My sister, D, and I have been talking about the idea of "chosen families" lately. It started with the death of our grandmother and our mother's reaction to her mother's death vs. the death of her former mother-in-law. There are obvious differences, of course, like how my father's mother died suddenly and unexpectedly while my mother's mother held on for 5 days and was only unconscious for 1 of those. But the one thing my sister and I never realized was the difference in the relationships our mother had with each of those women. Even in the healthiest of families nothing is ever perfect and relationships are complicated at best.
We compared it to the close friendships our father has with other members of the LGBT community. How they would often opt to gather at a friend's house for traditional family holiday celebrations. My mother certainly did this with our father's family and I have often felt that the genuine care and concern was mutual. Sometimes we bend under the weight of parental expectations and fall into old family roles long after we've grown out of them. Returning home for a visit is so very frequently a struggle between who we were and who we've become. I have no doubt that this was a serious problem for my mother when she returned to take care of my grandmother seven years ago and I think there was a certain amount of relief felt.
Most recently, though, we've discussed the Intentional Family idea because of a situation she and her fiancée, A, are facing with their upcoming Wedding. One of A's grandparents has already told her they do not want an invitation to the wedding because they do not support their decision to marry, citing religious reasons. It's disappointing and upsetting. It was even worse when, after a relative's death, her mother and brother were invited to stay at her grandparent's house but she was denied the hospitality because they didn't support her "lifestyle." Regardless of your personal beliefs, especially at a time when family is grieving the loss of a loved one, there is still a human being at the core and they should be treated with the same level of compassion. Most recently, A suffered another disappointment when her brother declined the invitation to be a attendant at the wedding. Again, citing religious beliefs. This came as a major blow because, until that moment, she had no idea that her brother was not supportive.
My sister and I are very close. I've never taken that relationship for granted, but I've also never realized how truly rare that is. I can't even begin to fathom what it is like to hear that your sibling does not accept you for who you truly are. From almost the very beginning of their relationship, I have felt that A has been a member of our family. My mother has also been very welcoming, calling A her "third daughter" well before they were officially engaged. And I think this is because my mother knows what it is like to have a difficult relationship with one's birth family and she recognized a kind of kindred spirit in need of reassurance, acceptance, and love. My father and step-father have also felt that she's family. We've planned vacations together as a family and when our grandmother died, A was there. She was there not because she had to be or just to support D, but because she wanted to be there for our mother at a time when it was most needed.
And this is the point of family. Whether it is chosen, intentional, or birth, a family is meant to be supportive through the difficult times. They are a calm place where we can go and be loved for just being ourselves and sometimes in spite of being ourselves. From here we draw the strength to face the challenges of the outside world. We don't always have to agree on things but we have to always respect one another as individuals and as human beings.
