Question 6 in Maryland

Question 6
Referendum Petition
(Ch. 2 of the 2012 Legislative Session)
Civil Marriage Protection Act

Establishes that Maryland’s civil marriage laws allow gay and lesbian couples to obtain a civil marriage license, provided they are not otherwise prohibited from marrying; protects clergy from having to perform any particular marriage ceremony in violation of their religious beliefs; affirms that each religious faith has exclusive control over its own theological doctrine regarding who may marry within that faith; and provides that religious organizations and certain related entities are not required to provide goods, services, or benefits to an individual related to the celebration or promotion of marriage in violation of their religious beliefs.

I have had an interesting discussion about marriage today.  My sister and her girlfriend have recently moved in together and they were discussing the future.  As the mature adults they are, they've decided that they aren't going to seriously consider marriage until they see how the next year goes.  Living with someone is entirely different from dating and you learn so much more about the person when you have to work through everyday challenges and problems.  But the idea is on the table for future discussion and is not disagreeable to either of them.  However, they don't want to just have a Wedding and then think of themselves as married.  They want their marriage to be legally recognized and protected.  So I now have completely selfish reasons to want Maryland to pass the Same-Sex Marriage legislation on Tuesday.

They also discussed what happens if legislation is passed that will not recognize Same-Sex Marriages on the Federal level.  The possibility, given careers and other life events, of my sister and her girlfriend moving to another country for these legal protections is not out of the question.  I've written before about how close my sister and I are and that I wish we lived closer to each other.  So if our country fails to recognize this civil right of its citizens, they will push my sister further away from the family.  For so many people, the Same-Sex Marriage legislation is an abstract concept.  It's something that has no bearing on their lives whatsoever, except to say that it does or does not hold with their belief system.  This will directly affect my family and it makes me so nervous about the outcome of Tuesday's election. 

My Business Law professor has talked about it several times in class.  He brings it up every time we study a law that has the marriage caveat.  He doesn't give his opinion or tell us what we should think, he just offers us the facts and tells us to make up our own minds.  Right now we're studying property law.  I didn't realize that if my father were to get in a car accident and be sued for medical bills, that he and my step-father would be forced to sell their house so that dad's half of the assets would cover that debt.  If their marriage were legally recognized in the state of Maryland, their house would be protected. And there are so many instances where a marriage license provides this automatic protection or entitlement.  Yes, there are a lot of other legal protections a same-sex couple could put in place without a marriage license but there isn't an alternative for this property right.  My dad and his husband would be treated the same as if my sister and I owned a house together no matter what.

Our entire society is structured to encourage people to get married, for religious purposes or not.  A read through Samhita Mukhopadhyay's Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life provides excellent examples of how we're taught that one is not really an adult or successful until one is married.  Yet, as a society, we deny homosexuals the ability to do so.  How can one look at our society, with its social and legal structures, and tell me that marriage is strictly a religious thing? 

Pride 2012

My cousin will be 15 in a month and I thought it was time he went to the Pride Parade in Baltimore.  Not the Block Party afterwards, he's still too young for that, but the family portion with the gay marching band would be just fine.  Over all, we had a great time.  He was able to be himself in a crowd of like-minded people and, even though I made him hold my hand through the crowded areas, he still managed to have someone grab his ass.

30 days to live....

The theme of the Easter sermon I heard on Sunday was "30 days to live" and the pastor asked everyone what they would do if they found out they only had that long left in their lives.  He was trying to make a point about how we live our lives on a daily basis and what we should be focused on instead.  Basically, stop worrying about keeping up with the Joneses and start thinking about the legacy you're leaving here on Earth.  Pastor Skip, I'll call him, gave a list of things that he would do if he only had 30 days to live and, though they were admirable, they were not the first things that popped into my mind.

If I were told, with absolute certainty, that I was going to die in 30 days and there wasn't anything I could do about it, I would probably spend the first day completely shell shocked.  The next day I'd probably cry, the third I'd fall apart completely, and by the fourth I would make a list of all the things I wanted to do before my final day.

1. I'd fly my mother up to Maryland.
2. I'd fly my sister up to Maryland.
3. Take the trip to Japan with my sister.
4. See Paris one more time and actually go to the Louvre.
5. Give my 15 year old cousin a driving lesson.
6. Buy the most expensive bottle of Scotch I can find and drink it with my family and friends.
7. Get in a bar fight, knock someone over the head with a bottle, and throw a stool through a window.
8. Go home with a stranger.
9. Get a tattoo.
10. Ride a horse.
11. Swim in the Pacific Ocean.
12. Have a photo session with my photographer friend
13. Challenge my dad to see who can eat the most Goll's Bakery Donuts and Apple Turnovers before getting sick.
14. Break all of my dishes.
15. Throw a huge party and invite everyone.  And the biggest gift had better have a card attached that says, "Thank you, for being a friend." 

So most of these things are not what Pastor Skip had in mind and I did clean up the list a little bit for this entry.  I can't even say my list is that outrageous.  There isn't anything like Sky-Diving or Bull Fighting on here.  Mostly, I would do all the things I was afraid of doing because of the long term consequences.  I would go after the life experiences I wanted but hadn't been able to fit in.  I wouldn't go to work, not even to make it easier for everyone else, and I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to just to make someone else happy.

Which is probably Pastor Skip's entire point.  It's important to take a look at one's life and really question why we do the things we do.  What is important?  How do we waste our time and how could we use that time more effectively?    We are not guaranteed tomorrow, at any age, and we shouldn't take the days we have for granted.

Le Weekend - Or - Revisiting a Childhood You'd Rather Forget

I came off of last weekend, with my sister, feeling very positive and happy.  She really went out of her way to make it special and it meant more than I can say.  This most recent weekend, in contrast, was very disappointing.  It made me feel very alone in a place where I have both family and a social network.  I was headed out to meet the dads for my birthday dinner.   Which sounds like it should be a happy occasion and something that would propel me even further into a good mood, but it didn't end up that way at all.

The dinner reservations were made for 3:00pm on Saturday and I was supposed to meet everyone at the Dads' house at 2:30pm so we could all drive together.  Between getting over this cold that won't seem to go away and trying to catch up on laundry from the trip, I knew I wouldn't make it to my dad's by 2:30.  So I called them as I was headed out of my neighborhood and asked them to text me the address for the restaurant.  I wouldn't make it to their place on time but, as I live closer, I wouldn't be late to the restaurant.  Dad agreed to send the address and ended the call but didn't hang up.  He has this problem of not hitting the "end call" button on his phone and I've gotten numerous phone messages with a lot of background chatter.  Normally this is just amusing, but on Saturday he proceeded to complain after he thought he'd hung up.

I heard him tell the other people in the car that I "always do this" and "couldn't be on time for anything."  His friend, O, offers the suggestion of telling me to meet a half an hour earlier, like she does with her son, so I'll get there in time.  At this point, he realized that his phone was still on and quickly hung up.  Had I not been using the blue tooth feature in my car, I would never have heard the details of the conversation but I did and I proceeded to lose my shit.  I thought about calling back and saying I couldn't make it after all but I knew they had people coming.  So I called my sister in an effort to calm down before I would have to pretend was normal.

I am not a person who is habitually late to things.  I value promptness and see chronic lateness to events as a waste of my time.  I get this from my father.  However, more often than not I will be ready to go at their house and have to wait for one or the other to finish getting ready.  The times I have been late, or called to say I'll meet you there instead, have been due to traffic or having to work late - things completely out of my control.  At first, I felt like my dad's comments were very two-faced and he was putting on some kind of act for his friend.  Second, it made me feel like I was 5 years old again and he had told me he was very disappointed.  I was the kind of kid who would punish herself if told her parents were disappointed in her behavior.

But the part that caused me to have a complete meltdown in my car was the residual effects of living with his last partner.  It was like he was saying I was irresponsible to his friend.  I have a gut reaction to anyone implying or outright saying I am irresponsible, careless, worthless, or stupid.  I know most people would have a strong reaction to this as well, so it shouldn't be surprising.  But I spent almost every day of ten years being told how terrible I was, but never to my face.  My dad's old partner would wait until I was just out of the room, but still in earshot, to say what he really thought of me.  He would wait until my dad wasn't around so that no one would catch him.  He would belittle me and make me feel like I was a terrible person because I came out of my room.  And this is was exactly how this situation on Saturday felt to me.

I know that my dad doesn't intentionally leave his cell phone on after ending a call, but my knee-jerk reaction was feeling like it had been done on purpose.  And then I was 15 years old again, just waiting for someone else to come home so I could breathe, so I didn't feel so alone.  It wrecked that entire feeling I had from the previous weekend and I just wanted to curl up in my room.  But I went to the dinner and I even went to the wine bar with everyone afterwards.  Still, I went home earlier than I would have and just hid in my room the rest of the night.

It was the worst feeling.  And, of course, I haven't said anything to my dad about it.  This is not the type of family we are.  We don't even talk about what happened when he was with his old partner.  We just pretend like everything's okay until it is.

Davy Jones - February 29th

I just learned that Davy Jones, of The Monkees fame, has died at age 66 and my day is a little bit darker because of it.  Just last Friday, Dad and I were driving to the airport, listening to Pool It in the car.

I became acquainted with them in 1986 when MTV re-ran episodes of The Monkees.  Even though I am a second generation fan, it still feels like a little piece of my childhood is gone.

Dad's 59th

My father's 59th birthday was this weekend and it amazes me how my parents seem so much younger than my grandparents did at the same age.  It could be because the pictures of my grandparents at that age were taken in the 80's, or it could be their behaviors.  Of course, I would never have seen the side of my grandparents that I see of my dad simply because of my age at the time.


Dad and his friend, Ona, circa Friday night



Mommom and Poppop, circa 1980's



In Case You Didn't Believe Me....



Mom and Dad 1977




Annette and Frankie


They could be body doubles....

Beach Time with the Fam



At the Lemon Drop - courtesy of Litlesam

 I just spent the last week at the beach with my family.  It was definitely an experience and a break I really needed.

The photo to the right was taken on our last day after we'd packed up the cars and were getting ready to leave for our respective homes.  My dad thinks it looks like a promo shot for a bad family sitcom.  Personally, I think television needs our smiling faces and positive outlook.  Or perhaps that's just me....

First Scotch Tasting!

The Order of the Cask, Leaf, and Thought (a.k.a my Meetup Scotch Group) has their first official tasting last night.  Organized by founder, C.N., and J. at Bad Decisions, we were able to get a guided tasting of a flight of Balvenie.

The line-up was as follows:

The Balvenie, DoubleWood, 12 years
The Balvenie, Caribbean Cask, 14 years
The Balvenie, Single Barrel, 15 years
The Balvenie, Madeira Cask, 17 years
The Balvenie, Peated Cask, 17 years

I am still learning about the subtlety of Scotch and this was definitely a  fantastic event for furthering that education.  J., at Bad Decisions,  led us through each glass and gave a lot of detail about the tasting notes.  (i.e. the nose, the taste, and the finish)  He explained about the Balvenie process and how they create their special limited edition Scotches.

J. explicitly told us not to "fall in love" with the Caribbean Cask as it was very limited.  So, of course, this was dad's favorite of the five.  Dad said it reminded him of the cough syrup he used to get from our old town doctor, Dr. W.  It had a hint of cherry to it and I could definitely taste the Rum influence.  Stepdaddy M.'s favorite was, of course, the Peated Cask. 

Of the five tastings, my favorite was the Madeira Cask.  According to J., and the Balvenie website, this one has a "deep, luxurious aromas translate into an equally rewarding flavour. Initial sweet vanilla oak notes gradually develop into rich spices and dried fruits (apricots, figs, dates)."  I think it was the "sweet vanilla oak notes" that make this my favorite.  Of course, this was pushed to the side when the founding members were presented with a PortWood (21 years). 

Snapshots

Several people on my Facebook friends list have posted their professional pictures from weddings, births, parties, etc.  And it occurred to me, as I grew increasingly jealous of their projected happiness, that we, as a culture, don't take photos of the sad times in our lives.  We take photos on vacation, at birthday parties, social gatherings, and life's milestones.  But I don't know that I've ever seen someone take a photo at a Funeral. 

My dad tells me that his father's family would line up in front of their deceased relative's coffin and take a kind of final family photo.  I have been told that this was a common practice in the 30's and 40's, but I haven't really heard of this as a current one.  When my paternal grandmother died all photos were taken after the funeral, at the luncheon that followed.  But my point is that we don't hire professional photographers to document these moments in our lives.

Realistically, not many people want to remember those times in our lives.  We would rather look back at the photos that make us beautiful and bring warm and fuzzy memories.  We only want to share those moments that will make others pay attention.  Which brings me to this article I read about Facebook and how it makes us all a little more depressed.  The Anti-Social Network, by Libby Copeland, really speaks to me at the moment.  The idea is that, in a study performed at Standford, Facebook only projects the best part of our lives for others to see and this, in turn, makes us feel more isolated in our less than perfect realities. 

It's kind of like the sitcom versions of our own lives; we get the funny, ridiculous, and Kodak moments.  I have often lamented that life cannot be like a movie (or television show or book) and we can't montage through the boring and difficult parts.  By viewing people's activities on Facebook we don't have to experience these in between parts that others certainly go through and it can make it seem like they don't exist for these friends and relatives.  It can make life seem easier than it is.

I personally enjoy the posts my friend, G, puts up about her children.  She's always honest about when they do something amazing and when they are driving her crazy.  Even though I am not there every day, I know that parenting is quite the struggle.  Whereas, former classmate, C, seems to have no end of joyous moments with her children and the five or six others she has in her daycare.  Do they ever fall down? Cry? Repeatedly ask for something they can't have?  Throw a temper tantrum?  I sincerely doubt that C has this perfect existence but I don't have any evidence to the contrary and I would believe that she and her adorable husband have a marriage akin to the Cleavers'.

I talk to my sister every day and I know the struggles that she is currently going through.  But if I were to judge her life based solely on the content she puts up on Facebook, I would think that she was perfectly happy and only a little stressed from time to time.  It's not her fault, she doesn't intentionally put only the good content up because she's afraid of what other's would think.  It's just that there are certain things you just don't share with an online community.  Facebook creates this false intimacy with people.  We imagine that we know everything happening in their lives even though we haven't called them to ask how they are or even seen them since high school.

I do know that the difficult times I've had recently seemed that much worse when I would see how happy other people were on Facebook.  It increased that feeling that perhaps something was wrong with me, some important life lesson I never learned, or a turn right when I should have turned left.  I've come out of that a little bit and I'm trying to focus more on the reality of life around me.  I think that Facebook creates a false plumb line for our lives.  We think about what content we'll post, how many people will like it, and how many hits we'll get on x, y, or z post.  We censor ourselves and project a modified version in an attempt to court the favor of people who are doing exactly the same thing. 

So, lately I've been trying not to over think situations and create imagined problems and concerns for myself.  I'm trying to stop asking if this is what other people would do or if this would be acceptable by someone else's standards.  Because I know my own mind better than anyone else.  I guess the point is that I'm trying to enjoy my life as it is and not as a snapshot for someone else's approval.

G-D's 85th Birthday

Today is my maternal grandmother's 85th birthday.  On one hand I am uber excited about the fact that I have a grandparent that made it to be 85, and probably older at the rate she's going, but on the other I am sad that she is my only remaining grandparent.  This will sound harsh, so bear with me, but I wish that my paternal grandmother had made it to 85 instead.

1-800-Flowers A-Dog-Able Basket.

In my defense, I don't have much of a relationship with my maternal grandmother and it isn't for a lack of trying.  I had wonderful hopes of developing a familial bond with my Florida relatives when my mother moved back to take care of her own mother.  But that was not to be.  My mother doesn't even spend, what I would consider, a reasonable amount of time with her sister.

I mean if my sister and I lived in the same town, there would be Rockband Band every week.  We could meet for lunches as often as possible and there would be dinners with the dads.  I'm just saying, maybe mom and her sister aren't as close as they've always claimed to be.  Did she talk to her sister every day at lunch?  I think not.   Did they write letters with an equivalent frequency as we exchange e-mails? Nope.   Did Aunt C try to visit at least once a year and vice versa?  My mom lived for 30 years in Maryland and her sister didn't visit once.  I see my sister at least once a year, twice if I can afford it, and she comes to visit here at least as often.  So clearly, D and I are way better at this sister thing.  Not that this is some sort of competition or anything, but we still win.

The point is that my mom's family isn't that close so, when I received the text from my mother reminding me it was GD's 85th birthday, the only reason I sent flowers was to please my mother.  I like to make her happy and she likes to see her mom happy.  So if sending flowers to a woman I haven't seen in over three years is going to make mom happy, I can do that.  If it gives and old woman some small amount of pleasure before she shuffles off this mortal coil, then who is it going to hurt except my budget.  Once day she will die and I will be sad for my mother.  But I don't know that  I will feel that overwhelming grief I remember at my paternal grandmother's funeral.

I think often about the inevitable death of my own parents.  I don't like those thoughts when I have them, I would rather believe that they'll live forever and things will never change.  But that is incredibly foolish and highly unrealistic.  Everyone dies at some point.  I wonder if it would be easier if one or the other died first.  How would I handle it, how would I move on with my life, etc.  I think I would be equally as devastated.  Especially if my 85 year old grandmother outlived them.

Dogsitting

I agreed to dog sit for my Dad this week so that he wouldn't have to put their beautiful black lab in a kennel while they were on vacation.  Though, they refer to her kennel as the spa because she gets to play on a farm with other dogs and then they wash and massage her twice a week.  So it's not like it was a hardship for the dog.  It's probably a little bit more difficult for the dog having me watch her.  (I work a full time job when she's used to my dad being home all day and I don't get home until 7 when she's used to being fed at 4, etc.)

What I was not prepared for was the level of training Delilah has in her daily routine.  I do not mean the training that my dads' have given her, but rather the training she has given them.  This weekend, she started trying to wake me up at 4am.  I was able to ignore her until 6am when she proceeded to stand on me and lick my face until I got up.  I was not as upset about this 6 am business as I know this is when my step-dad goes to work and figured he probably fed her before he left.  So I stumbled out of bed and put food in her bowl then went straight back to sleep.  At 7 am I hear Delilah barking downstairs.  I thought there was someone at the front door or that maybe she had to go outside so I went downstairs again. 

I opened the back door to let her outside into the yard and she firmly sat down on the rug by the refrigerator.  She looked from me to the treat back on top of the fridge and then back to me.  Then she barked at me.   I texted my dad real quick to ask about this behavior and he said, "oh yes she always eats and then gets a treat."  I just thought it was incredibly funny that the dog had to wake me up again because I had "forgotten" the treat part of it.

This morning it was pretty much the same thing.  I didn't want to wake up at 4 am, I wanted to wake up at 8 am.  So I told her to lie down and go back to sleep.  Which she did until 6am when she started throwing herself against the bed frame so I would wake up.  When that didn't work she stood over me, again, and licked my face.  She is very demanding.  At this point I remembered the treat business since I didn't want to have to get up again before my alarm went off.  It was this moment when I realized how she had trained the dads.

The Cathartic Karaoke Trifecta

Taking a cue from my recent Glee Spree, I went out for Karaoke the other night with the Dads. The bar wasn't very crowded as it was Fourth of July Weekend so we were able to sing several songs.

My Song Choices:

Celo Green's "Forget You"
The Tractors' "Baby Likes To Rock It"
Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle"
Melanie's "Look What They've Done To My Song, Ma"
Lily Allen's "Smile"

What possessed me to sing "Baby Likes to Rock It," I have no idea.  I haven't heard that song in ages let alone sung along to it.  I was very upset because I had rocked the house with Celo Green's song.  Everyone had to tell me how great it was and how well I did.  Then came the travesty that was "Baby Likes to Rock It" and I was devastated.  So I decided to go with songs that I belt out in the car all the time.  The Cathartic Trifecta, as my dad called it.  Clearly Celo Green's "Forget You" is an obvious choice, Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle" probably not as much but it fits the theme, and Lily Allen's "Smile" rounds out my I-am-working-so-hard-to-be-so-over-you trio.

Mark pulled me into a duet with Melanie's "Look What They've Done To My Song, Ma." I sang a little too hard and strained my voice.  It had that raspy bar voice going on, which kind of worked when it was my turn to sing Lily Allen's "Smile."  I was glad that the bar patrons were as willing to forget my foray into Tractors territory as I was.  Now I am wondering what I should sing next week...

Baltimore Pride 2011

Another Father's Day, another Pride Parade in Baltimore.  I think it was a little more crowded than it has been in previous years.  I don't know if it was the less than obnoxiously hot weather or the draw of a much larger parade.  Actually, I'm not 100% sure the parade was actually larger or if it just seemed that way.

We had the usual dinner at Sammy's and I definitely ate far too much.  I enjoyed myself for the most part, but after they went over to Leon's I lost interest in being there.  I was reminded of where I was last year and reflected too much on where I am this year.  It was this same bar where I was so excited over meeting my now ex.  I had spent more time than was polite on the phone with him outside the bar and he'd wanted me to meet his friends in DC.  It was one of two invitations I received for that particular group and neither time worked out.  I sort of wonder now if that could have made any difference.  But that is foolish thinking.  It didn't happen that way and if we'd been in the same place, looking for the same things, I wouldn't be where I am now and the what ifs wouldn't have mattered either way.