Restore Church::Experiencing Life

Went with my aunt and cousin to the Easter service at their church this weekend.  It's a newer church in my hometown and apparently has all the older, established churches concerned.  After my visit, I can see why.  I was directed to park in a vacant lot across the street from what we call Reverend Pittam's church.  (I'm not really sure why we call it that other than, obviously, there is/was a Reverend Pittam and this was his church.) As I got out of my car, the music coming from the church caught my attention.  It sounded like a party or a local rock band show was inside.  There were several people wearing red t-shirts that said "Restore Church Dream Team" on them.  They were all greeting people and handing out "care packages" to new comers.  I declined to interact with these people as I was looking for my aunt, but my understanding is that the bags they were handing out contained some basic info about the church, a bible, and a few other religious themed goodies.

Once inside, the lighting was darker as if attending a performance or, again, local rock show.  There was a stage up front with fancy show lighting and a full band.  People were crowded near the back by the coffee bar and snack table.  They were all "fellowshipping" with one another and I thought it was interesting that the church set this up before the service and not after like the Baptist church used to do.  The snack table had a beautiful spread of donuts, bagels, yogurt, fruit, and cupcakes decorated with Peeps.  The healthier options were prominently displayed and I was surprised when, during the sermon, people got up to help themselves to more snacks.  The whole place exuded a sense of welcome and had a laid back atmosphere.  Many people were there in jeans and t-shirts and even those in their Sunday best didn't seem to mind.

Even though this was their third service for the day, there was very little about it that felt practiced or rehearsed.  Obviously, the music had that rehearsed feeling but my concern is always with the sermon.  I've been to big "McChurches" where the pastor tells the same jokes and makes the same points anywhere from 4-10 times in a day.  By the tenth performance, it doesn't have that genuine feel to it anymore and I tend to zone out.  But this pastor was clearly passionate about what he was doing.  His sermon didn't feel like he was playing for an audience, even though I know there had to be some recycled jokes.  He was energetic and enthusiastic which is important for any presentation.

The church also has networking down to a science.  They made use of social media and modern technology to engage with their congregation even outside of the typical Sunday service.  I heard a couple of stories about how the leadership team made a point to contact someone when they noticed the person had posted on Facebook about a sad or difficult time they were going through.  I also noticed one or two key people from the older, established churches helping out during the service.  They seem to recognize talent whether it's with children, technology, music, speaking, etc.  It makes me wish they'd been around when my mother was in town.  They could have used her talents to their utmost effectiveness and she would have benefited from the joy of spreading her love of God.

It was interesting to visit, though I felt more like an observer than a participant.  This has been my reaction to most church services of late.  I pick apart the service like a performance or presentation and don't feel as moved as I did when I was younger.  I don't know if this is cynicism or just that I've grown up and can recognize intentional manipulation.  (To be fair, I do the same with certain movie plot lines.)  Perhaps this is a sign that business school really is suited for me, but I kept thinking about the whole experience as if the church were trying to sell me a product.  Which, of course, they are.  It's just weird for me to think about it in those terms.

B-School Application: Goal Essay Rough Draft

One of the most influential novels I've ever read was A Passage to India, by E.M. Forster.  It presents two divergent cultures, one that appreciates the artistry in everything and one that cannot see the forest for the trees, and the main question in Forster's novel is whether or not they can co-exist peacefully in India.  I find that I identify more and more with this central theme as my Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, from University of Maryland Baltimore County (UMBC), is seemingly in direct contrast to my pursuit of a Masters of Science in Accounting.  However, like the characters in Forster's novel, there is a common element that unites the two disciplines. 

Just as Dr. Aziz and Professor Fielding have a mutual respect for one another that transcends the bonds of their individual cultures, the study of English Literature involves the development of one's analytical skills which are crucial to a career in Accounting.  In my current position as a Materials Assistant at Safenet, Inc., my ability to recognize the importance the small details play in the larger financial reporting picture has allowed me to become a valued member of my team. Unencumbered by the rote technique used by my associates, I am able to draw conclusions from our accounting data that would otherwise have gone unnoticed and communicate them effectively to other departments.  However, the skills I have acquired in the accounting field are only the cornerstone to the educational foundation I need to be successful within my company. 

The Masters of Science in Accounting program offered by American University will allow me to learn proper procedures and processes that can be implemented in my day to day job.  Thereby allowing me to become an important asset to my company.  With six years in the accounting field, I will be able to provide real world experience from small business, large corporation, and goverment contractor perspectives.  My current employee, Safenet, Inc. is also planning to go public in the near future, so I will be able to provide first hand knowledge of that process as we prepare ourselves for our IPO.

I could easily see my future at Safenet, Inc. as my current supervisor just received her twenty years of service award and she is the person I most want to emulate in my professional life.  Ultimately, however, I would like to use my current knowledge of government accounting practices and the technical knowledge of Accounting I will gain from studying at American University to secure a managerial position in the financial offices at the Library of Congress.  Being a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature and having work experience in Accounting, I cannot think of a better environment for these two disciplines to co-exist.  Washington, D.C. is the beautiful combination of so many cultures and educational backgrounds and it has always been a dream of mine to work and live there.

As discussed in E.M. Forster's novel, A Passage to India, human beings have a drive and ambition to tame the wilderness around them; to make sense out of chaos and have some measure of control.  My pursuit of an advanced degree in Accounting stems from that desire to label and organize our world into easily digested pieces of information, but I can also recognize how those pieces fit together to create an intricate mosaic that represents an entire company.

B-School Applications: Personal Statement

Having taken the GMAT, my next focus needs to be on actually applying to schools.  Filling out the application is fairly easy (I know my own name, etc).  It's the personal statement, or essays, that are giving me a panic right now.  I know that I can write, and I write well, but the problem is choosing a topic and then trying to display my abilities in the best light possible.  I've never been good at recognizing or talking about my accomplishments, especially to other people.

So I started looking up websites online, trying to get a good idea of where to start, and I came across this helpful article by Valeria Vegas.  It suggests brainstorming by answering a bunch of questions.  One of the questions that caught my attention was the following:

Is the any work of literature, piece of art, or music that has made a tremendous impact on your life? Why?

Of course, there is!  I've talked about how a lot of my life philosophy comes from A Passage to India by E.M. Forster.  So much so, apparently, that it was one of the coolest gifts I received this year. (A friend purchased a second printing of the first edition for me.)  It's really been a while since I've outlined exactly what those philosophies are and where they are addressed in the book.  Maybe this is an excellent opportunity to revisit that. Maybe I could start with my favorite quote about how the majority of beings don't give a rat's ass how the world is governed.  Then go into the problems human beings face with their own mortality and leaving some sort of legacy behind.   Isn't that a major reason for why I'm doing all of this?  Of course, this type of essay may not work for the University of Maryland application deadline on February 2.  I think it will involve re-reading A Passage to India and, no, that's not some excuse to waste time reading.

Then there is the following, standard question:

Where do you see yourself in ten years? In twenty years? How about fifty years from now?

That's a fairly simple question, isn't it?  Though where I saw myself ten years ago is not where I am now and I am almost certain that where I see myself ten years from now will not be where I end up.  There are so many factors and curve balls that life throws at you, how can you possibly say with any certainty "this is what I'm doing"?  I mean que sera, sera and what not.  Which brings me back to my A Passage to India - the outcome has already been decided.  I also imagine that a lot of people will take this route when writing their essays, so it won't be very original and it certainly won't help me stand out.  My undergrad GPA is not the best and my GMAT score is not what I'd hoped it would be.  This is where I have that opportunity to showcase one of my actual talents and what if I mess it up.

Then there is this one:

What is your most dominant personality trait? Would your family and friends agree?

It's a little bit like filling out those online dating questionnaires.  What is the first thing people notice about you?  What do you think is your best feature? Describe your ideal mate?  etc.  But it makes me wonder, what IS my dominant personality trait?  Is it kindness, adaptability, determined?  If you were to ask me about my sister, I would say she's motivated, focused, and stubborn.  In good ways, of course.  If I had half of what she does, I wouldn't be worried about getting into Business School.

Though, I think this one would allow me to discuss my dismal undergrad GPA and give some sort of explanation:

Did you suffer through a particularly difficult time in your life? Why was it so tough and how did your outlook change once the difficulty passed?

I can talk about the difficulties of living with an emotionally abusive step-parent and dealing with an ill mother.  I mean there is a wealth of information in that sentence alone.  How I had to work a full time job while attending school because I was the first person in my family to go to college and we really couldn't afford it.  That in dealing with a needy mother, a hostile home life, supporting myself, and sometimes my sister it's amazing that I did as well as I did.  But maybe that will look too much like I want their pity and I don't ever want that from anyone.  If I wrote it correctly, it would highlight my strengths.  But then, I think about so many other kids that had it worse.  My situation was bad, don't get me wrong, but it could have been so much worse.

Then we have:

Have you ever had a moment of true surprise or an epiphany? How did it change you?

I think the most recent epiphany I've had is that I can actually do Math.  My experience with the GMAT has shaken that a little bit, but overall I am still surprised that I do as well as I do.  Or rather, it's probably more accurate to say, that I'm surprised other people don't do as well as I do.  This came when I was taking the Accounting class this summer.  My sister hated Accounting.  So I was really nervous about taking the class myself.  I was not the "smart one,"  I was the "sweet one" and, if my sister had a difficult time with it, how could I possibly do any better?  But it turns out I understood it and did really well.  I've been able to help a local bar with their records because I "get" it.  Am I great at it?  Probably not, but I could be really good at it with the proper training and education.  It was just surprising to realize that I could be good at both words and numbers.

Existential Joss Whedon

I picked up a copy of The Existential Joss Whedon: Evil and Human Freedom in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, and Serenity, by J. Michael Richardson and J. Douglas Rabb, on the Kindle app on my phone.  (Normal copy would cost about $35 and the Kindle edition was $15.)  I have only read through about 14% of it, but I am having a hard time putting it down.  First of all, it discusses important plot lines and character development from one (some) of my favorite shows.  Second, it breaks down Existentialism into digestible pieces of information that I can comprehend.

The one that caught my attention last night was in chapter three, entitled "Buffy, Faith, and Bad Faith: Choosing to Be the Chosen One."  In the chapter it starts discussing Jean-Paul Sartre and the episode of Firefly, "Objects in Space."  The Richardson and Rabb talk about Sartre's idea of freedom.

We also encounter other people.  Unlike mere physical objects, they too have freedom, plans and projects which may, Sartre would say must, conflict with our own.  To reduce this conflict we do what we can, always in Bad Faith, to negate their freedom or to deny our own freedom.  At some level, we also want to be recognized by these other persons, but recognized as free conscious beings, not the mere things or objects to which they, also in Bad Faith, would like to reduce us in order to preserve their own precious freedom.  

And it just sort of clicked for me.  Of course, the example in the book of a woman out on a date could have helped with that as well.  It is incredibly easy to think of other people as two dimensional characters or objects filling up the spaces in our lives.  We are the center of our own lives; the stars of our own sitcoms, if you will, and everyone else is a supporting cast member. 

When I'm driving, usually home from a long day, I often think about the people in the other cars on the road.  They are all going somewhere, with some agenda in mind, and we wish everyone else would get off the road so we could get where we're going faster.  I often think that my problem is that I "deny [my] own freedom" too much when interacting with other people.  I'm far more concerned about the well being of others than I am about myself.  I have this sense of fairness that few people seem to have.  I will be paralyzed by indecision or avoid a situation altogether rather than make a choice that will cause someone to be harmed in some way.  Of course, this is not healthy and I am getting better at it. 

Personality Tests

So I took one of those online test thingies -


Turns out my personality type on the Meyers-Briggs is ESFJ.  I'm not really sure what that means, but according to the Keirsey Temperament Website it convieniently linked to it is this:

 Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Conversations Overheard



"Nomance Day" from The NoNonsense Man

 Today, my sister called me before work to share an interesting interview she'd heard on the radio,  Marc Rudov was issuing his fifth annual dare to men to boycott Valentine's day.  Now I've been to his website and a lot of his rhetoric is very harsh, but I have to admit he has a point. 

He points out that all the commercials for Valentine's day are geared towards men buying for women and he's absolutely right.  The best example he has on his site is the JCPenny ad featuring men in the doghouse.  It has its moments, but there is this underlying commentary that there are certain expectations in society.  Rudov's site isn't the most appealing to women, he tends to focus on how women use men for their money, etc.  But he does point out in one of his articles that the injustice is towards both men and women; that there is an entire generation growing up and learning that certain behaviors are acceptable.  Rudov points out that teaching young men and women that expensive gifts and "forced generosity" are expected in exchange for certain privileges creates an acceptable form of prostitution.  It teaches men not to respect women as equals and women to accept this secondary status in exchange for goods.  It produces this mass hysteria that if you don't find the right gift or expression your lover will deny you.  That's not what love or relationships should be about.

 My female co-worker asked me the other day what I was going to do for Valentine's day and I said that I didn't think we had any plans.  I have to work at my second job that day and I just don't feel the frenzy to do something.  (If I were single I think I'd be in a frenzy about making sure I did something with my single friends so I didn't feel left out, but that is another issue altogether.)  My co-worker was appalled, "But you have to do something for Valentine's day!"  No, actually I don't.  It was this moment when I ceased to care about the holiday.  As you may recall, from one of my previous entries, I was unsure whether I should get something or not.  I don't like being told I have to do something, call me contrary, and I will go out of my way to do the exact opposite. 

Rudov doesn't seem to favor marriage, at least not as he perceives it in current society, and after a conversation I overheard at work today I wonder if he doesn't have a point. The same female co-worker was talking to one of our male co-workers about what he was going to get his girlfriend for Valentine's.  He said he wasn't sure and my female co-worker offered to help him.  She started off with asking him how much he wanted to spend and offered $100 as a starting point.  I couldn't believe it.  I guess my male co-worker declined that amount and my female co-worker started lowering the cost.  When she got below $50 she got this tone to her voice and asked my male co-worker if he was serious.  Again, I couldn't believe that there were these expectations. 
When the female co-worker was asked what she was doing for Valentine's, she went into detail about the things she wanted from her husband but said that she was planning a gag-gift for him.  Again, here is that double-standard that is present in society.  She eventually talked my male co-worker into finding a day spa or incredibly expensive restaurant and instructed him to buy flowers and some sort of sexy underwear.  This is exactly what Marc Rudov is talking about on his website!  The guy is buying the food, flowers, pampering for his lady and the idea is that sex will be guaranteed at the end of it.

I don't know about you, but I would be insulted.  First of all, I'd rather buy my own sexy whatever as I want to make sure I am comfortable no matter what.  (Comfort and confidence is the number one key to feeling and being sexy.)  Second of all, that is something that should never be assumed just as one should never assume that expensive gifts will be lavished upon one's self.  My guy prefers to pay for dinner or drinks and I certainly appreciate it, but I never expect it. And I make a point to pay for the movie if he bought dinner, or the wine if he bought the groceries for dinner at home, etc.  Sometimes, I like to take him out and treat him.  Though I have to admit this happens less frequently than I would like, but he understands.  The minute you start taking something for granted is the minute you stop appreciating it.  I don't ever want him to feel like I don't appreciate him and the things he does or that I am taking advantage of him in some way.  I think this is where the boycott Valentine's day comes from more than anything else.  One should never take advantage of another human being for any reason, real or imagined.

Philosophy of Language

I took a class in college, a 400 level course, about the philosophy of language.  It was, without a doubt, the most difficult English class I've ever had to take, but it is the one that I reference most often when talking about literature and society.  The biggest problem for me was simply getting outside of my own head.  The teacher told us that "you don't think language, language thinks you."  Our language is the sum of years of social development and it changes all the time.  There are connotations to words that we simply know because we were taught them; spoon fed to us with our Gerber's every second of every day of our lives. 

The best example the professor gave was the phrase "you throw like a girl."  It's an insult, we all know it's an insult, but how do we know it?  There's only one word in that whole phrase that makes it an insult.  The connotations around the word, "girl," were already built in when we learned it.  Do a little word association with yourself and list the top-ten things that come to mind when someone says, "woman."  Now with the word, "man."  I can almost guarantee that you have two very different lists.  Take a look at those top-ten words, what connotations do they have?  Is this because every woman, or every man, you've ever met has exhibited those exact ten characteristics?  Probably not.  It will be based on your own personal history as well as that of our society.

The same goes for any word in our language.  Have you ever asked yourself why a curse word is bad?  Why is it a curse word in the first place?  Why isn't "hand" or "bottle" a bad word?  Because of the meaning that has been assigned to them.  To borrow from Shakespeare, and an overused example, does calling a rose by any other name change what it physically is?  No, but one could not put a different word in that sentence and have it mean exactly the same thing.  The point will be the same, but there will be a whole different set of images and experience called to mind.  Try the word, "foot," for example.  Now that sentence may not be as pleasant.

Which brings me to this Huckleberry Finn issue I overheard on the radio at lunch.  I've already written about it on my book blog and won't repeat myself too much on this one.  But consider the different connotations with the words and ask yourself which one you'd use.  Certainly one of them is nicer in current society, but the other conveys a certain message that is important to the book as a whole.  It helps the reader to immediately understand what kind of person a character is, simply by their use of this word.  Can that be achieved to the same effectiveness with the replacement word?

I am still working all of this out in my head and may add to this entry even after it's posted because I feel that my thoughts are only half-formed.