Writing

The guy I've been seeing has been incredibly supportive on a number of levels, but has mentioned on more than one occasion that I should focus more on writing.  I let him read my story about my character, Ianthe, and he found it to be very entertaining.  Apparently, it has the benefit of being easy to read and engages the reader in the story. 

I have a lot of my story up on Live Journal, though my privacy settings are set so only my friends can see what's posted. When I first started writing the story, I would let the girls at Hallmark read pieces of it.  Their enthusiasm helped spur me onwards with the work and I wonder if I should start posting on this blog.  If I'm getting feedback from people genuinely interested in the characters/story it would keep it fresh in my brain and encourage me to write more often.  My concern, however, is plagiarism.  I've read through more than one entry of Cleolinda Jones' journal where she has had to battle people claiming her movies in 15 minutes as her own.

Not to say that my writing would be nearly as clever as hers or incite that level of plagiarism.  I just would hate to have someone unknown take my characters and accomplish what I have been thus far unable to do with them.  I think I am also afraid of having the negative feedback that inevitably comes with posting anything creative or personal on the Internet.  Even though the story, itself,  would not be a personal account of anything, it's still very much a part of me that would be exposed to the general public and people can be cruel.

I've attempted to read some of the recent fiction that's on the bestseller list and I realize that writing doesn't have to be the crafted artistry I appreciate in novels, but I don't know if I would be personally satisfied with writing something less than perfect.  Of course, nothing is perfect and that's a ridiculous statement.  But I do have a certain level  to which I hold my writing and I would not want to put out something half-baked.  But I also know that I have the talent within myself to write something better than what I've seen on the shelves recently.  Unfortunately, in order to prove that, one must actually write and produce something for comparison.

So I'm back to wondering if I should risk writing unfinished works here in an attempt to complete something for an actual publication.

Fourth Of July

This is now the third time I've rewritten this entry.  For some reason it keeps deleting and I'm not really sure why.  If only I had thought to copy the text before attempting to publish...

In a more elegant fashion, I talked about going over to N's place for the Fireworks in Baltimore.  But at this point I would rather make sure the entry is complete and published so I don't fall too far behind.  I was invited over to N's place to watch the Fireworks and I was getting a vibe that he wasn't really thinking of me romantically and, instead, enjoyed hanging out with me.  I had a great time meeting his friend from work and one of his roommates.  We grilled up some dinner and sat talking about relationships in the kitchen for a while.  The conversation spilled over to the roof time and I just had a great time hanging out with a small group of people.

Hanging out with N has shown me a different side of Baltimore living, one that I would not be completely opposed to, and I enjoy seeing it through fresh eyes.  That being said, as I walked back to my car that night I realized that I was asking myself too many questions about N's behavior and what I thought he might think of me.  It was like a tumbler clicking in a lock and I called him on my way home.  I said that I had the feeling he wasn't that interested, but I was still interested in getting to know him on a friend level.  He said that I was a "cool girl" but he didn't see it being long term and he had to focus on his Med School applications.  We agreed to be friends and will meet up for brunch on Saturday.

I, honestly, could use more male friends.  Right now, it's just M and he can be incredibly frustrating at times.  N also has a social network of people in the city, as far as I can tell, and I think this is how dating goes for 75% of the population.  Meaning you hang out with friends and they bring other friends who bring other friends and at some point you meet a random person who catches your interest for a time.  So the social networking will be good for me on many levels.  But I also felt N was incredibly easy to talk to and I was very comfortable hanging out with him.  I shared stories I don't normally tell people because you never know quite how they will react.  So I am glad that I have that kind of person in my friend arsenal.

Things to talk about with the Rafiki-Lady

I had a date ask for a rain-check due to being "swamped with things to do at work and . . . to be done at home."  My immediate thoughts were that he had a) something better to do or b)was embarassed about certain events that occurred on our last date.  I will not go into these details as it's just not polite to kiss and tell.  c)He could also legitimately have been busy but 1) this was the only opportunity to see me before his vacation this weekend and 2) it was only the 4th date.  I feel that if someone were truly excited about me, and getting to know me, that he would make room for a planned date no matter what came up.  If work swamps one at the last minute there should be some attempt to reschedule or alter the actual date plans to fit in a more limited time frame, or at least an inquiry if I am available after he returns from vacation.  None of these things happened.

It's really the stuff "to be done at home" part that makes me think he's not all that interested.  Because if you had all week to get ready for vacation and your only busy days were Tuesday and Thursday then certainly these things could have been completed on Wednesday.  It's almost akin to a girl telling a guy she can't go out because she has to stay home and wash her hair.  (Which may sound ridiculous these days, but after seeing A's beehive hairdo for the HonFest I could see how it might have once been a legitimate excuse.) I could be wrong, but I doubt it.  When you start dating someone you should be so excited about it that you can't wait to see them.  This clearly says that he CAN wait to see me and is therefore not that into it.

I could be bitter, overly extreme in my judgement, or just not as tolerant as I used to be.  I haven't read that He's Just Not That Into You book, but I feel like this is probably covered in its pages.  I will talk about it with my therapist tonight because I want to make sure that I am thinking about this objectively.  Or maybe I should just read that book.

Patterson Park

User: Iracaz (From Wikipedia.org)

This past weekend I had a date that went quite well.  It started at one of my favorite Baltimore restaurants, The Paper Moon Diner, and then meandered its way over to Patterson Park.

This is yet another area, where I live, that has gone unexplored even though I've lived here for years.  I'd always heard about the Pagoda (my friend, A, incorporates it into her fantasy wedding planning) but had never actually been there.  I can see now why she would want to include this in her plans.  It incorporates at least two important things in her life thus far: teaching English in China and her love of the city of Baltimore.

The Pagoda was built during the Victorian Era and it's easy to see that influence in the architecture and design.  I do wonder though, how ladies with larger dresses than we currently wear made it up and down those narrow stairs with people moving in the opposite direction.  Though I would guess that's what the landings are for; allowing people to climb one set of stairs without traffic.  But modern culture is less polite.  I was surprised to learn that Hamstead Hill, where the Pagoda stands, was integral in the Battle of Baltimore during the War of 1812.  This was the same battle that inspired Francis Scott Key to write "The Star-Spangled Banner," our national anthem.

Growing up in Havre de Grace, I know about the War of 1812.  It was the source for the story about our town "hero," John O'Neil.  Aside from the Revolutionary War, which had George Washington sleeping everywhere and the Marquis de Lafayette naming our small town, the War of 1812 was the next most important thing we were taught in school.  So to see cannons, restored and standing, on Hampstead Hill immediately made me think of the cannon behind our Concord Point Lighthouse which John O'Neil used to defend the town against the British.

All in all, it was a very interesting day and I'm sorry that I hadn't visited the area sooner.  Perhaps my next stop should be Ft. McHenry...

Second Dates

I have come to the conclusion, this weekend, that I really hate dating.  Specifically I am referring to that thing we all do when we are absolutely single and trying to find one person with whom to spend quality time, not the dating that happens when one has found someone worth their time but before it's an agreed upon relationship.  In the past month I have had "dates" with three different guys, though one of them doesn't really count cause it was agreed it a no strings meeting.  It is my policy that everyone gets a second date, unless the first date is just awful, because everyone can be nervous on a first date and not give a great first impression.  I also think it's kind of like wine or beer tasting, the first sip clears the pallet and the second one really tells you about the person.  That being said, I should also learn that my first impressions and reactions are usually pretty accurate.

I had a second date today that I already knew wasn't going to change my mind, but the guy was so nice that I sincerely hoped I was wrong.  I wasn't.  And I completely chickened out of having that conversation at the end of the date where I explain that I'm just not interested in anything other than friendship.  Part of me wanted to talk about it with my therapist on Monday before making any declarations.  I think it's because of how things ended with my ex and I doubt my instincts right now.  I mean clearly whatever method I've been using to pick a guy isn't working.  But now I realize that I will have to meet this person for a third time to actually have a conversation where I say I'm just not attracted to him, because it's really better to do those things in person isn't it?  And it just makes me feel like an asshole.

This guy is genuinely nice and it's pretty obvious that he likes me, but I don't want to make out with him.  I didn't want him to hold my hand, either, and my thought about the second date when I agreed to it was "let's get this over."  And given that I had these same reactions when I met my roommate and living with him for a year hasn't changed anything, I think I can safely say that my thinking is accurate on this one, too.  But I know how it feels to meet someone with whom you feel a connection and they don't.  I keep saying I wish I could meet a nice guy and here I have, but I don't want him.  So I feel bad about it even though I can't help what I don't feel.  I think the important thing is that I don't let it go on longer than necessary and allow him to move on and find that right person for him.

MTV = "My Time is Valuable"

There are few things in this world that irritate me more than the lack of courtesy between human beings.  Today I am specifically referring to a wasting of someone else's time because one can't be bothered to send a quick text message to declare that plans are cancelled.  Basically, blowing someone off.  In a no strings agreement between adults, there are only two rules; show up when you say you will and don't get attached.  (Of course, there are other rules that can be agreed upon but I feel these are pretty universal.) 

I kind of feel like my "slutty phase" is prematurely over, now.  Because, really, I wasn't going to sleep with multiple partners over the summer.  I had an agreement with one individual that seemed to satisfy both our needs and that was fine with me.  But last night, after an agreed upon meeting was ignored, I have no desire to waste my time further with this individual.  If he'd had a legitimate date opportunity, I would have completely understood and probably encouraged it.  If there had been some sort of family or medical emergency, again, I would not have a problem.  But when I see that someone is active online and actively ignoring plans, I don't have any patience.  Perhaps I can work out an agreement with someone else before the summer is over, but I feel like I'd have to be in the right place and mood for that since it's something that doesn't come naturally to me.

The evening was not a complete loss, however, as I was able to clean my room (I've been putting it off for months now) and catch up on the blogs I missed while on Vacation.  Of course, had I known my plans would be changed, I would have had something more interesting lined up or at least gotten back to the gym.  But these were things that needed to be done and I'd been avoiding doing them.  Like my room/house, for example.  Since my break-up I haven't actively done anything to keep it tidy and it's fallen into quite a loathsome state.  I just didn't have the will or desire to do anything, but then I couldn't stand the sight of it so I would make plans that kept me away from the place until bed time.  And I think we all know that that isn't healthy.  So things are tidy once more and just need a thorough clean and dusting on my next day off and I'll be able to breath easier and feel comfortable once more.

Cinco de Mayo

Just returned from a blind-ish date.  (Met the guy online and agreed to meet up and see if we were a match.)  I don't know if it's me or what, but I don't think this is going past a second date.  I think everyone deserves at least two dates.  The first date can be nerve wracking and some people can pysch themselves out to a point that they don't give an accurate version of themselves.  Second dates are usually a little bit easier and will tell you if your first impressions were correct or not.

My first impressions:  the guy was very nice, very open, and we talked about super heroes and childhood cartoon shows.  However, I did not want to hold his hand or make out with him.  I learned that he still lives with his parents, though it makes sense that he would.  (He's just out of law school and building his practice, paying back student loans, etc.)  But I get the feeling that he hasn't really been on his own, there's a certain confidence that's lacking, and I don't need a project.  Part of me wonders if I should ignore my impulse to keep my distance and see if something could develop as I got to know him more.  In terms of dating, I don't know that my instincts have served me well to date and I'm curious to see what would happen if I went against them.  But I have also learned that I am far more intuitive about relationships than I realize and if I had listened to my instincts from the start I could have saved myself some trouble.  (i.e. my wondering if my ex was still happy dating me back in January was my subconscious picking up on his changed behavior after he met his, now, current girlfriend.) 

I think that's the worst part about a break-up like the one I've just had.  It skews your perception of everything and makes you doubt yourself in ways that are detrimental to your well-being.  Because everything I thought I knew, everything that I was certain of, changed as if overnight.  There wasn't a slow decline in the relationship, nothing noticeable or concerning, it was seemingly healthy.  The first one I'd had in a long time and I was completely blindsided.  Like being knocked under by an incoming wave at the beach, I am struggling to find my footing and get my bearings so I can make it safely to shore.  And this new guy, I don't even know if he had a chance to begin with.