The End of an Era

In May, my last grandparent passed away. We weren't exceptionally close, but she was still my grandmother.

It started with a call from my mother saying that Grandma had fallen and they were taking her to the hospital.  I didn't think much about it because she had fallen before and was able to recover.  But at 88 years old, there's always cause for concern.  It turns out that she had a heart attack the previous day and had ignored the warning signs.  She'd opted not to go to the hospital and went to bed instead. The damage to her heart was permanent by the time she fell and there was nothing to do but wait.

My sister and I arrived in Florida the same evening, but didn't get to see Grandma in the hospital until the following day.  She stayed in the ICU for 3 days and was then moved to Hospice care.  I have to say that the staff at Hospice of Marion County were fantastic.  They were very respectful to my grandmother and very helpful to the rest of the family.  We're also incredibly grateful to the help provided by the Salvation Army Center of Hope so that we didn't have to worry about ridiculous hotel fees.

When my father's parents died, it was sudden and we didn't have time to get there.  When my mother's father died, I was very young so it affected me differently.  For this grandparent, though, we were able to say goodbye and spend time with her at the very last of her days.  It was a surreal experience that I hope to never repeat, though I know that at some point I may have to.  With knowing that my parents are now orphans comes the realization that they're the next generation to go.

Certainly, there could be a terrible accident that could take another family member sooner, but for all intents and purposes they're the next on the list of possibilities.  This is a frightening realization for me and something on which I try not to dwell.  But it certainly makes me question a lot of things in my life and wonder what kind of story people will tell about me when they have to speak over my coffin.

Cinco de Mayo

Just returned from a blind-ish date.  (Met the guy online and agreed to meet up and see if we were a match.)  I don't know if it's me or what, but I don't think this is going past a second date.  I think everyone deserves at least two dates.  The first date can be nerve wracking and some people can pysch themselves out to a point that they don't give an accurate version of themselves.  Second dates are usually a little bit easier and will tell you if your first impressions were correct or not.

My first impressions:  the guy was very nice, very open, and we talked about super heroes and childhood cartoon shows.  However, I did not want to hold his hand or make out with him.  I learned that he still lives with his parents, though it makes sense that he would.  (He's just out of law school and building his practice, paying back student loans, etc.)  But I get the feeling that he hasn't really been on his own, there's a certain confidence that's lacking, and I don't need a project.  Part of me wonders if I should ignore my impulse to keep my distance and see if something could develop as I got to know him more.  In terms of dating, I don't know that my instincts have served me well to date and I'm curious to see what would happen if I went against them.  But I have also learned that I am far more intuitive about relationships than I realize and if I had listened to my instincts from the start I could have saved myself some trouble.  (i.e. my wondering if my ex was still happy dating me back in January was my subconscious picking up on his changed behavior after he met his, now, current girlfriend.) 

I think that's the worst part about a break-up like the one I've just had.  It skews your perception of everything and makes you doubt yourself in ways that are detrimental to your well-being.  Because everything I thought I knew, everything that I was certain of, changed as if overnight.  There wasn't a slow decline in the relationship, nothing noticeable or concerning, it was seemingly healthy.  The first one I'd had in a long time and I was completely blindsided.  Like being knocked under by an incoming wave at the beach, I am struggling to find my footing and get my bearings so I can make it safely to shore.  And this new guy, I don't even know if he had a chance to begin with.