when the decision has nothing to do with me or my life
4. will offer his opinion and help on difficult decisions, but ultimately knows it is my life and my choices and no reflection on him if I do not follow his advice and is okay with that.
7. Has a budget - a plan for his retirement, aka takes steps to provide for his future.
8. Believes that the rules exist for a reason and doesn't see them as a challenge to overcome.  But understands that some laws are stupid, i.e. prohibition of same-sex marriages.
1. no get rich quick schemes, serious gambling problems, drug use, drinking problems
2. respects intellectual properties and doesn't download illegally, plagiarize, and documents sources.
9. can balance work, romance, friends, family
10. 50/50 relationship
1. Makes time for me and wants to be with me, but leaves me time for outside interests and hobbies.
1. it's important to maintain an individual identity
2. allows us to continually bring something new to the relationship
2. Integrate into my life without taking it over
1. will hang out with my friends and family
2. includes me in activities with his friends and family
3. able to maintain outside relationships
3. half the time at my place, half at his
4. Share financial responsibilities
1. doesn't expect me to maintain a higher lifestyle because he can afford to

Okay maybe it's not as small as I thought, but I started thinking about things as I went along.