Buffy The Vampire Slayer: S1E11

This is the episode where Cordelia starts to drift toward the Scooby gang.  She intentionally seeks them out for protection against her invisible assailant and even attempts to thank them properly at the end of the episode.  We get to see a softer, more vulnerable, side to Cordelia Chase when she talks about being alone in a crowd.  This is definitely where we start to see the change in her character that will lead her to further development in the Angel series.  (We also get Angel back in the series, delivering an ancient text that will play heavily in the final episode of the season.)

I also think this episode really drives home the problems of popularity in high school.  Though it takes it to an extreme, where even the teachers ignore Marcie, I think everyone can identify with that feeling of invisibility at one point or another in his or her life.

Angel vs. Spike

@whedonesque The Friday Poll - if you had to choose which vampire with a soul should become human, which one would it be? Angel or Spike?

*NOTE:  This was posted on whedonesque's twitter some Fridays ago.  I wrote about it in my livejournal and am reposting it here so as to avoid missing days while I am on vacation in Ireland.  Hopefully my friends and family won't mind reading it again, but it will be new to any readers not privy to my livejournal.

As viewers of the show are aware, both Angel and Spike want to become Human again.  (cue: Disney song) They both posses souls and a certain amount of passion for one blond slayer.  Angel has had a chance at being human, in season 1 of Angel, and gave it up for a very specific reason; he can't be a hero if he's human.  Being human is very important in the Buffyverse, but not in the way we think it is.  All of the main characters in the Buffyverse walk a thin line between being a monster and being human.

Through seven seasons, we see Buffy struggle with her supernatural abilities and her very human life.   So we know that one must have a healthy dose of both in order to be a successful slayer.  One must have a reason to make the right choices.  Faith has major problems because she doesn't have that motivation.  She doesn't have the "normal" things that Buffy does and therefore succumbs to the "monster" within.  Angel without his soul is simply a monster.   Spike, now he's a different story.  As I've said before, he and Drusilla have a very different vampire relationship.  They "stink of humanity" in that they have the ability to love. 

Let's start with defining "human" in terms of the Buffyverse.  Human will refer to one's physical state of being and should not be confused with behavior.  Being Human means that one does not have a supernatural ability.  They do not heal quickly, nor do they possess any inherent martial arts abilities.  Of all the characters in BtVS, only two of them are true humans: Xander and Dawn.  (Dawn is definitely questionable since she started out a ball of energy and was formed into a human being, but for our purposes she is plain old human.)  Giles is not entirely a regular human.  We know he dabbled in magic in his past and has some extra abilities.  Willow starts out a plain old human until she begins her magic training.  Then she becomes a powerful Wicca, capable of destroying the Earth (until her friend appeals to her human side).  At several points in the show, Xander is cruelly reminded of his inadequacies and he helps Dawn to deal with her own lack of "specialness."  Yet, they are still able to hold their own when fighting with Buffy.  They come up with plans and make connections that further the efforts of their supernatural friends.  They are also, in many cases, the anchor that keeps their friends tethered to their individual humanity.  In other words, just because they don't have super powers it doesn't mean they are completely useless. 

Spike and Angel are different from other vampires in the show because they possess a certain amount of humanity.  They are, by no means, human but they do feel love and pain as human characters would.  They are vital to Buffy's struggle against the Hellmouth in that they have both the desire to stop evil and the means to do it.  (Obviously, Spike does not start out helpful but by the end of the series is on par with Angel.)    As we learned in "I Will Remember You", Angel is unable to protect Buffy with normal human strength.  He is injured and feels useless.  No doubt, in time he would have been able to find a niche in her life; some way to help her in the battle.  But he knows that being human has tipped the balance in favor of evil and made Buffy's struggle more difficult.  She needs warriors as well as friends around her, in order to succeed. 

There are obvious reasons why a vampire would like to be Human again. 

1) Sunlight. - Angel relishes being in the sun on the rare occasions he is allowed to exist in it. (The Gem of Amarra being one such time, his journey to Pylea being the other.) 
2) Food - A vampire with a soul can't really enjoy snacking on humans and must exist on animal blood instead.  Hamburgers must seem a lot more appealing.
3) Family - Vampire don't have the ability to father children.  When you live forever there's no need for a legacy.
4) Dying - As Darla expressed in Season 2 of Angel, some things were meant to end.  As a vampire there isn't much more than a pile of dust when one dies.  The soul departed when one became a vampire.  So what happens to a vampire that's been en-souled?  Certainly after a few centuries there must be something appealing about growing old and dying naturally.

Plus, I believe there's a certain amount of wanting to be "normal."  Having a soul in the body of a vampire can't be easy.  To have the knowledge of what you once were and what you are now must be very troubling.  A feeling of being "unnatural" must color every part of your life.  Which bears mentioning the gay-allegory in vampire mythologies.  (Of course, this can also be true for any group of people who are seen as outside the acceptable culture.)  The desire to be like everyone else.  The feeling that something isn't right, or that one is evil.  Wouldn't life be easier if one were like them? 

For a Buffyverse Character, I would say this isn't true.  Being Human isn't going to make all your troubles go away.  The "bad guys" aren't going to leave you alone because you changed, it will simply make you easier to kill.  It will have you relegated to minor parts within story-lines and won't get you your own spin-off comic/tv show.  Does Xander have his own comic?  Would they build an entire series around his character?  No.  He's an integral part of an ensemble, but not one that would be able to carry his own franchise without developing some sort of special ability. 

I don't think either Spike or Angel should attain their heart's desire.  For that (being regular humans) would render them uninteresting.  There wouldn't be any more to their story, except the humdrum the rest of us deal with.  It would be the "happily ever after" of a  fairy tale.  The thing about life is that there are rarely "happily ever afters."  There is always something else, some other obstacle.  These obstacles are interesting only to those involved.  For a fictional character, this is equivalent to death.  We watch the shows and read the comics as a way to escape the mundane as well as to understand ourselves.  A fictional character like Spike or Angel has to have larger than life issues in order to reveal a truth about our own.  Their struggle to deal with their issues, their internal contradictions, and their hope for something better makes them more human to the audience than a mortal life ever could. 

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: S1E10

I like the way this episode was done.  It takes one's worst fears and nightmares and allows them plague you during your waking hours thereby making them real.  But we don't realize this at first.  As the audience we just see spiders attack a boy in class and wonder what new villainy is this.  It's not until Buffy sits down to take a test in a class she's never attended that we begin to see what's going on.  We are presented with the standard bad dreams: showing up for a test in a class you've never taking, performing in a show without rehearsals, and realizing you are in class without any clothes on. (I am really glad this was Xander's nightmare as it allowed for some ogling.)  But then there are the more serious nightmares like Buffy's fear that she's the reason her parents separated, Giles afraid that Buffy will die on his watch.  I have to draw a comparison between Buffy and her worst nightmare of becoming a vampire to Harry Potter and his fear of dementors when facing the Boggart.  In these cases, where one's worst fears can become reality, fighting them off isn't always simple. 

Side Note: Willow says the phrase "what do they need all those legs for anyway?" when talking about the spiders and it immediately reminded me of Anya when she sings about the bunnies in a later season.....

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: S1E9

I really like the misdirection in this episode, even though it makes it obvious that Morgan isn't who we think he is.  I also like how visibly upset Morgan gets as the episode continues.  It's clear that there's something wrong with him but we don't really know what and then we seem him slowly unravel until he almost has a freak out when Sid goes missing. 

I do have to say that the dummy attacking Buffy is a little creepy and not as cute as the Smile Time episode of Angel.  This isn't one of my favorite episodes, but it's a stand alone that has its moments.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S1E8

This episode makes use of the new technologies,  i.e. the web, laptop computers with tiny, tiny screens.  Giles' reasons for not liking the Internet are pretty similar to my E-reader hesitations. 

Jenny Calendar: Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much?
Giles: The smell.
Jenny Calendar: Computers don't smell, Rupert.
Giles: I know. Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower, or a-a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell musty and-and-and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is a - it, uh, it has no-no texture, no-no context. It's-it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then-then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um, smelly. wledge gained from a computer is a - it, uh, it has no-no texture, no-no context. It's-it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then-then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um, smelly.

We're also introduced to Jenny Calendar who is just adorable.  And she quickly dispels any prejudice we have about modern science vs. Magic.  They are not mutually exclusive and one can actually benefit the other. She definitely represents the idea of free knowledge and sees academia as "old white guys" who hoard it.  She states that the Internet is a new frontier, a new world, where they can make their own rules and I find this incredibly interesting.  It really was like that in the beginning, wasn't it?  I have to say the playful banter with Giles makes me a little sad, knowing how that romance will end.   

What I find most interesting are the fears surrounding the Internet and the anonymity of it all.  Buffy is immediately concerned for Willow when she learns about "Malcolm" because Willow doesn't know what this guy looks like and that it could be anyone.  Moloch even talks about the freedom he experiences on the web and how he knows the secrets of the world leaders.  I think this is still a relevant concern in our modern world, though we've gotten a lot better at policing it.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S1E7

We finally get the low-down on this Angel character.  I have to say that I don't remember Angel having a tattoo on his back and I wonder if it plays any significance later in the series or is only used in this episode to identify Angel with Angelus in the Watchers' Diaries.  Do they ever explain what the tattoo design is?

What I like about this episode is that you don't have these characters ready to jump into a relationship despite their differences.  They recognize that they shouldn't be together, even though they have a great attraction to one another, and desperately try to do the "smart" thing.  How often do you see teenagers behaving in a logical and mature manner?  Even if you take into account that certain other pop-culture vampires force their loved one to wait until marriage for any serious physical action.  That other series, which shall remain nameless for now,  has the girl so anxious to be with the guy she doesn't care about the dangers.  It's only through his superiority that she is "saved" from her own desires.  But in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, we have two characters who understand the consequences of their hormones and make the conscious decision to stay apart.

Isn't that what young people should do?  To fully understand their desires and make the best decision without succumbing to them without reason?  And this really establishes Buffy and Angel as equals, emotionally speaking, even though he is "like 224 years older" than she is.  He has had years to grow and mature, yet here is this 16 year old girl who is able to make an equally mature and difficult decision.  And it's not bringing him down to her level either.  It sets them up as an evenly matched pair for the relationship they eventually begin later on in the series.

On a different note:  Darla uses a pair of handguns when confronting Buffy.  Clearly, she knows of the slayer's abilities and isn't taking chances or she has a desire to torture her victim a little before finally killing her.  I am going to guess it's somewhere in the middle.  We see that Darla is jealous of the budding romance between Angel and Buffy and I can't help but think this has something to do with her sadism.  I think it also sets these vampires apart from others in fiction.  Most vampires rely on their strength and vampire powers to attack and kill victims, but the BtVS vamps have no problem with taking advantage of what the modern world has to offer.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S1E6

Yet another perfect example of Xander being a hero.  We're introduced to four class bullies as they pick on a weaker student.  They persuade the boy kid to enter the closed Hyena exhibit and Xander follows to help the boy.  While there, we see Xander stand up to the bullies and push the boy to safety.  It's then that the Hyena's possess the bullies and Xander.  What I think is interesting is that Xander essentially becomes the leader of this pack, seemingly the exact opposite of his "normal" personality.  Once he's released from the curse, he readily comes to Willow's aid without a second thought.  So is this pack leader mentality really so counter-Xander?  Though he has shown himself to be incredibly loyal to his friends over and over and here, once again, he's proven that he'll put himself on the line to protect them no matter what the consequences may be.

Kind of disturbing is the scene where Xander attempts to rape Buffy interspersed with the scene where the bullies eat the Principal.  We see that this show isn't afraid of the ugly topics and it doesn't pull any punches.  Characters we see regularly are going to go through terrible situations and/or die.  Our friends are going to do things to betray our trust and life goes on.  Though I am glad that Buffy locks Xander up in the Library cage before he's dragged along into eating innocent people with the rest of his pack.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S1E5

Buffy catches the interested of the dark, brooding guy all the girls at school wish they could date.  He reads Emily Dickinson and spends a lot of time by himself.   This sounds a lot like that Edward Cullen guy, FYI.  It's no surprise when he becomes overly interested in Buffy's dangerous life since he's already a little obsessed with the idea of death.  I have to hand it to Buffy though, she is able to realize the unhealthy relationship before it even begins and declines a second date with Owen. 

There's a little standoff between the human boy and the vampire love interest at the Bronze and we begin to see the mutual attraction between Buffy and Angel.  I am a little bit impressed with Owen's ability to fend off a vampire in the funeral home.  He comes to Buffy's defense and is able kick a lot of ass before being knocked unconscious.

Angel/Buffy vs. Edward/Bella

***Note: This is a reposted entry from my livejournal, circa 2009.  It's been a long time since I read that first Twilight novel, but I don't think my opinion has changed.  My opinion about Angel on the other hand is a little different this time around.***

I read an article the other day about the vampire romances in pop culture and the young girls who love them, a la Edward Cullen.  It mentioned the Buffy/Angel relationship in the Buffy Series and called them similar.  I said, "ha," at the time.  So I sat down last night and watched most of season 1.  It's been several years since I've seen any of these episodes and the storyline, in my mind, was sketchy at best. 

First let me say, that I can see the article's point.  Angel is a vampire, with a soul, who is going against his nature to get along with the humans and help them against his own kind.  The article said the vampire in any teen romance was like the ultimate reformed bad boy.  And, I have to admit the author had a very good point.  Angel is actually much more attractive than I remember him being.  He's dark and mysterious, only showing up to warn Buffy of potential danger.  I always thought he was whiny and preferred Spike.  However, after watching the first 8 episodes of Season 1, I can admit that Angel is not that bad.  In fact, I find myself wanting them to get together.

The major differences between Buffy/Angel and Bella/Edward:  First, Joss Whedon and his team of writers are ten times better at conveying emotion and crafting plot than Stephanie Meyers.  Second, Angel's attraction is not based on the fact that she's his favorite smelling snack.  Third, as the slayer, Buffy knows the dangers for real, real.  She walks away from Angel, at the Bronze.  They both acknowledge their attraction, she realizes what he is and she walks away.  Fourth, Angel doesn't sparkle, he can't go out in the sunlight, and he doesn't feel the need to repeat high school over and over again.  Fifth, Buffy actually has super human strength and can hold her own with the vamps.  So she's not this constant damsel in distress.  Their relationship, when it happens, is the meeting of two equals, so to speak.  Sixth, one of Buffy's biggest  "no" points for a relationship with Angel is that he's "like 224 years older." 

Seventh, the actor playing Angel, David Boreanaz, is built.  The actor playing Edward, Robert Patterson, has the skinny emo look.  Angel actually wreaked havoc through Europe for at least a century before having his soul restored and being reduced to dark and emotional.  Edward is just lame from the beginning.  Angel is paying penance for evil deeds he committed before the soul restoration.  He's been the big bad and he's come back from it.  He actually admits to Buffy that, when Darla framed him for attacking Buffy's mom and Buffy sought his destruction for the attack, he wanted to kill her, but he doesn't.  Edward is just self loathing from the get go. 

So perhaps it is the introduction of this newer, whinier, lesser vampire, Edward Cullen, or perhaps it is seeing the episodes through older, different perspective eyes, but Angel is not half as bad as I used to think he was.

Other thoughts:  The Hyena episode, where Xander is possessed, is kind of awesome.  First, Nicholas Brendan is kind of hot.  Second, the other hyenas eat the principal.  Kind of brilliant

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S1E4

I have to feel sorry for Buffy in this episode.  We get a glimpse of some self-esteem issues she may have.  Dr. Gregory calls Buffy to task on her school work and we see her face fall.  She has this defeated attitude about school and assumes that the teacher is going to treat her the same way the principal did in the first episode.  But the teacher tells her he knows she can do better and expects nothing but the best for her.  He ends his speech with a wink, telling her they'll prove the nay-sayers wrong.  Of course, the guys lasts for all of five minutes before this episode's monster of the week kills him.  Thus ends the only supportive teacher we've seen in Buffy's school career.

But the main focus of the episode is on Xander and the substitute teacher who is really a giant praying mantis.  We see his self-esteems issues in the opening dream sequence; saving Buffy from a vampire before playing a kick-ass solo on stage.  In his dream he's confident and the strong hero.  But as we've seen, when it matters Xander truly does possess these qualities.  Most of the time, however, Xander doubts his own abilities and it's not exactly reinforced by his attraction to Buffy who doesn't seem to notice.  I am sure that having the hot teacher try to eat you after seducing you isn't helping either.

Elisabeth Sladen 1948-2011



from http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/dw/news/bulletin_110419_01/Elisabeth_Sladen

  I was very sad to see this article on my Google Reader today: Doctor Who/Sarah Jane Smith Adventures Star dies at 63.  I realize that I didn't watch the show when she was on Doctor Who as a regular, but it still feels like something will be missing from the Whoniverse.  I was first introduced to the character of Sarah Jane Smith in the episode, "School Reunion," which reunited the Doctor and Sarah Jane after 23 years apart.  She was so energetic and fun in that episode that I decided to tune in for the spin-off, the Sarah Jane Smith Adventures, even though it's specifically a kids' show.  The BBC has an excellent article up about her.

But I have to think that even though Elisabeth Sladen will no longer be able to film new episodes a part of her will live on.  They will use her likeness in video games, comic books, and action figures.  It's kind of like when the Doctor saved River Song in the conclusion episode, "Forest of the Dead."  She's been saved in the neural relay and will live on in the fandom forever.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: S1E3

Even though the title of the show is, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," it's not all vampires all the time.  I had forgotten that Amy Madison was introduced this early in the series.  It's interesting to see how she began as the shy, formerly fat, girl given that she plays such an important part later in the series.  (I haven't read all of Season 8 yet, so I don't yet know how complicated she becomes or if she is able to come back from the edge of evil at all.)  Here, the gang is facing magic.  Giles warned Buffy in the previous episodes that there was more to be found at the Hellmouth than the garden variety vampires she faced in LA(read: the movie), but here we actually get to see what he's talking about.  I really like that the show tackles a different type of supernatural bad guy so early in the series.  It allows the show to stay fresh and not get bogged down in it's own mythology.

I also appreciate that this series is more than just Giles, Angel, and the Scoobies with extra characters thrown in for the convenience of plot.  There are minor characters who start with and develop alongside our heroes, i.e. Amy, Harmony and Jonathan.  The plot lines are a little more believable with characters already known, to the audience, in peril or succumbing to the evil of the Hellmouth.  We feel that these people are really living and interacting in Sunnydale even when the camera isn't following them for our entertainment.  As we've seen in the previous episodes, Whedon has no qualms about killing off "regular" characters. (Alas, poor Jesse)  Though I find it odd that Jesse is introduced as such a great friend of Willow and Xander's and then we never hear about him again in the series.  Do they ever lament their dead friend in later episodes?

Volkswagen's 21st Century Debut

The new design of the Volkswagen Beetle, as seen in the view to the left, doesn't appear too visually different from the 1998 model.  But the side view offers a completely new, yet retro, vision for the beloved car.

Some of the interior shots of the new design reveal a whole set of bells and whistles that weren't available in the last model.  For example, I like the idea of the touch screen radio/navigation and the bluetooth capability.  Let me go on record as saying that I don't hate the new design.  I think it holds true to the original while keeping some of the spirit of the 1998 re-design.  That being said, I feel like it's missing something.  The thing about a classic beetle and the new beetle is that they are very unique and easily recognizable on the road, thus making road trips fun for decades with the Bunch Buggie game.  I haven't seen these in person yet but, from the pictures, I don't feel like they are quite as unique and will easily blend in with other cars.  We shall have to wait and see if my opinion changes when they start appearing on the highway.

**Please Note:  All photos from http://blogs.vw.com/beetle/picture-gallery/**

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: S1E2

We finally learn Angel's name and we learn a little bit more about the Scoobies.  I'm struck by the differences between Angel and Xander at the moment.  When Buffy starts to break into the Vampire lair she is stopped by Angel.   He gives her a few cryptic warnings about the Harvest.  My first impression of Angel is kind of mixed this time.  I don't know how I felt about him the first time I saw him, but I am a little upset with him just leaving her in the mausoleum like that.  He's clearly the dark and handsome soon to be love interest, but I think he may also be a little cowardly.  He knows what is down there, the dangers she will face, and still won't join her.

It's Xander who's willing to follow Buffy into the dark tunnels and put his own un-supernatural life on the line for his friend.  Unlike Angel, he doesn't know the dangers that lurk in the dark.  But perhaps this makes it easier for him to join Buffy.  He knows it will be dangerous, but he really has no concept of how dangerous.  Yet he goes, has it in his mind to be there for his friends and won't be talked out of it.  Of course, he did help the Vampires in the graveyard so he has to have some idea of what he's up against.  This level of bravery is unmatched in any of the characters thus far.  Buffy is, of course, brave but she knows she has super powers to back her up.  What does Xander have? 

Finally, I just love the scene where Willow exacts her revenge on Cordelia while in computer class.  Cordelia and Harmony are gossiping about the previous night's events at the bronze and speculate on Buffy's sanity.  Willow stands up for Buffy when the conversation stats to get really nasty and is immediately dismissed by the popular girls.  She is willing to back Buffy up no matter what, whether that's on the internet doing research or standing up for her when she's being run down by others. Willow, in this way, proves herself to be a stronger person than we think she is.  She also knows her strengths and how to exploit the weaknesses of others as evidenced by  her telling Cordelia the way to save her computer program is to hit the "DELiver" key.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: S1E1

I am starting to rewatch this series and figured I would write about it.  I've had a bit of a comparison with Buffy lately and I draw comfort from it. I'm not sure how to approach this, but figured I would write whatever comes to mind while watching an episode.

I know that Joss Whedon talks about creating Buffy, the character, as a twist on the idea of "the helpless blonde girl in the dark alley" that exists in the horror genre.  But I didn't realize that the show starts to correct this stereotype in the first five minutes of the series.  It does so by presenting us with two kids breaking into the local high school; a tough looking guy and an innocent looking female. (It's kind of weird to see Julie Benz as Darla again.  I've been watching her on Dexter and I can't seem to think of her as anything other than Rita any more.)  The girl is kind of hesistant and jumps at the slightest sound.  The guy is, of course, trying to persuade her to go up to the roof and explains it all away.  It's only when he reassures her that they are the only ones in the school that we realize this little girl isn't what she seems to be.  She is in fact the hunter and the boy is the prey. 

Buffy also proves that she doesn't fit into the "popular girl" stereotype the minute she is introduced to Willow.  Cordelia is her usual bitchy self and starts to pick on Willow's outfit,  most likely as a way to assert her social dominance in front of the new girl.  The look on Buffy's face as she sees Cordelia cut Willow down is proof enough that she is not the mean spirited type.  Then Buffy seeks Willow out for tutoring and has lunch with her, trying to walk the line between popularity and decent human being.  She is willing to put her life on the line for people she's just met and is willing to invite them in to her life no matter how scary it is.  She not only has the supernatural powers but a pure heart as well. 

What's in a Name?

Have you ever given any thought to your name?  I know why my parents chose the name they bestowed upon me and I spent a lot of time in my childhood thinking over its meaning and wondering if it really fit.  Of course, I would have to say that I can't imagine being named anything other than what I am.  People never tell me that I look more like a Margaret or Alexandra. 

According to Wikipedia, my name comes from the Greek word, "katharos."    Which, according to a quick search on the Internet that brought up this biblical site, means "pure" or "clean."  For most of my childhood, I knew that my name meant, "pure," and I wondered if I really was.  At the time, I was steeped in religion and worried that I wasn't worthy of heaven. Purity, as I knew it then, applied to the mind, body and soul with few exceptions.  No tattoos, earrings, alcohol, etc.  I sort of came to a point where I realized that I could never adhere to all of those things and thought my name wasn't really fitting.

As an adult, I've realize that I have lived up to my name, though not exactly in the way I expected to.  The counselor I've started seeing, just as a mental check-up if you will, has talked in our last two sessions about how the things I do come from a "pure place" and that I expect everyone elses' intentions and actions to be as honest as my own.  It was this comment that made me think about my name and it's meaning.  I don't hide things from people, if something is on my mind I will usually say it.  (Some relationship confessions of feeling notwithstanding.)  I'm always upfront with people about where I'm coming from and what I expect.  If I were to develop feelings for someone else, no matter how difficult it would be, I would make sure to end my current relationship before even exploring the new option. 

When I spoke with my ex's new girlfriend, that Saturday where all was revealed, she said that maybe there just weren't any decent guys left in the dating pool and I couldn't agree with her at all.  I know of at least one personally and my sister has at least another one I know of in her cache of best friends.  So there are at least two out there that would be worth the time, effort, loyalty, and devotion of a decent girl.   It made me feel sorry for her that she didn't think she deserved better, you know?  It was like she had given up on finding a good man because there "aren't any decent guys left in the dating pool."  There are, I wanted to say, you just have to cast your nets wider and be willing to throw back the bad ones.

There are things that have happened in my family that I just can't understand why or how they were ever okay.  True, people make mistakes, but I don't know that I would ever let myself get caught up in those situations.  I have certain expectations for how people should behave and treat others. Maybe they are idealistic and there aren't that many people out there who hold themselves to the same standard, but I have to believe there are.  There are people who believe in doing what is right, not just what is right for them.

The Benefits of Exercise

So far, I haven't seen a lot of physical benefits from exercise. (Save the slight muscle tone the other day.)  I noticed I was another pound heavier on the scale this morning, but that might have been the three hot dogs I had for dinner - no bun, I swear.  I am getting concerned about meeting my 40 pound total weight loss goal before my trip in exactly ONE WEEK.  But apparently this happens with exercise, there's a slight weight gain at first as you build muscle and then it starts to even out.  Or so I have been told.

The real benefits of exercise have been showcased in different arenas of my life.  I'm tired when I lay my head down to sleep at night, thus ensuring that my mind doesn't wander into unhappy territory and keep me awake.  I know that for at least one hour out of my day I don't have to focus on anything by my heart rate and my breathing.  In fact, aside from the songs on my ipod during my workout time, I don't really think about anything else.  This is kind of a new concept for me.  I usually have too much time to think and over think just about everything. 

But for the time on the elliptical, and most of the drive home, my brain is blissfully silent.  I don't even calculate the points I've earned or the calories I've burned.  For that short period of time, I just am.  I exist in a specific time and space, not looking ahead or thinking backwards, just there in that moment.

Minnie Muscles

I had a disappointing day at the Weight Watcher's Scale this afternoon.  It wasn't a huge gain, just .4 pounds, but I want to get to a total loss of 40 pounds before I leave for Ireland next week.  That's just 2.4 pounds, so it's absolutely doable.  Of course, going out for burgers (even if they're made of turkey) slathered in a crab imperial and aptly named "The 2131," are not the way to accomplish this.  Still they were half-price burgers and I was able to hang out with a friend.

I've been going to the gym regularly on my free nights since I joined on the 31st, so I was a little disappointed at the gain.  However, I reminded myself that building muscle can mean a gain at the scale even though the waistline is shrinking.  (come to think of it, I should probably measure myself to make sure.)  But it was while crawling into bed tonight that I realized I really am building muscle.  I could see a slight definition in my thighs and could definitely feel a tighter bum.  So, I should definitely continue what I'm doing and be more careful about writing things down in my Weight Watcher's Tracker.

Doctor Who Locations

I have discovered a most excellent web site dedicated to the filming locations for Doctor Who.  I hadn't really allowed myself the opportunity to research Cardiff, or any of Wales for that matter, out of a disbelief that I was really going and a certain amount of respect for my sister.  (She is not happy that I will be going there without her and while I understand that I can't pass up this opportunity.)  But finding this website has really allowed me to create a small list of places I want to see and pictures I just have to take.

So far this includes:

"Turn Left"

Conway Pub, 58 Conway Road, Pontcanna, Cardiff, CF11 9NW, Wales

"Silence in the Library"

Central Library, Alexandra Rd., Swansea SA1 5DX

"Blink"

Alexandra Gardens, Cathays Park, Cardiff (Welsh National War Memorial)

Fields House, 18 Fields Park Avenue, Allt-Yr-Yn, Newport, NP20 5BE

"Blink"/"Boomtown"

Glamorgan Building (Cardiff University), King Edward VII Ave., Cathays Park, Cardiff CF10 3WT

"Father's Day"

The Parish Of St. Paul's, Paget St., Grangetown, Cardiff

Gone With The Wind

I decided to watch this classic film since I hadn't seen it as an adult and I was pleasantly surprised.  I know it is not one of my dad's favorite movies and I can see why.  What did surprise me was that this wasn't the romance film I expected it to be.  Everyone talks about this great romance between Rhett and Scarlett and I have to say that it didn't conform to my idea of a romance at all.  Instead, I felt that this movie was more centered on Scarlett's fight for survival and the friendship/rivalry with Melanie Wilkes.

First of all,  the actual relationship between Rhett and Scarlett is a very dysfunctional one.  His initial pursuit of her has nothing to do with marriage as he often states to her he's not the "marrying kind."  She calls on him when she is in serious financial or immediate trouble and little else.  When they do actually marry, it's because he realizes she is financially independent and he won't have any power over her anymore.  Even then, it's a relationship where they attempt to destroy one another.  His extreme jealousy over her infatuation with Ashley Wilkes drives him to a certain level of violence towards his wife. 

The scene after he sends her to Ashley's birthday party, in that famous red dress, is a very disturbing one.  He actually tells her that he feels the only way to get Ashley out of her head is to crush it like a walnut and proceeds to squeeze her head between his hands.  When Rhett returns from England, and Scarlett is ready to forgive and move on, they have a fight that results in her falling down a flight of stairs.  Accident though it may have been, this level of physical violence between them is not uncommon.  After Bonnie's death, Mammy recounts the fights between them to Miss Melly, "It makes my blood run cold, the things they say to one another," and one has to wonder what else she has witnessed in her time there.

The amount of screen time the two actually share is less than that of Scarlett and Miss Melly.  Set up as rivals for Ashley Wilkes' affection, they are constantly thrown together throughout the film and eventually become friends.  First, Scarlett decides to stay with Melanie in Atlanta as a means to stay close to Ashley and then she is charged with taking care of her by Ashley.  They share a Thelma and Louise moment when Scarlett shoots the Yankee deserter in the face and Melanie helps cover it up.  Then, Melanie offers emotional support during Rhett and Scarlett's tumultuous marriage.

from SeeingSepia blog

Scarlett starts out as the stronger of the two, and indeed she is physically stronger, but Melanie proves that she is just strong.  They are both women with fierce loyalties and ones who will do anything for the people they love.  Scarlett marries a man she does not love so she can support her family and the Wilkeses by keeping Tara.  Melanie stands by her friend, and husband, in the face of gossip and social ruin.  Scarlett can accomplish anything she sets her mind to and does, in fact, create an independent existence for herself in a time period where women should have been ornamentation.  But Melanie has enough influence in society that even when it is suspected her husband and best friend are having an affair, it only takes her word to quell those rumors and bring Scarlett back from the edge of social obscurity.

They are both women of power and influence in a time when it was uncharacteristic for women to be so.  Even if you consider that the novel was written in the 30's, it's still amazing to have these strong female characters. (Though I have yet to read the novel.  I may feel differently about this later.)  However, they are also very different women.  Scarlett maintains control and power through harsh words and actions; wrestling her independence from the hands of men and carpetbaggers.  Melanie is given power and control through her kind words and open heart.  Belle Watling covers up Ashley's part in the attack on the yankees in the forest, where Scarlett was attacked, because of the way Melanie treated her during the war.  Belle even makes a point to say that if it had been Scarlett alone in that kind of trouble she wouldn't have helped at all.  If Scarlett could have gotten over her Ashley choosing Melanie for his wife sooner, the things they could have accomplished together would have been ridiculous. 

from augustani al cinema

A Slutty Phase?

In discussions this weekend, someone told me that everyone is allowed to go through a slutty phase.  This conversation came up because I related that I was considering a benefits only agreement with someone I had just met.  It's not really the kind of thing I do, or typically would enjoy, but I am simply not in a place right now where I want to legitimately date people.  True, I have dusted off my online dating profile (though I didn't update the pictures, yet), but I am really just not in the right frame of mind to be open to meeting someone new right now.  No one is going to be the person I want them to be, not even the person I want them to be, and it's really not fair to those who are genuinely open to a relationship right now.  Though, that is probably the person I should meet and, in a romantic comedy movie, they would restore my confidence in people.  But, in reality, I would not be open and I don't want to hurt someone the way that I've been hurt.

I also don't want to continue feeling sorry for myself.  I have lost a lot of weight and I look damn good.  There is no reason, except for my broken heart, why I should feel sorry for myself and I should take advantage of this new body I've uncovered; stretch my legs and test some boundaries. But I should also be careful and not put myself in dangerous situations.  So this arrangement will work for me for now.  It's someone I can't hurt and hopefully they can't hurt me, but certain needs will be satiated and I won't think so much about what was.  It will still be there but this may be the crutch to help me get past it until I can fully heal.  But I've given myself the summer for this so-called "slutty phase."  Anything longer than that will be excessive and dangerous to my emotional well-being.

Personality Tests

So I took one of those online test thingies -


Turns out my personality type on the Meyers-Briggs is ESFJ.  I'm not really sure what that means, but according to the Keirsey Temperament Website it convieniently linked to it is this:

 Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Transcripts, Classes, Reimbursements, oh my!

I went to see my HR representative today.  After my review with the Boss Lady, I figured I should look into what options the company had to offer in terms of educational pursuits.  Turns out that I could get a 100% reimbursement if my final grade is an A and I don't use financial aid.  I don't know what it would be if I had financial aid, but I'll have to look into it if I go to Grad School for real. 
For now, I am just looking at a class over the summer at the local community college. (I've ordered my transcripts from undergrad and will try and stop over at the advisors in the next few days.) It will be Principles of Accounting I, so we'll see how that goes.  If I find it as frustrating as my sister is, then it's probably not the right path for me and I will be back at the starting line trying to figure out what career to pursue.  If it's something that, at least, makes sense to me and I don't completely hate, then it could be a great option as I already have several years in the field as an Accounting Clerk/Assistant.

I just want to be more financially stable and eventually have the ability to quit Hallmark AND afford to buy a house in the next five years.  Maybe these are high expectations, but I have to have something to aim for or I will spend the next ten years running around in circles thinking things are "good enough."

Annual Review @ Work

This morning my boss called me into her office and I figured I knew what it was about since I had just had the thought driving in that it would be time for my annual review soon.  As of April 21st,  I will have been employed at my job for two years.  Once I reach that anniversary, I will earn an extra week of vacation a year (or three extra days for this particular calendar year since it's a late date).

Boss Lady had a lot of nice things to say about me and told me how much she appreciated what I did.  It was actually really uplifting to hear.  We also talked about me taking a class at the community college, most likely over the summer, and seeing how that goes.  How it might be something I would like to pursue and what oppotunities exist in the company for me.

Kristin Chenoweth & Pushing Daisies

Cast of Pushing Daisies
from The Torch Online Article

I had never heard of Kristin Chenoweth until I purchased a copy of the Wicked Broadway Soundtrack, (I highly recommend it btdubs).  She quickly became a favorite of mine and I snapped up her album, Let Yourself Go, as soon as I saw it.  Her vocal range is amazing to say the least and a lot of the songs have a playfulness I haven't seen in a long time.  For great examples check out "If (You hadn't but you did)" or "The Girl in 14G".  She is just adorable and I want to be her best friend.

Then, I discovered the series, Pushing Daisies,  (The best description, besides wikipedia, I can find is this review.)  and here is Kristin starring as Olive Snook.  It's a wonderful series that has offered me the sort of escapism I need right now.  There is something so very sweet about the show that it just makes me feel better.  Even with my identifying with Olive's unrequited love for the main character, Ned, it doesn't make me sad.  Instead it gives me a sense of hope and joy for however long I'm watching it. 

Unfortunately, it is a very short series as it was interrupted by the writer's strike, in 2007 I believe, and was never able to recover before being cancelled shortly into its second season.  I think there are only 22 episodes total.  But the sets and costumes are just fantastic.  I would have described it as being like a "fairy tale" even without reading the different reviews or creator's interviews.  It's fun and original and I am very sorry that we weren't able to go on more adventures with Chuck, Ned, Olive, and Emerson.  Though I hear tell that there will be a comic released in 2011, a la Buffy, as a season 3.

Advice for When I have None

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
          —   Epictetus

http://bitsofwisdom.org/2011/04/06/dont-worry-about-people-from-your-past/

Selfishness?

It's very easy to get wrapped up in the tragedy of own lives and forget the struggles and pains of others.  Mine has been so loud in my ears that it has drowned out the words and kindnesses of others.  It's made me feel alone in a crowd.  I feel like there is no one to see me, the real me, the me inside.  Like I am on the peripheral of people's lives after having been in the center ring of someone's, even if for a short period of time; a side character in someone else's sitcom.  This feeling has not yet gone away, nor has it really diminished, but I have been reminded that there are worse things in this world.

I spent my day off on Saturday in DC with a dear friend, her husband and an old school friend of hers.  I wasn't really myself, but I was there and that was important for me.  She and her friend hadn't seen each other in 11 years and spent a good deal of time catching up.  Mostly talking about their chronic illnesses.  This is something I will readily admit, I have a hard time listening to in general.  My mother had some serious emotional health issues a few years ago and leaned rather heavily upon me.  So much so that I have to check myself whenever someone mentions Fibromyalgia or other unexplained chronic pain problems.  I know that these are legitimate problems for other people, but my knee-jerk reaction always takes me to that place where I dealt with my mother.  These are my issues, not theirs and I always try to keep an open mind about it.  My friend talked about her own depression, related to her health problems, and the feeling of helplessness she had and I felt like a total asshole.  She talked about having a tough time and not wanting to do things with people and how people just stopped calling her to hang out.  I was one of those people.  I'd tried to get a children's group started with her around that time in her life and had only been frustrated by her inability to make plans and attend events the way I was.  I just didn't understand and, dealing with my mom's issues at the same time, I didn't really try.

As it turns out, my friend's friend had major health problems last summer (of the Ulcerative Colitis variety) and actually had her colon removed late last year.  I connected with her on Facebook today, and Ravelry since she is a crafter by trade.  In doing so, I discovered her website and blog.  I read through a couple of her entries and was just overwhelmed by this feeling of selfishness.  She talks openly and honestly about her health problems and what she experienced.  I've spent the last few weeks torn up by this simple thing of a broken heart and I haven't had to experience any of the frightening things she talks about in her entries.  Yes, I had the gall bladder problem last summer, but that's about the scariest thing I've had to deal with in a very long time.

Today, my boss asked me how I was doing.  I said, "fine."  I didn't really want to get into things at work.  One never wants to over share, you know.  But then she asked me if I'd heard from him and of course that set me off.  I had to tell her about my discoveries last weekend and the message I'd received this weekend.  She was very sympathetic and supportive.  Told me she felt I was dealing with it very well all things considered and that I had to look at the big picture.  She reminded me that it was okay to be angry and sad and feel the way I did and I shouldn't feel bad about it.  But I know that her husband is still in the hospital after a couple of weeks.  He has a major infection in his body that they can't determine the cause of the cure right now.  It has to be incredibly frightening for her and her family.  Yet she sat and listened to me; told me the story about how she met her husband and assured me that there would be something similar in my future.

My own dear friend, M, is going through his own heartbreak.  His was much more serious, much longer in time and much deeper in mutual attachment.  Though he's had a few months to work through it.  But he will sit and listen to me complain about everything.  He's a much better friend to me than I've been to him lately.

I am sad, I am angry, I am confused.  I feel alone, I feel unlovable, I feel diminished.  All of these things are valid emotions, but I can't let them be like a train in the background of my interactions with people.  I need to remember that we all have our struggles and if all I have to worry about is my broken heart, I should count myself lucky.  I have my health, I have a good job, I am going to Ireland, I have family and friends that care about me even when they don't see me.  I've worked very hard on improving my life and I am starting to see that work pay off, I just need to realize that this break-up is not the worst thing that will happen to me and I can't let it overshadow all of the good things I do have nor let it break down those positive habits I've set in place.

The Third of April

The third of April and the fifth of October are never easy days for me, or the rest of my family for that matter. My paternal grandmother would have been 84 today and even though she's been gone for the last 14 years I think about her often and especially in difficult times.  I'm having a difficult time of things right now, in case you hadn't noticed, and I wonder what advice or consolation she would have for me. What had she experienced in her life that would lend comfort to mine? These are the things I wonder when I miss her; what stories were left untold when she died?

She was an amazing lady, as far as I can remember.  Though the details tend to get fuzzier as time goes on and sometimes it feels like I'm trying to catch sand in my hands; the grains slipping through my hands the harder I try to hold onto them.  Then some days she's there like it was yesterday.  The biggest thing I wish I could remember:  the actual sound of her voice.  Sometimes I think I can hear it, but it's never quite right.  I wish they'd had those recordable books when she was alive or that I could find a family video tape with her talking.

As for me, I've decided that I have until I finish my current journal to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's taken me a little over 3 months to get a little past the halfway. So I figure that is more than enough time to get to a more positive frame of mind and not too much time that it's ridiculous. Though, I know I won't be completely myself for a while. I just cant let myself wallow in my sorrows.  I am sure that I will be in a better frame of mind long before I reach the end of this current journal, but it helps to have a deadline in mind.

Permanent Ink

from http://www.tattoos.org/galleries/Bird_Tattoo_Designs/black-phoenix-bird.jpg

Tribal Phoenix by
Adam Jon Dicky

Phoenix Tattoo by
Oreozili

At present, I do not have any tattoos.  It is something I think about from time to time, but haven't exactly committed to just yet.  There is something about the permanence of it and my ability to change my mind about clothes and styles too quickly.  Right now, I am considering a Phoenix tattoo as it has become my symbol for the moment.  It is not the first time I have looked to the phoenix for inspiration, but it's usually under the same circumstances that I seek it out.

I have overcome a great many things to be the person I am today.  When I have troubles, I always emerge from them stronger and better than I was before and I know that this time in my life will be no different.  So the idea of a phoenix tattoo is back on the table, though I doubt I will actual follow through with it.  It would have to be small enough I won't regret it later and in a location that won't morph and change with time and weight.  So a lot to be considered before actually thinking about it seriously.

A Fool's Day

Today I received an e-mail from my ex.  It's partially my fault as I sent a text message last weekend, after we had our discussions about what happened.  In my text message, I merely asked if it were at all possible for him to save one of the St. Patrick's Day beers for me to try.  NOT hey save one for me and we'll get together and have them.  Just a simple olive branch type of thing that I didn't expect would be a legitimate possibility.  But the point was that I was trying to keep the friendly lines of communication open for later use; to get across the point that despite what had happened I didn't hold a grudge.

I didn't hear back about it all week, and honestly I didn't expect to at all.  But today I get an e-mail that says he thinks I'm trying to "hold on to the idea of us getting back together and I really just need to move on.  Oh and by the way, I don't appreciate you telling my new girlfriend that you'll be friends when I dump her."  This is paraphrasing of course, but you get my point.  He e-mailed because of something I said in a conversation with her a week ago, that she apparently just told him.  What I did say to her was that I thought she was cool and had we met under different circumstances we might have been friends.  I also said that if he didn't work on his issues and legitimately try to rebuild trust with her and she felt she couldn't stay with him that she should give me a call and we'd go out.  But I also said that I sincerely hoped things worked out between them and that he did try to get over his other ex girlfriend and that one day if they got married I would hope we'd all be at a point where we could be friends and I could share in their joy.  So I wasn't saying that he would dump her eventually and that she should call me, but I didn't say that they would live forever and ever happily ever after.  The thing is that everything for them is up in the air right now and when I talked to her on the phone I was trying to be realistic and encouraging, though I honestly don't know why.

I responded, of course, to his e-mail today before I really had time to think about it and that was probably a bad thing.  But I explained that he took my words to her out of context and that I wasn't trying desperately to hold on to him.  To say that I didn't wish we could go back to before he even met her and all this happened would be a lie, I was sincerely happy then and I am not now.  But I am also not delusional and I know that even if we had a chance at getting back together it would never work; that trust has been broken and in the back of my mind I would always doubt.  I would never be able to have that happiness back again for all the wishing in the world.  So I am trying to move on.  It's only been a week since I learned of all these complicated parts to our break-up and the previous week was spent consoling myself that he was just confused and we would get back together.  With the knowledge that he was with and might love someone else, I've had to take a different approach to healing and thus have only had a week to deal.

A week is far too soon for any real progress to be made in that arena (though clearly two weeks is enough to know if you're in love with someone so maybe he feels I'm dragging my feet on this) but the point is I am laying the groundwork for a better future.  I am not waiting for him to come back with oaths of anything, though a small part of me wishes it were possible, because realistically I know better.  And he should have ignored the text message I sent completely.  There was no need to respond, even a week later, to it except the fact that he was upset about something I said to his girlfriend a week ago and he'd just found out about it.  He said he felt threatened by it, though I have no idea why.  I have said nothing threatening, nor have I said anything malicious or hateful to him and if I felt that way he surely would have deserved it.  I didn't even tell her she could do better. 

I am tired of getting to a point where I feel a little bit better and then get dragged back into this mess.  They clearly have issues and, even though they are deciding to stay together, it will be a tough road ahead for them both.  I am not included in this anymore, I shouldn't be messaged about it.  I should not be made to feel worse about something when I have done nothing wrong.  I probably should have been a little more cautious and truly given a lot of distance before sending anything, friendly or otherwise.  But I had felt really positive after the conversations last week and I genuinely wanted to prove that friendship was possible down the road.  Since then, I have felt otherwise.  Especially since I am having such a hard time dealing with the loss of that friendship and companionship.  Last weekend I felt better about it, but the truth of it hadn't sunk in completely, and I sent something kind in an unguarded moment.  I thought if I just treated him the way I would my other friends I don't see regularly it would be okay.

I know that if we are to be friends, it won't be for a very long time if at all.  I was not trying to force that issue.  I haven't been messaging everyday or keeping up old behaviors at all.  I took both of their numbers out of my phone, blocked him on Facebook, now I've set up a filter in my e-mail to catch any messages that could derail my efforts of recovery.  I just feel like this came about because he was trying to separate himself as much as possible from what happened.  Unfortunately, he will not look back on our time together fondly because it will always be tied up with what he did.  At some point, I will be able to, but I realize now that he won't be able to get past it and a friendship will not be possible.  In reality that option was gone forever the minute he started lying to me and certainly when he started sleeping with us both.

I shouldn't have to defend myself when I've done nothing wrong and I don't know why I felt the need to.  It feels like I am being punished for some reason I haven't figured out yet.  Perhaps someone else will read this and feel like I am protesting too much, and maybe I am, but the last thing I wanted was for him to have a reason to loathe the memory of me.  Like my sister did with her first girlfriend.  I wanted it to be like her first serious girlfriend.  Someone that a few years down the road the person would be able to truly say they were sorry and that they'd messed up any chances but were glad that you were happy and hoped you could talk friendly from time to time without any hard feelings.  But someone you could look back on and smile when you thought about them and vice versa.  But whoever that person was, the one I knew and loved, is gone forever if, in fact, they ever existed at all.  I liked that person and wanted to have that friendship for later.  Then this all happened and I have to cut someone I sincerely like out of my life for the good of everyone involved.  And I think that is what makes this entire process so much more difficult than any break-up I've been through before.