Mortality

Upon returning from my wonderful trip abroad, my friend H asked to come over to my house. I immediately knew that something must be wrong because city residents are always loathe to give up their parking spaces. We usually meet at her house or somewhere nearby that is accessible via public transit so that she can avoid the usual headaches associated with City Parking. Shortly before my graduation, she had learned that a mutual friend had passed away. Knowing that I had worked so hard for the last 5 years on my degree and my sister and I had planned a trip for after graduation, she opted to keep the information to herself until after I returned. After she told me, I was stunned. I was thankful that it hadn't been any of the 100 terrible scenarios I'd imagined before she arrived, but I was also in disbelief that this other person was gone. Naturally, my friend H was concerned that I would be angry with her for keeping the information for so long. But I was actually incredibly grateful to her for suffering alone through my happy milestones. I felt terrible that we had all sat at dinner on the evening I graduated and laughed at stupid family stories while she was dealing with the loss of a friend.

It makes me wish that I were better at keeping in touch with people.  That I wasn't so lazy by using Facebook to keep tabs.  A friend of mine was dead for 3 months and I had no idea.  It was a friend with whom I lost touch and hadn't actively talked to in about 5 years.  Part of it was that he was pushing people away and the other part was that I was simply too busy in my own life to reach out to anyone.  I need to be a better human being now that school is completely done.

35th Birthday

35, it's a nice round number to me.  It's halfway between 30 and 40.  Established in my life enough that I can build and make plans, but not so set in my ways that I can't course correct if needed.

Graduation is just around the corner and I am anxious to get started with this next phase of my life.  What exactly does adulthood look like without the burden of school?  I'm ready to advance in a career and stop living paycheck to paycheck.  I don't have to be rich, though I wouldn't object to that, but I don't want to have to struggle the way I have been the last 15 years.

I'm trying to focus on the positive things ahead of me and not get bogged down in the worries I've started to feel pulling at the corners of my mind.  I need to not rush into things out of fear that I'll miss out on something.  But I also need to not be afraid to take chances and make changes as needed.

This is all somewhat cryptic, I know.  But I am hopeful for the future without knowing exactly what path I should take next to make all of my hopes and dreams come true.

Weight Watchers - Week#6

Official Weigh-in: 203.7 lbs.
Starting Weight: 207.2
Change since last week: +0.5 lbs.
Overall change:-3.6 lbs.
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Last Week's Weekly Goal:  Track more carefully
This Week's Weekly Goal: Track more carefully

I'm keeping the same goal again for this week.  I started off strong this week, but then slacked off again towards the end.  There's a gain of .5 to show for it, though it's actually down from the official Weight Watchers weigh in I did at a meeting on Saturday.  So there's improvement, but I can definitely do better.

I've been dealing with a lot of negative head space lately.  I know we all deal with it from time to time and especially when we're working on something as personal as weight loss/healthy lifestyle changes.  This journey is not like any other goal in our lives.  Because everyone has an opinion on it and will offer it unsolicited.  

Even if people don't know that you're dealing with it, you still hear their opinions.  At work the other day, there was a conversation about how easy it is to lose weight and don't people realize that it's just a simple matter of calories in and calories out.  But it's not that simple.  It's not like smoking or drinking or biting your nails where it's something you struggle to abstain from completely.  Food is something you need to survive.  Yes we should abstain from the things that aren't healthy for us, but it's not always that easy and it can feel like all food is your enemy when we reduce it to calories in.  Just as exercise can feel like a punishment when we look at it as simply calories out.

Many of us struggle with the journey because of our relationships with food.    Advertising is constantly telling us about our cravings and how their product is the only one that will satisfy said craving.  Time out with friends is usually around drinking or a restaurant meal.  Free lunches at work meetings where Pizza is always the quickest and easiest option to feed a crowd.  In our society, food is a reward, a stress reliever, a social outing, and a comfort.  It's easier to stop at a fast food joint on the way to this appointment or between obligations than to cook something at home.

I love the new Oprah commercial where she talks about bread.  Because I share her love of bread and completely relate to what she says.  But I've learned this week that, unlike Oprah, I can't manage it yet.  If I'm presented with rolls I'm not going to eat just one and then I don't have points for real food.  So maybe I will focus on that while I'm tracking this week.  

I'm going to try and budget points not just for a single day but for each meal within that day. So 10 points per meal and if I consume fewer points for breakfast the remaining points will be evenly distributed to the remaining meals.   Meaning, instead of seeing 30 points for the day (12 of which are taken up by garlic knots) I will see 14 points for lunch after my yogurt breakfast.  Maybe this will help me to weigh my options more carefully.  Because 12 out of 14 sounds a lot more wasteful than 12 out of 30.  Hopefully, this way I won't trash the whole day with free garlic knots at work.

Good luck this week!

Weight Watchers - Week#5

Official Weigh-in: 203.2 lbs.
Starting Weight: 207.2
Change since last week: +2.8 lbs.
Overall change:-4.1 lbs.
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Last Week's Weekly Goal:  Track more carefully
This Week's Weekly Goal: Track more carefully

As predicted last week, my lax habits have gotten worse and it clearly shows on the scale.  But it's okay, I went back to a meeting last night and did an official weigh in.  I wanted to stay home and slink under the covers, eating red velvet Oreos and promising myself that I'd do better next week.  Which is exactly what I did last week and, hence, no week#4 entry.  I faced the music, though, and picked up some helpful tips in the process.

For this week, I'm keeping the same goal.  I do need to focus on tracking more than ever.

I purchased the set of two plates from Weight Watchers and I intend to use them to help with portion control at dinner.  The wine glasses were not yet available and that's okay.  I need to stray away from alcohol for a while.  The snow storm this last week as not helpful at all.

I took extra walks...to the bar.  While everyone else was watching the snow fall on Saturday, I was walking to the local bar for Irish Coffee.  Yes, with whip cream.  But it was the first snow storm of the year and these are traditions I absolutely love.  I'm willing to indulge as long as I can reign myself back in afterwards.

I also purchased the new starter kit that comes complete with a collapsible salad bowl and a cutting board with built in measuring cups.  It also comes with the new tracking journal - a lovely hardbound book, though lacking in some tracking areas - and a recipe book.The cutting board will probably get the most use because it's incredibly functional.

I intend to fully report on these items in the coming weeks.  As I previously mentioned, I've noticed the tracking journal is pared down from the older style spiral bound journals.  This will be my first week using it, so I'll have more on that in week#6.


Helpful meeting tips:

• Try an appetizer or small plate, or see if you can get away with ordering from the kids’ menu instead of a full size entree.
• Once you’ve decided on a restaurant, try to look at an online menu so you can narrow down your options.
• Pre-track if at all possible
• Look back at how the meal went. Were there any unexpected hurdles—that basket of cheese rolls, say, or your boss urging you to try her fried calamari? How did you handle them? If you're not happy with any of your choices, what could you do differently? A post-prandial post-mortem can help set you up for success next time.
• Ask how things are prepared if the menu is unclear
• Ask for a box and put half of the meal into it before you start eating.  This will prevent you from overeating and then you have lunch for the next day.
• Using the hand measurements to gauge serving sizes.

Good luck this week!

Barbie's New Body Type(s)

Time Magazine's Barbie Cover

I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this yet. I have always maintained that Barbie is a canvas that reflects both society's values and its shortcomings. So part of this feels like Mattel is admitting fault where there was none. But then I would have loved the different heights, weights, etc. when I was a child. My characters could have been a little more real and varied and that would have been wonderful.

But I have never been one to focus on Barbie's body type and never felt it was an important topic to debate. To me, she was always perfect just as she was because she allowed me to do so many wonderful and imaginative things as a child. I brought my own strengths to her world and she showed me possibilities. I know that not all of my friends had the same experience and I can't help but think that these new dolls would have changed that for them. They might have been able to have the same relationship that I did and to continue to love her as much as I do, even now as an adult.

 I agree with that article that the conversation about her body type clouded the positive messages she was trying to get through. Barbie has never been a cause, she is merely a symptom of the larger issues. And maybe changing her body type(s) will facilitate a move away from this hyper awareness. That it will allow us to focus on her possibilities instead of reducing her to just a figure. And maybe this will radiate out into society and we'll see an entire generation of children who focus more on a person's character.

Weight Watchers - Week#3

Official Weigh-in: 200.4 lbs.
Starting Weight: 207.2
Change since last week: -2.4 lbs.
Overall change:-6.9 lbs.
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Last Week's Weekly Goal:  Drink more water
This Week's Weekly Goal: Track more carefully

Even though I saw a loss this week, I've noticed I'm already getting lax in my not yet habits.  I had one or two days where I didn't track at all until evening or the following day.  This resulted in a huge surprise when an item I frequently ate under the old plan increased by 8 points under the new plan.  I need to treat this as if I am starting as a Weight Watcher's Novice and not assume that I know the points values from the previous years I failed to follow the plan.

I need to get back on track and take this seriously if I'm really going to see progress past the same 10 pounds I've gained and lost over the last year.  A great time to remind myself of why I'm doing this in the first place.

• I want to be healthier this year and twenty years from now
• I want to develop healthy habits that I can teach to my children so they don't have the struggles I have had with weight and health
• I want to look good in Danielle's wedding photos
• I want to look good in all my photos
• I want to lower my bad cholesterol levels

I have not yet added in exercise consistently, though I am trying to walk at lunch if at all possible.  I think this will be next week's goal.

Check back with me next week!

Weight Watchers - Week#2

Official Weigh-in: 202.8 lbs.
Starting Weight: 207.2
Change since last week: -4.5 lbs.
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Last Week's Weekly Goal:  To start eating breakfast
This Week's Weekly Goal: Drink more water

Overall, I'm very pleased with the first week.  I stuck to eating breakfast every day and only eating the lunch I brought.  I haven't gone back to working out yet, just focusing on my eating habits at the moment.

I did let myself indulge over the weekend with some fresh made pizza at a restaurant that uses locally sourced and organic ingredients.  I was incredibly surprised at my body's reaction.  I know that I ate too much of the pizza because I felt full in the middle of the second slice and still finished off a third piece.  So it's good to know that I'm eating smaller portions during the week and my body is adjusting to this.  But then, within an hour after eating, I was so groggy that I took a nap.  After I woke up I felt like I had a hangover, even though I didn't consume any alcohol.  So lesson learned, listen to my body signals.

This week I'm going to focus on drinking more water.  It's not my beverage of choice but I know there are so many benefits.

• Aids in Digestion
• Helps Maintain a Healthy Weight
• Assists in the removal of waste
• Thins the Blood
• Improves Kidney Function
• Transports Nutrients in the Body

Just to name a few.  I haven't consumed Sodas in many years, but I transitioned to Ice Tea.  While this is significantly better than drinking 3 cans of soda a day, water is still the best possible beverage for humans to consume.  Our bodies are mostly water after all.

Here's a couple starting pictures to help track my progress.  They're not the best pictures of me, but they're ones that made me realize I needed to get back on track.

Good luck with this week!

2016 Goals

1. Trip to Spain with my sestra
2. Graduate from B School
3.  Decide about the CPA/CMA Exams and then, if yes, take at least one part
4. Sestra's Wedding
5. Healthier version of me
6. Attend Write Club more often
7. Plan 5 year anniversary for Scotch Group
8. Build my Etsy Shop Business
9.  Decide about Career path - Fulfillment to Operations Director or take a step back and go 100% Accounting
10. Create and Stick to a Budget
11. Pay down Debt and prepare finances for student loan repayment

Weight Watchers - Week #1

The first time I went through the Weight Watcher's program, I didn't blog about it at all.  In fact, I didn't even have a blog at that time in my life.  It was only afterwards that I thought it might be a motivating series for someone else who might be struggling with the same issues.

Thankfully, or unfortunately depending on how I feel on a particular day, I have gained all the weight back during my time in Business School.  Something about not having any free time for friends, family, or a social life means you're also not focusing on other healthy things as well.  My final semester is coming up this Spring and I don't want my graduation pictures to reflect this stressed out version of me.

So I'm starting back and there's a brand new program rolling out at the same time.  Sounds like the perfect opportunity to write in my blog - which has been sorely neglected - and capture my progress (and struggles) for anyone who might be experiencing the same thing.  It also provides a certain accountability for me.

I'm going to give perfectly honest information and share my beginning weight.  As many of you know, this is not an easy thing to divulge even to one's closest friends so please be courteous in any responses you may leave.  I have not yet decided if I will share progress photos.

Starting Weight: 207.2
Goal Weight: 145-155 range
Combat Tools:

• Weight Watchers Beyond the Scale (New SmartPoints System)
• Samsung Gear Fit Watch
• Gym Membership at Planet Fitness Equivalent
• Journaling/Blogging
• Les Mills Combat DVDs
• T25 Workout DVDs
• Standard size, walk-demanding, Dachshund who saves nothing for the walk back
• FAB Support group on Facebook
• A Romantic Partner equally as concerned about Health and Wellness

Weekly Goal:  To start eating breakfast - I've never been a breakfast eater and I think my metabolism suffers for it.

I'm going to go a little Bridget Jones in this and start out with my current weight on entries.  But I'm also going to try and blog about some of the meeting topics - which should be a great motivator to actually go to my weekly meetings.

Looking forward to completing this journey with all of you!

K

5 Year Goals

A little less than five years ago, I started down a path.  I took a class at the local community college to see if I liked Accounting and if I thought it was something I could pursue realistically.  For someone who had always been, "The Writer," and "not good at math," it was incredibly freeing to realize that there was something analytical that I was really good at doing.  The reason I had never felt completely comfortable with the 'artsy' label was that it wasn't the only side to me.

This spring, I will hopefully graduate from Towson with my Masters in Accounting and Business Advisory Services.  Then I have to consider what to do next.  I should take the CPA and I will probably end up doing that.  But I find it to be very intimidating and my career path has become slightly different in the last five years.

At the time I started the Masters program, five years felt like such a long time.  And now it's here and it doesn't feel like it was that long ago I started.  Perhaps this is how long term goals feel once they're achieved, or nearly achieved.  When we're looking at the road before us it seems long and winding and unfamiliar, but when we look back over where we've been it's no longer a mystery.

A Season of Loss

Tomorrow, my sister and her fiancée, A,  will say goodbye to A's uncle at a funeral service in Georgia.  Shortly before the Thanksgiving holiday, he was found dead in his apartment.  A had been concerned that she hadn't heard from him in a few weeks and she'd been calling around to friends and relatives to see if they'd heard from him.  She even went so far as to search through John Doe lists in a couple of tourist spots he'd talked about visiting after his retirement was finalized in October of this year.

His loss has been an incredible blow to my sister and her fiancée.  He was one of the few family member's A has that was supportive.  He was able to offer advice in the same way that a father would and he gave her the sense of family that she isn't able to get from her immediate family.  And vice versa.  It's a truly tragic event.

I was not close to him and I don't know much about his story.  I do know that his family cast him out for being gay and he had to make a life of his own at the tender age of 18. He did not get the same benefit of college or other financial assistance from his family yet he was able to have a successful career and do well for himself.  I have heard so many other stories from the LGBT community where family disownment did not have such a positive outcome.  So I know how difficult it must have been to carve out this life for himself.

We spent most of Thanksgiving going through papers.  A was his closest relative so the handling of his estate has fallen to her until they can confirm the status of a will and his actual wishes.  There were stacks of papers and photographs, thank you letters from his clients, travel brochures, and investment information.  An entire life flattened and categorized.

There have been a few people at work that have also lost loved ones recently.  The holidays are hard enough as it is and now they have this added burden that they'll remember every year.   With the joy there will be the dull ache of the loss of this loved one.  I know my grandfather dealt with the memory of his mother's death at Christmas every year.

Historic News

Trying to write my thoughts down quickly.  I just heard that the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) has ruled in favor of same-sex marriages.  The joy I feel is too immense to be captured.

We've been watching the rulings on the SCOTUS live blog for the last two weeks, waiting to see if they would rule on it or not.  And finally, this morning in a 5-4 vote it was determined that the 14th Amendment included same-sex marriages - or, as I like to call them, Marriages.

This means that my sister and her fiancée can get married in their home state.  They can move to any other state in the United States and still have the same rights and protections.  If my sister gets a work assignment in England, her WIFE can go with her without any additional hassle or red tape.

Chosen Families

My sister, D,  and I have been talking about the idea of "chosen families" lately.  It started with the death of our grandmother and our mother's reaction to her mother's death vs. the death of her former mother-in-law.  There are obvious differences, of course, like how my father's mother died suddenly and unexpectedly while my mother's mother held on for 5 days and was only unconscious for 1 of those.  But the one thing my sister and I never realized was the difference in the relationships our mother had with each of those women.  Even in the healthiest of families nothing is ever perfect and relationships are complicated at best.  

We compared it to the close friendships our father has with other members of the LGBT community.  How they would often opt to gather at a friend's house for traditional family holiday celebrations.  My mother certainly did this with our father's family and I have often felt that the genuine care and concern was mutual.  Sometimes we bend under the weight of parental expectations and fall into old family roles long after we've grown out of them.  Returning home for a visit is so very frequently a struggle between who we were and who we've become.  I have no doubt that this was a serious problem for my mother when she returned to take care of my grandmother seven years ago and I think there was a certain amount of relief felt.

Most recently, though, we've discussed the Intentional Family idea because of a situation she and her fiancée, A,  are facing with their upcoming Wedding.  One of  A's grandparents has already told her they do not want an invitation to the wedding because they do not support their decision to marry, citing religious reasons.  It's disappointing and upsetting.  It was even worse when, after a relative's death, her mother and brother were invited to stay at her grandparent's house but she was denied the hospitality because they didn't support her "lifestyle."  Regardless of your personal beliefs, especially at a time when family is grieving the loss of a loved one, there is still a human being at the core and they should be treated with the same level of compassion.  Most recently, A suffered another disappointment when her brother declined the invitation to be a attendant at the wedding.  Again, citing religious beliefs.  This came as a major blow because, until that moment, she had no idea that her brother was not supportive.

My sister and I are very close.  I've never taken that relationship for granted, but I've also never realized how truly rare that is.  I can't even begin to fathom what it is like to hear that your sibling does not accept you for who you truly are.  From almost the very beginning of their relationship, I have felt that A has been a member of our family.  My mother has also been very welcoming, calling A her "third daughter" well before they were officially engaged.  And I think this is because my mother knows what it is like to have a difficult relationship with one's birth family and she recognized a kind of kindred spirit in need of reassurance, acceptance, and love.  My father and step-father have also felt that she's family.  We've planned vacations together as a family and when our grandmother died, A was there. She was there not because she had to be or just to support D, but because she wanted to be there for our mother at a time when it was most needed.

And this is the point of family.  Whether it is chosen, intentional, or birth, a family is meant to be supportive through the difficult times.  They are a calm place where we can go and be loved for just being ourselves and sometimes in spite of being ourselves.  From here we draw the strength to face the challenges of the outside world.  We don't always have to agree on things but we have to always respect one another as individuals and as human beings.

Healthy Living - Again

I'm trying to get back on the wagon with taking care of myself.  This means, eating properly and exercising regularly.  Not to mention getting enough sleep, wearing sunscreen, and using sulfate free shampoos on my hair.  It's not easy to do on a regular basis while keeping up with the other demands of life, aka work and school.

6 years ago I lost over 40 pounds on weight watchers, in the last 3 years I've gained it all back.  2 years ago, I didn't lose any weight but I converted the fat into muscle and dropped several inches from my waistline.  The problems that led to ending up back where I started haven't gone away.  I have one year left of school and work is still a stressful environment.  But with only a year left of school and several special events coming up after that, I want to get back into my healthy habits.  Life only gets more difficult from here on out and I need to actually nail this down now so I can carry it through.

As you may have read, I lost my grandmother last month.  She had diabetes and other health problems that could have been avoided with simple steps in her youth.  I want to make sure that I am doing those things now and not taking my health for granted.  I'm already noticing parts of me deteriorating and I need to halt as much as I can for as long as I can.  This takes discipline and hard work.

I want to create healthy habits that will be passed down to my children, eventually, and I don't want them to struggle with this the way that I have.  I want to be a good example for them and show them how life can be lived to the fullest while not indulging in every single impulse that comes along.

The End of an Era

In May, my last grandparent passed away. We weren't exceptionally close, but she was still my grandmother.

It started with a call from my mother saying that Grandma had fallen and they were taking her to the hospital.  I didn't think much about it because she had fallen before and was able to recover.  But at 88 years old, there's always cause for concern.  It turns out that she had a heart attack the previous day and had ignored the warning signs.  She'd opted not to go to the hospital and went to bed instead. The damage to her heart was permanent by the time she fell and there was nothing to do but wait.

My sister and I arrived in Florida the same evening, but didn't get to see Grandma in the hospital until the following day.  She stayed in the ICU for 3 days and was then moved to Hospice care.  I have to say that the staff at Hospice of Marion County were fantastic.  They were very respectful to my grandmother and very helpful to the rest of the family.  We're also incredibly grateful to the help provided by the Salvation Army Center of Hope so that we didn't have to worry about ridiculous hotel fees.

When my father's parents died, it was sudden and we didn't have time to get there.  When my mother's father died, I was very young so it affected me differently.  For this grandparent, though, we were able to say goodbye and spend time with her at the very last of her days.  It was a surreal experience that I hope to never repeat, though I know that at some point I may have to.  With knowing that my parents are now orphans comes the realization that they're the next generation to go.

Certainly, there could be a terrible accident that could take another family member sooner, but for all intents and purposes they're the next on the list of possibilities.  This is a frightening realization for me and something on which I try not to dwell.  But it certainly makes me question a lot of things in my life and wonder what kind of story people will tell about me when they have to speak over my coffin.

New Year Thoughts

I recently learned that a friend from my high school days passed away.  I can't say we were incredibly close, we probably haven't spoken since our graduation.  But I would see her posts on Facebook and we would occasionally exchange comments on photos.  I know she had a great sense of humor, a beautiful family, and was incredibly helpful to other friends who were struggling with a similar disease.  Our 15 year reunion would have been this year, but no one actually planned the event.  When I e-mailed about the reunion in September the response was, "I guess we'll just have to wait for the 20 year."  Like we had all the time in the world.

But the reality is that we don't and we, as human beings, take so many things for granted.   Last year, I talked about focusing more on experiences and less on things.  Unfortunately, I don't think I did a very good job of it as the year went on.  So my thoughts have been on this the last couple of days. 

• My Health - I take it for granted.  I'm not doing the things I need to do to keep me healthy.  The fact that I haven't had any major health problems is pure luck.
• School & my Future - It's been this nebulous thing.  A general direction I'm headed in, but without any light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm finally starting my first semester of graduate classes after finishing up the pre-reqs last semester.  It's real.  This time next year I'll be stressing about graduation.
• My Friends - I've not made the effort I'd like to to try and keep up with people.  Having drinks or going out is like pulling teeth since I've started school.  It feels like depression, but it's really just that I enjoy my free time to do nothing.
• My Family - This is another area where I need to make more of an effort.  Shane is going off to the Marines in a few months and this may be the last real time I get to spend with him.
• My Finances - I'm not keeping track the way I need to and a few difficult decisions may need to be made.  They're not completely out of hand, but I've run up some serious debt again.  If I want to be the successful adult I envision after graduate school, I need to get this other debt in hand so it doesn't interfere with student loans and life plans.

We become so busy with the details of life that we miss out on the bigger picture.  We don't keep up the relationships that support us through the difficult times and then we wonder why everything is so difficult.

B-School Applications: Personal Statement Rough Draft

“. . .We feel, conceive or reason, laugh or weep;

Embrace fond woe, or cast our cares away:

It is the same! -For, be it joy or sorrow,

The path of its departure still is free:

Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;

Nought may endure but Mutablilty.”

- From “Mutability” by Percy Bysshe Shelley

From the very first visit I made to the Library of Congress, in school, I knew that I wanted to work there.  The historical, political, and cultural significance contained in those buildings is inspiring and every minute detail of the Jefferson Building contains a symbol reflecting our national heritage or an homage to the other cultures that influenced on our founding fathers.  There are many people in this world who, from a young age, know exactly what they want to do with the rest of their lives and some of them are even fortunate enough to attain those aspirations.  For the rest of us, however, our lives tend to be a series of compromises which slow our individual growth and interfere with our professional journey. 

My younger sister and I were the first in our family to even consider going to college and, growing up, we were always told we would have to win scholarships.  Our parents had lived paycheck to paycheck and, even though they wanted something better for their children, they did not have the means to provide for the educational foundation we would need.  But they laid a very prominent corner stone by instilling their value of education in us. Indeed, I worked diligently in high school and received a scholarship from the University of Maryland Baltimore County (UMBC).  My parents were unable to advise me when it came to applications, financial aid, college courses, or selecting a major.  I learned to be self reliant in wading through all the information and bold in seeking out counsel from advisers or professors.  I still had to work a full time job while attending classes to cover the remaining cost of my education.  It was often a struggle but it helped me develop exceptional time management skills and I know that everything I have accomplished has come from my own perseverance.

It wasn't until I was a sophomore in college that my mother's health became a cause for concern.  My parents divorced when I was eleven, so the responsibility of my mother's care fell to me.  I spent most of that year attending classes, visiting in the hospital, and working full eight hour shifts at my job.  The struggle to maintain my grade point average while dealing with these outside problems brought me to the decision to take a year off from school. It was one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make.  I wanted to pursue my own dreams but couldn't deny the help my family needed and my divided attention would only cause both to suffer.  I learned that it is better to do something well than to spread one's self too thin trying to maintain everything.  After a heart stent was implanted in her left anterior descending artery, and her physical health vastly improved, I felt I could return the majority of my attention back to school. 

Upon graduating from UMBC, I found it difficult to get a job with the federal government let alone in my field of study.  The economy was slowing down and, without an advanced degree, my future at the Library of Congress was in doubt.  I had envisioned a job in Editing, Substitute Teaching, or the Library Sciences, but my first job offer came from the Accounting department of a custom home builder and I've always felt that any positive opportunity is an experience waiting to happen.  Still, it was surprising to discover how the analytical skills I had developed in undergrad dovetailed with the skills I acquired working in Accounting.  When that company folded, during the beginning of the housing crisis, I had several months to re-evaluate my professional path and decided that, with my work experience, it was still possible for me to aim for a position at the Library of Congress though not the one originally envisioned.

During the years I was pursuing my Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, it seemed that my life was nothing but compromises; for my family, my full-time job, and my budget.  My personal goal of working at the Library of Congress was pushed further and further away until it seemed almost unattainable.  But life is about change and growing from those changes.  Without these challenges we would not have the opportunity to push our individual boundaries and learn all that we're capable of achieving.  I know that I have the discipline to make my studies a priority, the strength to make difficult life decisions, and the resilience to accept change.

Thryn - MVN - Official Chapter 1

She woke with a start, back in her bunk at SA-159.  The hum of the engines reassuring to her ears as her brain slowly came back into focus.  She wasn't used to dreaming much these days and this was the third time in the last six months.  The sweat on her skin was already starting to chill and the dampness made her sheets almost icy to the touch.  She shifted until her body was on something drier and tried to go back to sleep.  Even without a clock, she knew there were only a few more hours until Earth moon-rise.  Through the thickest walls on the farthest ship, it would whisper her name and call her from sleep; an unrequited love that neither of them could forget.  

Thryn tossed and turned in her bunk but sleep had completely receded from her and left her mind wondering along the shores of reality.  Humans could normally adjust their sleeping schedules to fit wherever they happened to be; they would fall into harmony with the nearest system and rely on those foreign stars to govern their days and nights.  The space stations were a little trickier, though,  with the humans experiencing about 15 sunrises on average in a single day, depending on the system and the station’s proximity to the central star, of course. Regardless, she'd never been able to break free of the Earth’s dictations and the moon continued to push and pull at her.

She leaned over to check the time and realized she was back on schedule with the ship’s clocks.   There was no point in trying to sleep any longer, so she finally crawled out of bed.  It immediately retracted back into the wall of her cramped room and the overhead lights came on.

“Good Evening, Thryn,” the computer’s voice greeted her.  “Would you like to hear the evening news?”

“Can you just give me the highlights, computer?”

“There is one item pertaining to the taxation of liquor, that might be of interest to you.”  In this incarnation she had taken up the role of bar owner at one of the pubs in the lower sector.  It allowed her to work when she wanted and still keep the appearance of having to make a living. 

“Save that item for me to review later.  Anything else?”  Thryn started the water in the shower.  It would be a few minutes before she stepped into the glass enclosure, the showers were never warm enough on this station and started out practically ice cold.  The humans complained about it every morning, but she mourned this inconvenience even more.  It wasn't that the cold bothered her, in fact her body let her live in conditions most humans could never bare, but she longed to feel warmth coursing through her.  A hot shower was the closest she ever came to replicating the sensation for herself without the aid of blood.    

“Joshua Monoceros, has arrived on board this afternoon for a benefit performance this Friday.”  Thryn stopped deader than usual.

“What benefit?”  

“The Red and Magenta Cross joint benefit concert tour.  The performance will be at the SA-159 Amphitheater.  Should I reserve tickets for you, Thryn?”  

“No, computer, thank you. That’s all for now.”  

Here was a prime example of the vampire living his life out loud.  Joshua Monoceros had been on the fame circuit for the last ten years.  He’d reached super stardom with his passion for helping charities, specifically those with a large supply of blood in their vaults, and was often depicted as an angel of mercy in the media.  They’d met once about a century ago and it had left a bad taste in Thryn’s mouth.  If it was coincidence, she just had to stay out of his way.  She weighed her odds, she'd never really been that lucky, and determined it was better to find him first.  She opened the door to the shower and waited for the steam to greet her, but the water had already run back to cold.  

******

Out in the thoroughfare the humans brushed past her; they were preoccupied with their minuscule lives and did not notice the monster within their midst.  Really they saw what they wanted to see and nothing more.  Thryn felt intoxicated with the scent of them and the warm caresses as they flowed around her.  

“Which one, which one?” she thought to herself as they skittered here and there.  It had to be someone healthy, someone strong enough to lose a pint or two and not draw medical attention to her habits.  Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a tall specimen staring her down.  He was muscular and rugged, probably a freighter worker stopping over.  He looked older, but she guessed he was about 35.  It was a decent length of time for the body to mature and gave a richness to the blood provided they made an effort to take care of themselves.  There was no need to open up a psychic link between them, his intentions were painted across his face and the hunger in his eyes mirrored her own.  It really was not polite to play with one’s food, but he radiated arrogance and that made it all the more irresistible.  He sauntered over to the post she had taken up against the corner of a shop and leaned into her, resting his forearm above her head against building.  

“Hey,” he started, “my name is Kyle.”   Kyle played with the collar on her shirt before finally asking, “What is your name?”  

“Does it really matter?”  

“No, I guess it really doesn't,” he agreed letting his hand roam lower to graze her breast.  Then he grabbed her arm and pulled her into the alley.  He pushed her up against the wall and began to fumble at her clothing, “come on, I don't bite.”

“I do, ” she purred as she pulled him closer to her.  Their eyes met and she opened the part of herself that let her control the humans.  Some called it glamour, some called it mind control, the result was still the same.  All the tension in his muscles released and she could feel his mind open to her. There was so much floating around in there.  He had come in this afternoon, as she had suspected, though not on a freighter.  A transport ship was a little fancier than she had expected but what surprised her was that Joshua Monoceros had been on the same transport.  Kyle was not part of the entourage, but his memories were offering a huge head start for her.   She stroked the side of his face with the back of her hand and he tilted his head to reveal his neck.  “That's a good boy”

Writing Idea - Milady De Winter

The oars cut through the water as the executioner pushed and pulled them closer to the small island in the middle of the lake.  Milady shivered in her thin, white chemise and the early october morning wasn't entirely to blame.  Four men were vanishing into the mists behind them; her jury and executioners but hardly her peers.  Not one of them was qualified to judge her guilt.  Only the silent man in the boat could accuse her lawfully, but even he didn't know the full story.  In her short 25 years, she'd wracked up quite a debt and if there was a God she would have much to answer for.  But, then, if there had been a God she would never have gone so far.

When she'd been a child, her faith was unflinching.  Her father had told her there was a God and that he would protect them always.  This was more than enough reason for her and she'd spent many hours in prayer for her family and neighbors.  But her Father's God had not protected him in the King's war and he'd not tilled the fields in his absence and he hadn't heard her prayers when her mother's new husband had forced his way into her room.

My Mediocre Vampire Novel

In thinking about writing my mediocre vampire novel (MVN), I realize that it might be beneficial to watch the Twilight movie series.  I have avoided it thus far, but there's something they're selling to the teenage girls that could be to my benefit to analyze. 

That being said, I realize I stopped after season 2, episode 4 of my Buffy the Vampire Slayer recaps and commentary.  Since this is a far superior vampire series, I'm wondering if my first focus should be on completing this set of entries.  It would serve two purposes, getting me back into the habit of writing regularly and immersing myself yet again into the vampire lore.  Plus, I get the added bonus of watching one of my favorite shows again.

My sister and I have been watching Lost Girl on Netflix and it has rekindled my interest in writing my MVN. Probably the most interesting thing about this show is seeing how the female characters are so different than other shows that are currently on stations like the WB/CW or whatever it's called now.  It's so much closer to what Whedon was trying to achieve with Buffy than a lot of the television we've seen since.  While this show may not have the best acting, or sometimes even the best writing, there is something so endearing (and refreshing) about the friendship between Bo and Kenzi that I really don't care.

My point, is that more research is needed to get me into the right head space to write the MVN.