5 Year Goals

A little less than five years ago, I started down a path.  I took a class at the local community college to see if I liked Accounting and if I thought it was something I could pursue realistically.  For someone who had always been, "The Writer," and "not good at math," it was incredibly freeing to realize that there was something analytical that I was really good at doing.  The reason I had never felt completely comfortable with the 'artsy' label was that it wasn't the only side to me.

This spring, I will hopefully graduate from Towson with my Masters in Accounting and Business Advisory Services.  Then I have to consider what to do next.  I should take the CPA and I will probably end up doing that.  But I find it to be very intimidating and my career path has become slightly different in the last five years.

At the time I started the Masters program, five years felt like such a long time.  And now it's here and it doesn't feel like it was that long ago I started.  Perhaps this is how long term goals feel once they're achieved, or nearly achieved.  When we're looking at the road before us it seems long and winding and unfamiliar, but when we look back over where we've been it's no longer a mystery.

A Season of Loss

Tomorrow, my sister and her fiancée, A,  will say goodbye to A's uncle at a funeral service in Georgia.  Shortly before the Thanksgiving holiday, he was found dead in his apartment.  A had been concerned that she hadn't heard from him in a few weeks and she'd been calling around to friends and relatives to see if they'd heard from him.  She even went so far as to search through John Doe lists in a couple of tourist spots he'd talked about visiting after his retirement was finalized in October of this year.

His loss has been an incredible blow to my sister and her fiancée.  He was one of the few family member's A has that was supportive.  He was able to offer advice in the same way that a father would and he gave her the sense of family that she isn't able to get from her immediate family.  And vice versa.  It's a truly tragic event.

I was not close to him and I don't know much about his story.  I do know that his family cast him out for being gay and he had to make a life of his own at the tender age of 18. He did not get the same benefit of college or other financial assistance from his family yet he was able to have a successful career and do well for himself.  I have heard so many other stories from the LGBT community where family disownment did not have such a positive outcome.  So I know how difficult it must have been to carve out this life for himself.

We spent most of Thanksgiving going through papers.  A was his closest relative so the handling of his estate has fallen to her until they can confirm the status of a will and his actual wishes.  There were stacks of papers and photographs, thank you letters from his clients, travel brochures, and investment information.  An entire life flattened and categorized.

There have been a few people at work that have also lost loved ones recently.  The holidays are hard enough as it is and now they have this added burden that they'll remember every year.   With the joy there will be the dull ache of the loss of this loved one.  I know my grandfather dealt with the memory of his mother's death at Christmas every year.

Historic News

Trying to write my thoughts down quickly.  I just heard that the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) has ruled in favor of same-sex marriages.  The joy I feel is too immense to be captured.

We've been watching the rulings on the SCOTUS live blog for the last two weeks, waiting to see if they would rule on it or not.  And finally, this morning in a 5-4 vote it was determined that the 14th Amendment included same-sex marriages - or, as I like to call them, Marriages.

This means that my sister and her fiancée can get married in their home state.  They can move to any other state in the United States and still have the same rights and protections.  If my sister gets a work assignment in England, her WIFE can go with her without any additional hassle or red tape.

Chosen Families

My sister, D,  and I have been talking about the idea of "chosen families" lately.  It started with the death of our grandmother and our mother's reaction to her mother's death vs. the death of her former mother-in-law.  There are obvious differences, of course, like how my father's mother died suddenly and unexpectedly while my mother's mother held on for 5 days and was only unconscious for 1 of those.  But the one thing my sister and I never realized was the difference in the relationships our mother had with each of those women.  Even in the healthiest of families nothing is ever perfect and relationships are complicated at best.  

We compared it to the close friendships our father has with other members of the LGBT community.  How they would often opt to gather at a friend's house for traditional family holiday celebrations.  My mother certainly did this with our father's family and I have often felt that the genuine care and concern was mutual.  Sometimes we bend under the weight of parental expectations and fall into old family roles long after we've grown out of them.  Returning home for a visit is so very frequently a struggle between who we were and who we've become.  I have no doubt that this was a serious problem for my mother when she returned to take care of my grandmother seven years ago and I think there was a certain amount of relief felt.

Most recently, though, we've discussed the Intentional Family idea because of a situation she and her fiancée, A,  are facing with their upcoming Wedding.  One of  A's grandparents has already told her they do not want an invitation to the wedding because they do not support their decision to marry, citing religious reasons.  It's disappointing and upsetting.  It was even worse when, after a relative's death, her mother and brother were invited to stay at her grandparent's house but she was denied the hospitality because they didn't support her "lifestyle."  Regardless of your personal beliefs, especially at a time when family is grieving the loss of a loved one, there is still a human being at the core and they should be treated with the same level of compassion.  Most recently, A suffered another disappointment when her brother declined the invitation to be a attendant at the wedding.  Again, citing religious beliefs.  This came as a major blow because, until that moment, she had no idea that her brother was not supportive.

My sister and I are very close.  I've never taken that relationship for granted, but I've also never realized how truly rare that is.  I can't even begin to fathom what it is like to hear that your sibling does not accept you for who you truly are.  From almost the very beginning of their relationship, I have felt that A has been a member of our family.  My mother has also been very welcoming, calling A her "third daughter" well before they were officially engaged.  And I think this is because my mother knows what it is like to have a difficult relationship with one's birth family and she recognized a kind of kindred spirit in need of reassurance, acceptance, and love.  My father and step-father have also felt that she's family.  We've planned vacations together as a family and when our grandmother died, A was there. She was there not because she had to be or just to support D, but because she wanted to be there for our mother at a time when it was most needed.

And this is the point of family.  Whether it is chosen, intentional, or birth, a family is meant to be supportive through the difficult times.  They are a calm place where we can go and be loved for just being ourselves and sometimes in spite of being ourselves.  From here we draw the strength to face the challenges of the outside world.  We don't always have to agree on things but we have to always respect one another as individuals and as human beings.

Healthy Living - Again

I'm trying to get back on the wagon with taking care of myself.  This means, eating properly and exercising regularly.  Not to mention getting enough sleep, wearing sunscreen, and using sulfate free shampoos on my hair.  It's not easy to do on a regular basis while keeping up with the other demands of life, aka work and school.

6 years ago I lost over 40 pounds on weight watchers, in the last 3 years I've gained it all back.  2 years ago, I didn't lose any weight but I converted the fat into muscle and dropped several inches from my waistline.  The problems that led to ending up back where I started haven't gone away.  I have one year left of school and work is still a stressful environment.  But with only a year left of school and several special events coming up after that, I want to get back into my healthy habits.  Life only gets more difficult from here on out and I need to actually nail this down now so I can carry it through.

As you may have read, I lost my grandmother last month.  She had diabetes and other health problems that could have been avoided with simple steps in her youth.  I want to make sure that I am doing those things now and not taking my health for granted.  I'm already noticing parts of me deteriorating and I need to halt as much as I can for as long as I can.  This takes discipline and hard work.

I want to create healthy habits that will be passed down to my children, eventually, and I don't want them to struggle with this the way that I have.  I want to be a good example for them and show them how life can be lived to the fullest while not indulging in every single impulse that comes along.

The End of an Era

In May, my last grandparent passed away. We weren't exceptionally close, but she was still my grandmother.

It started with a call from my mother saying that Grandma had fallen and they were taking her to the hospital.  I didn't think much about it because she had fallen before and was able to recover.  But at 88 years old, there's always cause for concern.  It turns out that she had a heart attack the previous day and had ignored the warning signs.  She'd opted not to go to the hospital and went to bed instead. The damage to her heart was permanent by the time she fell and there was nothing to do but wait.

My sister and I arrived in Florida the same evening, but didn't get to see Grandma in the hospital until the following day.  She stayed in the ICU for 3 days and was then moved to Hospice care.  I have to say that the staff at Hospice of Marion County were fantastic.  They were very respectful to my grandmother and very helpful to the rest of the family.  We're also incredibly grateful to the help provided by the Salvation Army Center of Hope so that we didn't have to worry about ridiculous hotel fees.

When my father's parents died, it was sudden and we didn't have time to get there.  When my mother's father died, I was very young so it affected me differently.  For this grandparent, though, we were able to say goodbye and spend time with her at the very last of her days.  It was a surreal experience that I hope to never repeat, though I know that at some point I may have to.  With knowing that my parents are now orphans comes the realization that they're the next generation to go.

Certainly, there could be a terrible accident that could take another family member sooner, but for all intents and purposes they're the next on the list of possibilities.  This is a frightening realization for me and something on which I try not to dwell.  But it certainly makes me question a lot of things in my life and wonder what kind of story people will tell about me when they have to speak over my coffin.

New Year Thoughts

I recently learned that a friend from my high school days passed away.  I can't say we were incredibly close, we probably haven't spoken since our graduation.  But I would see her posts on Facebook and we would occasionally exchange comments on photos.  I know she had a great sense of humor, a beautiful family, and was incredibly helpful to other friends who were struggling with a similar disease.  Our 15 year reunion would have been this year, but no one actually planned the event.  When I e-mailed about the reunion in September the response was, "I guess we'll just have to wait for the 20 year."  Like we had all the time in the world.

But the reality is that we don't and we, as human beings, take so many things for granted.   Last year, I talked about focusing more on experiences and less on things.  Unfortunately, I don't think I did a very good job of it as the year went on.  So my thoughts have been on this the last couple of days. 

• My Health - I take it for granted.  I'm not doing the things I need to do to keep me healthy.  The fact that I haven't had any major health problems is pure luck.
• School & my Future - It's been this nebulous thing.  A general direction I'm headed in, but without any light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm finally starting my first semester of graduate classes after finishing up the pre-reqs last semester.  It's real.  This time next year I'll be stressing about graduation.
• My Friends - I've not made the effort I'd like to to try and keep up with people.  Having drinks or going out is like pulling teeth since I've started school.  It feels like depression, but it's really just that I enjoy my free time to do nothing.
• My Family - This is another area where I need to make more of an effort.  Shane is going off to the Marines in a few months and this may be the last real time I get to spend with him.
• My Finances - I'm not keeping track the way I need to and a few difficult decisions may need to be made.  They're not completely out of hand, but I've run up some serious debt again.  If I want to be the successful adult I envision after graduate school, I need to get this other debt in hand so it doesn't interfere with student loans and life plans.

We become so busy with the details of life that we miss out on the bigger picture.  We don't keep up the relationships that support us through the difficult times and then we wonder why everything is so difficult.