Chick-fil-A

There has been a lot of conversation about Chick-fil-A recently and my Facebook news feed is full of diverging opinions on the issue.  One of my very dear, childhood friends has even posted in support of the corporation.  On one hand, I completely support freedom of speech and will defend Chick-fil-A's right to say whatever they believe without fear of repercussions from the government, Mayor of Boston I'm looking at you.  On the other,  I have every right not to patronize that establishment and support those views or help fund those organizations that Chick-fil-A finances.  But those aren't even the issues anymore.  We're not fighting about freedom of speech, we're fighting about religion and who is more right than whom.
My friend's reasons are that Chick-fil-A supports the "biblical" definition of marriage and isn't afraid to stand up for its beliefs.  She sees it as Daniel in the lion's den, being persecuted for the same Christian beliefs she has.  This makes me sadder than Chick-fil-A Dan Cathy's announcement that they're "guilty as charged." It means that she also subscribes to the belief that homosexuality is against God and doesn't support same-sex marriage rights at all; that all of the conversations we've had are for naught.  When my dad first came out to me, she was the first friend I told and it was never a big deal or a problem.  It's only been after her marriage that we've started to disagree on these issues.  I would say it's the influence of her husband, but her mother shared the exact same posts on Facebook.  So perhaps I didn't really know her as well as I thought I did.

Part of the Dan Cathy announcement was that they believed in the "biblical" definition and all of Chick-fil-A's executives were married to their first wives.  The implication is that the "biblical" definition of marriage doesn't include divorced/remarried and when they support Families, they don't include single parent households.  When we start setting up these definitions of what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to love and family, where do we draw the line?  Now, it is the LGBT community but it could just as easily be divorcees or interracial couples.

Then we come to the organizations that are actually being funded by a Chick-fil-A purchase.  I don't want to support organizations that hate my family or would have rather seen me grow up in foster care than in the environment I did.  (To be fair, my step-parent from age 14-24 was like a villain in a fairy tale but that had little to do with my dad being gay and everything to do with his partner being an asshole.  If the step-parent had been married to my mother I'd have endured the same trauma.)  I don't want to give money so that kids can be tortured into acting straight.  I have a friend, who had first hand experience with Exodus International and it breaks my heart to know he, or any child, had to endure that.

The thing that really frightens me, though, is the rhetoric that is being used.  It is far more damaging and dangerous than people realize.  In this argument about whether or not people should boycott Chick-fil-A, the religious conservatives are using language that attempts to dehumanize homosexuals.  When an organization or government succeeds in convincing the public that this or that group is less than human, there is no end to the atrocities that will be committed against those people.  I think about Nazi Germany at times like these.  It wasn't as if the entire country woke up one morning and thought let's put Jewish people in camps.  It started with the little things in society and worked its way up to political campaigns.  An entire nation allowed a group of human beings to be beaten, tested on, and murdered because they were convinced, over time, that those people were subhuman. 

I would like to think that couldn't possibly happen again, especially on that kind of scale and especially in this country.  But the hatred that is brewing in our borders (not just against the LGBT community but also the anger at foreign nationals and immigrants, as well as the animosity between the races, political parties, social classes, and even religious organizations) it feels like that cycle could start again.  The economy isn't great, it's getting better, but it's still a long road.  People are frustrated with the speed of recovery, but we're not the only country that's suffering.   All of these things could be ingredients for that level of violence if we're not conscious of it.

Alternate Futures

I received an e-mail from one of my dad's old church friends last week.  Apparently my father had seen his post about wanting to hire an accounting position at Johns Hopkins so Dad gave him my information.  I don't know a lot of the details about the job as yet, but it would be doing actual accounting for a business and I think it's worth the effort to at least apply.  This would actually be something in my field of study and would be mutually beneficial in pursuing my degree.

I keep asking the universe for direction, so when something is presented to me I have to at least see where it goes.  Maybe this is the opportunity for me and a chance I need to take.  If it doesn't work out at least I have updated my resume and practiced for an interview.  It's easy to get complacent in your job and not strive for anything better so long as you're getting a steady paycheck and you don't hate the people you work with.  As disloyal as I feel sending off my resume to another job, I know that I have to keep my options open for my own well-being.

It is easy to forget that, while your company (or more specifically, your manager) may have a certain loyalty to you, if they needed to cut the workforce to re-align their company spending goals it wouldn't be personal, it would be business.    We've had three rounds of lay-offs since I started work here and each time my manager has been able to make a good case for everyone on our team.  At some point, she may not be able to.  It also means that there isn't a lot of room for my personal growth within the company and that's something I need to consider as well.

Five, or ten, years down the road, what kind of position do I envision myself having at this company?  I will have a Masters degree in Accounting and, as of right now, I would have to go work in our Harford County or California office.  And it seems that they are pulling all accounting to the Harford County office with the introduction of our new accounting system.  Harford County would be more agreeable to me than a move to California, but it's still not where I want to go every day.

Pride 2012

My cousin will be 15 in a month and I thought it was time he went to the Pride Parade in Baltimore.  Not the Block Party afterwards, he's still too young for that, but the family portion with the gay marching band would be just fine.  Over all, we had a great time.  He was able to be himself in a crowd of like-minded people and, even though I made him hold my hand through the crowded areas, he still managed to have someone grab his ass.

B-School: Fall Semester

I have formally decided to attend Towson University, even though I have recently learned the joint program with University of Baltimore is not really "Joint" so much as it's co-operative.  Basically, I can take classes at UB without having to enroll at both schools and with permission from the department head.  However, when I graduate, I will only have a degree from Towson University.  This has apparently caused a lot of confusion with the MS in Accounting & Business Advisory Students.

Now, I am just trying to get my Fall schedule lined up.  Ideally I would like to take Accounting 300 on Monday night and US Business Law on Tuesday nights, but it looks like I might have to take the Management class at 8:00 in the morning on M, W, and F if I can't bypass the pre-requisites.

Wish me luck.

Aunt Louisa




Mommom and Great Aunt Louisa

 
Today would have been Great Aunt Louisa's 82nd Birthday.

She was like a second mother to my father and a second grandmother to me and my sister.

As I've gotten older, I can look back and appreciate her more and I wonder what she would have been like to know as an adult.  I was in my early twenties when she died, but I was still trying to figure things out and couldn't really see her as anything other than a "grown-up."  I have questions, now, that I wish I had known to ask her when she was alive. 

Did she and my grandmother have a similar relationship to me and my sister?
Did she ever want kids of her own?
What did she think her life would be like when she was younger?
Did her current life meet or exceed those expectations?
Who is the first person she would want to greet her in heaven?
What was it like for her when Mommom died?

B-School: Acceptance Letter (The Reach School)

If I was relieved to get my acceptance letter from Towson/UB, you can imagine I am completely shocked to get one from American University in Washington, DC.  I applied there as my reach school, mostly to see if I could but not really expecting to make the cut, and I am just over the moon about my acceptance.  It's #87 out of the top #100 business programs in the country, in THE COUNTRY.  There were 32 students accepted into their program last year and I could be one of them this year.

With Towson and UB I felt that I had met their qualifications so that's why they accepted me, but with American I honestly feel it's because of my efforts with the essays.  The median GMAT and median GPA were both higher than what I had.  I knew that the essays would have to be some kind of amazing in order to get in and I worked my ass off on them.  I had multiple people read and re-read them until I was satisfied.  Writing truly is one of my greatest strengths and I think I had forgotten that somewhere along the way.  (Yes, I write here and at my job but it's never a concentrated effort to achieve something.)  But more importantly, I set a goal and then followed the steps to get to that goal and it completely paid off.  I accomplished what I set out to do and I did it well.

So I know that, regardless of which program I ultimately decide to go with, I will succeed in this long term goal of earning my Master's Degree.  Yes, going to classes for the next 4-7 years is a longer period of time than the last year I've spent preparing for and applying to grad school.  But I know that I have the tools and the ambition to finish whatever I want to set my mind to.  It's a powerful feeling, I'm not really sure how else to describe it.  I need to bottle this for those times when I feel that the walls are closing in on me. 

So often I feel like I am a great pretender, just going through the motions of what I think people expect, and I don't realize that I really am that talented, intelligent, multi-faceted person.  This acceptance is evidence I can hold in my hand that says I really am that good.  But it's so much bigger than that.  It's all those times when my dad's ex would tell me I was stupid or worthless made infinitely smaller in the bigger picture of my life.  It's me not letting that time period define me or control my future - harnessing that negative energy and turning into something positive for myself.  And, if I can do that, hell, I can do anything.

B-School: Acceptance Letter

I received an acceptance letter from the Towson/University of Baltimore joint Master of Science in Accounting and Business Advisory Services program over the weekend.  I hate to say that I was worried I wouldn't be accepted, for the most part I hadn't even entertained that thought - it just wasn't a possibility, but I definitely breathed a sigh of relief when I opened up the envelope and read the word, "Congratulations."  It is conditional acceptance, I think because I have an English Degree and not business, so I'll have to maintain a 3.0 or be dropped from the program altogether.  I'm not worried about that though.  I have a goal in mind and I'm moving forward.

I've scheduled a meeting with the program director for advising and everything seems to be moving forward very nicely.  I estimate it will cost me about $5,000 a semester and my company will reimburse about $5,000 a year, so that means I will take out anywhere from $5,000 to $10,000 a year in student loans.  If I take 2 classes a semester and only attend the fall and spring semesters, it will take me about 6.5 years to finish and about $30, 000 to $60,000 in student loans when all is said and done.  If I take summer and winter classes, I can be finished in 4.5 years and about $30,000 to $45,000 in student loans.

I feel pretty good about this.  By the time I am 35/36 I could have my masters in Accounting.  The next thing to consider will be whether or not I want to seriously consider sitting for the CPA exam.

30 years of the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe

My very first car was the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe.  My mother tells the story about how they had no intention of buying anything that large until one day they were in the toy store and I came zooming around the corner in it.  Of course, I have no way of knowing how accurate that story may or may not be but I like the sound of it.  This was one of my favorite toys growing up.  The sound of the door as it would swing closed and the way the static in the plastic would cause my hair to stand up.  My tiny little milk jug and pretend groceries fit so nicely in the trunk space.  I'm not too crazy about it's newest incarnation though.

Like most car companies, Little Tikes has presented a newer, sleeker model for the next generation.  I'm not sure of the actual measurements but it seems a little bit smaller to me (like the Cadbury Creme Eggs on the shelves this Easter).  The wheels seem sturdier and should allow one's sister to ride on top without fear of bending the wire axle.  And I would bet money that the windshield bars won't pop out unexpectedly during playtime.  Little Tikes has rounded out the features to create a visually pleasing toy and I applaud these efforts.  But is it really necessary to give the Cozy Coupe eyes as if it's a character in Disney's Cars?

Remembering my first car makes me realize why I picked my grown-up car.  Maybe I should consider a custom paint job to make the roof yellow?

Or maybe this should be my next car?

Echoes from the Past

This past week, through the wonders of Facebook, I learned that my former step-sister has been diagnosed with Cancer.  Even though she is now graduated from college and living her grown-up life in Texas, I still think of her as being 12 - 14 years old.  This was the last time I remember seeing her before our parents separated and I just can't believe time hasn't stood still.

We reconnected on Facebook a couple of years ago and I was stunned by her photos.  She's grown into a fairly independent and stunning young woman.  We talked about getting together the next time she was in Maryland visiting her family and even though I agreed I never really made myself available.   I think I couldn't get my head around the possibility that I might have to see her father if we attempted to meet up.  And as I've said on here before, I have no desire to ever see that person again if I can help it.

Now, I just feel like such an asshole.  This girl has had the shit end of the stick for most of her life and I couldn't deal with my issues enough to get coffee with her.  Of the three children, she is the one who can claim a fairly normal life.  Her brothers were always favored by her father, in my opinion, and she suffered a lot of the same treatment visited upon me and my sister.  Her home life in Texas, as I recall, wasn't much easier as her mother was almost equally as unstable as her father.  Her youngest brother had a lot of emotional problems and was thrown out of school for a bomb threat.  Like me, I think she often wished her family was more normal than they were.  Yet, she went to college and graduated.

I am just upset with the universe that this person can have both my father's ex as a legitimate parent and be diagnosed with Cancer at such a young age.  There is something very unfair about it to me.  And I know that life isn't fair and people don't always get what they deserve.

A Decade

Ten years ago, I received a phone call from my then Hallmark manager.  She needed me to come in and cover a shift because the assistant manager's daughter was being taken to the hospital.  It was a Wednesday night and I was out with my family so I didn't get the message until the store had already closed.  I called the next day to see if they still needed me and I learned that the assistant manager's daughter had passed away.

I remember going to the girl's funeral to try and support my assistant manager and I just didn't know what to do.  The daughter had just turned 18 the day before my birthday and she was going to graduate from high school the following month.  Her high school classmates were in tears and her little sister was so withdrawn it broke my heart.  They buried her in her prom dress and I couldn't help but think of my own sister who was 4 months younger.

My sister had been accepted to Oxford College of Emory University, a college that had been suggested by my assistant manager, and every time I would talk about my sister's college experience I felt guilty.  To this day, I hate to talk about anything my sister is doing around my assistant manager because I can't help but wonder what her daughter would be doing now if she had lived.  I don't know that my assistant manager makes the same connection, but I would assume she does.

The little sister is getting married in less than two weeks.  I'm glad that the family will be able to celebrate something joyous for a change.  She's only 23, but I think she has a better understanding of life than any of her peers.  The father has suffered from throat cancer and had an experimental surgery about twenty years ago.  More recently, the experimental surgery has caused him some problems as he's aged and they weren't sure he would live.  Less than two years ago, the little sister almost broke her back.  She was swimming with cousins and made a dive into the water.  The angle she hit the surface caused a chain reaction in her spine and the Doctor's weren't 100% sure she would be able to walk again.  But she pushed through it all and was determined to recover, now she'll walk down the aisle with her father.

I don't know how that family is able to stay as strong as they are.  Collectively, it's the only way to get through all that's happened to them.  But I am more concerned about them on an individual level.  As an outsider, I wonder why so much sadness has been inflicted on them and I can't help but feel they've wondered the same thing.

30 days to live....

The theme of the Easter sermon I heard on Sunday was "30 days to live" and the pastor asked everyone what they would do if they found out they only had that long left in their lives.  He was trying to make a point about how we live our lives on a daily basis and what we should be focused on instead.  Basically, stop worrying about keeping up with the Joneses and start thinking about the legacy you're leaving here on Earth.  Pastor Skip, I'll call him, gave a list of things that he would do if he only had 30 days to live and, though they were admirable, they were not the first things that popped into my mind.

If I were told, with absolute certainty, that I was going to die in 30 days and there wasn't anything I could do about it, I would probably spend the first day completely shell shocked.  The next day I'd probably cry, the third I'd fall apart completely, and by the fourth I would make a list of all the things I wanted to do before my final day.

1. I'd fly my mother up to Maryland.
2. I'd fly my sister up to Maryland.
3. Take the trip to Japan with my sister.
4. See Paris one more time and actually go to the Louvre.
5. Give my 15 year old cousin a driving lesson.
6. Buy the most expensive bottle of Scotch I can find and drink it with my family and friends.
7. Get in a bar fight, knock someone over the head with a bottle, and throw a stool through a window.
8. Go home with a stranger.
9. Get a tattoo.
10. Ride a horse.
11. Swim in the Pacific Ocean.
12. Have a photo session with my photographer friend
13. Challenge my dad to see who can eat the most Goll's Bakery Donuts and Apple Turnovers before getting sick.
14. Break all of my dishes.
15. Throw a huge party and invite everyone.  And the biggest gift had better have a card attached that says, "Thank you, for being a friend." 

So most of these things are not what Pastor Skip had in mind and I did clean up the list a little bit for this entry.  I can't even say my list is that outrageous.  There isn't anything like Sky-Diving or Bull Fighting on here.  Mostly, I would do all the things I was afraid of doing because of the long term consequences.  I would go after the life experiences I wanted but hadn't been able to fit in.  I wouldn't go to work, not even to make it easier for everyone else, and I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to just to make someone else happy.

Which is probably Pastor Skip's entire point.  It's important to take a look at one's life and really question why we do the things we do.  What is important?  How do we waste our time and how could we use that time more effectively?    We are not guaranteed tomorrow, at any age, and we shouldn't take the days we have for granted.

Restore Church::Experiencing Life

Went with my aunt and cousin to the Easter service at their church this weekend.  It's a newer church in my hometown and apparently has all the older, established churches concerned.  After my visit, I can see why.  I was directed to park in a vacant lot across the street from what we call Reverend Pittam's church.  (I'm not really sure why we call it that other than, obviously, there is/was a Reverend Pittam and this was his church.) As I got out of my car, the music coming from the church caught my attention.  It sounded like a party or a local rock band show was inside.  There were several people wearing red t-shirts that said "Restore Church Dream Team" on them.  They were all greeting people and handing out "care packages" to new comers.  I declined to interact with these people as I was looking for my aunt, but my understanding is that the bags they were handing out contained some basic info about the church, a bible, and a few other religious themed goodies.

Once inside, the lighting was darker as if attending a performance or, again, local rock show.  There was a stage up front with fancy show lighting and a full band.  People were crowded near the back by the coffee bar and snack table.  They were all "fellowshipping" with one another and I thought it was interesting that the church set this up before the service and not after like the Baptist church used to do.  The snack table had a beautiful spread of donuts, bagels, yogurt, fruit, and cupcakes decorated with Peeps.  The healthier options were prominently displayed and I was surprised when, during the sermon, people got up to help themselves to more snacks.  The whole place exuded a sense of welcome and had a laid back atmosphere.  Many people were there in jeans and t-shirts and even those in their Sunday best didn't seem to mind.

Even though this was their third service for the day, there was very little about it that felt practiced or rehearsed.  Obviously, the music had that rehearsed feeling but my concern is always with the sermon.  I've been to big "McChurches" where the pastor tells the same jokes and makes the same points anywhere from 4-10 times in a day.  By the tenth performance, it doesn't have that genuine feel to it anymore and I tend to zone out.  But this pastor was clearly passionate about what he was doing.  His sermon didn't feel like he was playing for an audience, even though I know there had to be some recycled jokes.  He was energetic and enthusiastic which is important for any presentation.

The church also has networking down to a science.  They made use of social media and modern technology to engage with their congregation even outside of the typical Sunday service.  I heard a couple of stories about how the leadership team made a point to contact someone when they noticed the person had posted on Facebook about a sad or difficult time they were going through.  I also noticed one or two key people from the older, established churches helping out during the service.  They seem to recognize talent whether it's with children, technology, music, speaking, etc.  It makes me wish they'd been around when my mother was in town.  They could have used her talents to their utmost effectiveness and she would have benefited from the joy of spreading her love of God.

It was interesting to visit, though I felt more like an observer than a participant.  This has been my reaction to most church services of late.  I pick apart the service like a performance or presentation and don't feel as moved as I did when I was younger.  I don't know if this is cynicism or just that I've grown up and can recognize intentional manipulation.  (To be fair, I do the same with certain movie plot lines.)  Perhaps this is a sign that business school really is suited for me, but I kept thinking about the whole experience as if the church were trying to sell me a product.  Which, of course, they are.  It's just weird for me to think about it in those terms.

A Promising Start to the Weekend

The weather is so beautiful today.  I can't even begin to explain how it makes me feel.  It's like waking up.  Not just going through the motions of life, but actually living in my skin and connecting with the world around me.  I am in an excellent mood for some reason.  I think most of it is the weather, but there's this incredible optimistic feeling about life in general that has to be about something else.

I want to go to Ocean City and sit on the wall.  I want to eat funnel cake and watch people go by.  I want to dance to the latest summer song and have some zany adventure a la Beach Party.  If only I could bottle this feeling for days when I just can't feel anything.

Here's hoping it's a great weekend to follow-up.

Scotch Group

A few months ago, I assumed the role of Organizer for the Baltimore Scotch Sippers group on Meetup.  Aside from the membership fees for meetup, I thought it would be a fairly easy thing to organize and I was mostly right until this weekend.  We had an event on Thursday that went a little off the rails due to the antics of one attendee.  This person also caused a problem at our tasting in January, the same problem.

My attendee (let's call him/her "H") purchased a bottle from the bar that was holding the tasting.  It was sold at a discounted price as a special courtesy to our group.  H decided to open the bottle at the bar and offer shots to other attendees.  It was pointed out that this was not only illegal, in accordance with Baltimore City Laws, but also incredibly rude.  H did not care. 

Fast forward to Thursday, H arrives late.  In an attempt to catch up with everyone else, H reaches across the bar and pours his/her own drink.  The owner of the bar sees this and calls H out on it, reminding him/her about January in the process.  A verbal warning was issued and everyone moved on.  I started to distance myself from H as I was completely embarrassed to have him/her associated with our group.  About a half an hour later, I see the owner of the bar take a bottle away from H and return cash.

Apparently, H had purchased yet another bottle and proceeded to open it and offer shots to other patrons.  After the warning, the bar owner had no choice but to return the cost of the bottle (less the cost of the shots) and ask H to leave.  I felt that the owner was incredibly calm during the exchange and I had mad respect for him.  H, of course, feels that he/she has been targeted by the owner and has no concept of what he/she has done. 

So today, I have had to clean up some nasty messages on our meetup page and send out an e-mail to all of our members detailing what happened on Thursday and setting guidelines for future tastings.  I did not want to air all of H's personal business in front of the group, but he/she started accusing the bar and the owner of over charging and being crooked.  H told everyone to check their credit card statements and I had to address that in an equally public forum. 

The owner of that bar has been nothing but helpful to me and the group.  He has provided a free meeting space for us and sets up affordable tastings.  I know that it's a mutually beneficial relationship, but he doesn't have to do half of the things he does.  I really had to take a deep breath and wait to respond to H's messages because I consider the owner of the bar to be a friend.  I don't do well when I see that people are being unjustly treated and I do even worse when that person is a friend. 

Best Sister Duo - EVER

I received some pretty exciting news this morning:  The Sweethearts of the Rodeo have a brand new album coming out!  I know they aren't that familiar to a lot of people, but they were my sister's favorite duo when she was younger.

We would listen to them on car trips and knew every lyric by heart.  For the past few years my sister and I have talked about going to their Thanksgiving concert in Nashville, but it never seems to work out.  Perhaps we'll get to see them perform their new album somewhere closer to one of our homes.

Le Weekend - Or - Revisiting a Childhood You'd Rather Forget

I came off of last weekend, with my sister, feeling very positive and happy.  She really went out of her way to make it special and it meant more than I can say.  This most recent weekend, in contrast, was very disappointing.  It made me feel very alone in a place where I have both family and a social network.  I was headed out to meet the dads for my birthday dinner.   Which sounds like it should be a happy occasion and something that would propel me even further into a good mood, but it didn't end up that way at all.

The dinner reservations were made for 3:00pm on Saturday and I was supposed to meet everyone at the Dads' house at 2:30pm so we could all drive together.  Between getting over this cold that won't seem to go away and trying to catch up on laundry from the trip, I knew I wouldn't make it to my dad's by 2:30.  So I called them as I was headed out of my neighborhood and asked them to text me the address for the restaurant.  I wouldn't make it to their place on time but, as I live closer, I wouldn't be late to the restaurant.  Dad agreed to send the address and ended the call but didn't hang up.  He has this problem of not hitting the "end call" button on his phone and I've gotten numerous phone messages with a lot of background chatter.  Normally this is just amusing, but on Saturday he proceeded to complain after he thought he'd hung up.

I heard him tell the other people in the car that I "always do this" and "couldn't be on time for anything."  His friend, O, offers the suggestion of telling me to meet a half an hour earlier, like she does with her son, so I'll get there in time.  At this point, he realized that his phone was still on and quickly hung up.  Had I not been using the blue tooth feature in my car, I would never have heard the details of the conversation but I did and I proceeded to lose my shit.  I thought about calling back and saying I couldn't make it after all but I knew they had people coming.  So I called my sister in an effort to calm down before I would have to pretend was normal.

I am not a person who is habitually late to things.  I value promptness and see chronic lateness to events as a waste of my time.  I get this from my father.  However, more often than not I will be ready to go at their house and have to wait for one or the other to finish getting ready.  The times I have been late, or called to say I'll meet you there instead, have been due to traffic or having to work late - things completely out of my control.  At first, I felt like my dad's comments were very two-faced and he was putting on some kind of act for his friend.  Second, it made me feel like I was 5 years old again and he had told me he was very disappointed.  I was the kind of kid who would punish herself if told her parents were disappointed in her behavior.

But the part that caused me to have a complete meltdown in my car was the residual effects of living with his last partner.  It was like he was saying I was irresponsible to his friend.  I have a gut reaction to anyone implying or outright saying I am irresponsible, careless, worthless, or stupid.  I know most people would have a strong reaction to this as well, so it shouldn't be surprising.  But I spent almost every day of ten years being told how terrible I was, but never to my face.  My dad's old partner would wait until I was just out of the room, but still in earshot, to say what he really thought of me.  He would wait until my dad wasn't around so that no one would catch him.  He would belittle me and make me feel like I was a terrible person because I came out of my room.  And this is was exactly how this situation on Saturday felt to me.

I know that my dad doesn't intentionally leave his cell phone on after ending a call, but my knee-jerk reaction was feeling like it had been done on purpose.  And then I was 15 years old again, just waiting for someone else to come home so I could breathe, so I didn't feel so alone.  It wrecked that entire feeling I had from the previous weekend and I just wanted to curl up in my room.  But I went to the dinner and I even went to the wine bar with everyone afterwards.  Still, I went home earlier than I would have and just hid in my room the rest of the night.

It was the worst feeling.  And, of course, I haven't said anything to my dad about it.  This is not the type of family we are.  We don't even talk about what happened when he was with his old partner.  We just pretend like everything's okay until it is.

St. David's Day

Welsh Bunting in my cubicle

For St. David's Day this year, I actually went all out.  Normally, I forget it's the first until about halfway through the day.  But I had purchased my Welsh Flag Bunting in the UK last year and I was determined to do it up right.  There is nothing like hanging decorations in one's cubicle to draw attention and I had the pleasure of explaining my celebration to many a passerby.  But this just wasn't enough for me. 

Welsh Cakes

My dad's friends in Bristol posted pictures of their homemade Welsh Cakes so I decided to research traditional St. David's Day/Welsh dishes.   I found two very tasty recipes for Welsh Cakes and one for Chicken and Leek Hotpot.  I invited my friend, Andrea Schwartz (of "Do As I Say" fame),  to help me.  The Welsh Cakes proved a little more challenging than I thought, thankfully Andrea had experience with baking, and the substitution of oil for lard did not hold the cakes together as well as I had hoped.  Overall, I was very pleased with the result and felt they were every bit as good as the ones I'd had last year.  I made sure to pack up half of them for Andrea and the other half for work. 

Chicken and Leek Hotpot

The Chicken and Leek Hotpot recipe was very attractive because it was cooked completely in the microwave.  I feel like I should have cooked the vegetables a little longer before adding the chicken but, again, I was not disappointed.  Next time I will also add more carrots for color.  I have three more meals out of this recipe and will definitely make it again.  I was unsure of whether or not I would like Leeks, as I haven't really had them before.  In my mind, I thought they were similar to onion and while I enjoy the onion flavor I don't particularly care for crunching on the pieces themselves.  But the Leek has a sweeter taste to it, possibly from cooking with the carrots, and I ate every part of the meal.

I sincerely hope that I am able to do this again next year and that this was the start of a tradition for me.  I think we only equate traditions with families or couples and we forget that it's just as important to create them on an individual level.  It helps us to connect with our friends and feel like we're a part of something important.  So here is to the start of a new tradition for me!

Davy Jones - February 29th

I just learned that Davy Jones, of The Monkees fame, has died at age 66 and my day is a little bit darker because of it.  Just last Friday, Dad and I were driving to the airport, listening to Pool It in the car.

I became acquainted with them in 1986 when MTV re-ran episodes of The Monkees.  Even though I am a second generation fan, it still feels like a little piece of my childhood is gone.

Atlanta: 2012

As always, Atlanta is a seductive mistress.  I have never gone to visit my sister and not had a passing thought about moving to the city.  It could be the fluffy white dog that refuses to wake up to an alarm clock and snuggles harder into the crook of your arm.  It could be the slightly warmer weather, no matter what time of year I visit, and being able to walk to most destinations.  It could be the social network of friends that my sister has and how they are always so welcoming when I visit.  It could be the Flying Biscuit.

But really, I think it's being able to stay up late talking to my sister about whatever thought enters our heads at midnight.  Receiving a gift that only has meaning for us.  Having the not so quiet time in the car when we're singing to our favorite old and new pop songs.  Or baking a cake that turns out a little less than perfect.  It's missing out on these moments together, from the mundane activities like washing dishes to the more exciting stuff like hiking Stone Mountain, that make the idea of moving to Atlanta so appealing.

I always have a hard time after a visit.  Whether it's her visiting Maryland, me visiting Atlanta, or going on Family Vacation in North Carolina.  The day before we're ready to leave and return to our normal lives is always the worst and I have about three or four days after where I just feel lost.  There is this very important part of my life that isn't where I want it to be.  My life is full, I have wonderful things going on for myself, but it just isn't complete.  This is the only way I can think to describe it.  I don't know for certain that being in the same city with my sister would be the answer to a lot of the issues I've been having lately.  But I know that things make a lot more sense when we're together. 

Home can be a lot of things.  For me, that feeling is where ever the two of us are together.

Birthday Preparation

There are some days where I have a lot of emotions going through my head.  This week has definitely been one of them.  I go back and forth between feeling somewhat normal and just feeling lost.  I don't know if it's thinking about where I was this time last year or if it's that I'm going to be 31 and am I where I'm supposed to be. And there is this small part of me that wonders if M will send an e-mail to just say Happy Birthday or, if he doesn't how will I feel about that.  It's not something I think about often, it's not something that bothers me anymore - not like it used to anyway - but from time to time I plague myself with these thoughts. 

I know it's the last point of reference I have for a relationship and I think that's why it enters my thoughts as often as it does.  There are also problems with some of my friends' relationships and their significant others cheating on them.  So it refreshes that whole thing in my mind.  It still worries me though that there are times when it feels like it was only a month ago.  I know that I am ready to meet someone new, meaning that I can meet someone and not feel like it would be under the shadow of what happened last year.  But then I wonder if I really am if I'm concerned about whether or not my ex will wish me a happy birthday almost a full year after everything went down.  And if I am thinking about that at all, does that mean that I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself when it comes to meeting someone new?

I'm super excited about my trip to Atlanta, though.  I think it's the shock to the system I need right now.  I just need something different to lift me out of this negative head space.  Something to energize me and push me into a positive direction.