Ten years ago, I made a decision about my personal life. I checked off one of life's milestones and haven't looked back since. I was completely mad for this guy. And even though I had been religious in my middle school/early high school years, I came to the realization that I really wanted to have sex with my boyfriend. It was something of an internal struggle for several months because I knew what I'd been taught but my heart was telling me something completely different. I couldn't resolve these conflicting desires (the desire to be "good" and the desire to be with my boyfriend) so, I talked about it with my mother, my source for spiritual guidance, and her only advice was that, while she would prefer I not have sex before marriage, it was my own life and I had to make the decision for myself. She also encouraged me to consider any and all consequences and judge whether or not I could handle them. Then, I talked about it with my aunt, my source for worldly guidance, and her advice was that I should make sure to protect myself. She also asked me if I was sure this was the right person. She said that that particular event in life would be something I'd always remember and the person I was with would forever be connected to that memory.
And, looking back now, that was probably the best advice I could have gotten on the subject. It is the first piece of advice I offer to the new crop of youngins, after reminding them to make sure they protect themselves of course. Because it is now ten years later and I do remember that day. When I think of that moment in my life, it is connected to the person I was with. And you know what? Even with the things that happened after and even with the way that relationship ended, I don't regret making that decision. And I celebrate that decision on this particular date every year and re-evaluate how I feel about it. I can still say that it was a positive choice and I'm grateful that I wasn't completely ignorant of the impact that decision would have on my life. I'm glad that I had people I could talk to openly and honestly about it and that I took my time to think instead of following whatever impulse I had in the moment.
But thinking about how I viewed sex then and where I am now, I can't help but laugh at myself. If I were able to go back and talk to my 20 year old self, I don't know that I could say anything that would have made that decision easier. The person I was then is most certainly not who I am now. I know that this was part of a chapter in the volume of my life and so much of where I've been plays a part in where I am going. I truly believe we are the sum of our life experiences and I hope that I will continue to make positive decisions that will help me to grow and change over time. That I can look back ten years from now and realize that I've matured so much. I hope that I don't look back on decisions and cringe with embarrassment or regret. And I hope I can love who I will be at 40 just as much as I love who I am at 30 and who I was at 20.
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