Passports in Time

from Gizmodo: "George Orwell is Crying"

Yesterday, I received my new passport.  I was starting to get a little worried what with the Government Shutdown and only a few more weeks until my trip.  But thankfully it came through and now the government can shutdown whenever it pleases.

I also received my expired passport back in the mail, for which I was very grateful, and couldn't help but notice the differences.  My old passport had an actual photo taken and laminated onto the inside of the front cover with all of my important information.  This passport, even though I sent actual photos, was printed digitally.  Both, I feel, are not accurate depictions of me.  The one from ten years ago is so washed out you can only make out my eyes and mouth.  This one is so pixelated that there are weird reddish splotches around the shadows on my face, not to mention it's blown up and stretched out so that it looks nothing like the original I sent in.

E-Passport Logo

This new passport, which was updated in 2007, includes "a small contactless integrated circuit" that contains a digital copy of everything on my informational page.   This computer chip, embedded in the back cover, uses a biometric identifier (mostly face recognition software).  These are added security features but, as with anything, there is the possibility for them to be exploited.
There are questions about possible "skimming" of the information on the chip and general identity theft.  According to the US Department of State, they've already taken this into consideration:

“Skimming.” We use an embedded metallic element in our passports. One of the simplest measures for preventing unauthorized reading of e-passports is to add RF blocking material to the cover of an e-passport. Before such a passport can be read, it has to be physically opened. It is a simple and effective method for reducing the opportunity for unauthorized reading of the passport at times when the holder does not expect it. 

Also:

“Skimming and Eavesdropping.” We have adopted Basic Access Control (BAC) to minimize the risk of “skimming” and “eavesdropping.” Basic Access Control requires that the initial interaction between the embedded microchip in the passport and the border control reader include protocols for setting up the secure communication channel. To ensure that only authorized RFID readers can read data, Basic Access Control stores a pair of secret cryptographic keys in the passport chip. When a reader attempts to scan the passport, it engages in a challenge-response protocol that proves knowledge of the pair of keys and derives a session key. If authentication is successful, the passport releases its data contents; otherwise, the reader is deemed unauthorized and the passport refuses read access. This control would require the receiving state to read the passport machine-readable zone (MRZ) to unlock and read the data on the chip. The MRZ information is used for computing the encryption and message authentication keys used for the “secure” exchange. BAC mollifies the possibility of both “skimming” and “eavesdropping.”

Overall, it provides a more complex passport that will be difficult to duplicate or counterfeit.  When I think about my old passport, which could have easily had the picture replaced, I can't help but think these are changes for the better.  Of course, with the advance of technology comes new obstacles and challenges to security.  With internet shopping and online profiles it's easier than ever to gain access to private information, but it's also easier to learn of fraud when it happens to you.  We're never going to live in a world where we don't have to worry about these things.  Someone will always try to find the easy way or feel like they're cleverer than other people and therefore above the rules and regulations by which other people live their lives.  There will always be dishonesty in this world.  The best we can do is to protect ourselves without holing up in a cave somewhere.

A few other articles you might like to check out:
Worldhum - "New US Passport: Like being given coloring book that your brother already colored in"
New York Times - "Stars and Stripes, Wrapped in the Same Old Blue"
Gizmodo - "New E-Passport Is Patriotic, High-Tech and Ugly"

Government Shutdown

I am a bit concerned about things in my personal life right now, as you may have been able to tell, and as much as I am trying to care about the important day to day things I just can't.  But in a effort to write about something other than my broken heart and keep something interesting for the casual reader, may I present this Washington Post Article.

We had a meeting at work that came up very suddenly on every one's calendar at 1:30pm, it was the same exact time as my Weight Watchers at Work meeting so I was not in attendance (I've also lost 37 pounds officially, but I'm not excited about it right now), but the gist was that with the impending Government shut down we weren't getting as many orders and had to restructure.  (a.k.a. there are a few layoffs.)  9 people were laid off, including a program director for one of the programs I work with.  This has me a little bit concerned on many levels. 

On one hand, my co-workers are working extra hard and willing to take on any extra tasks to prove that they are needed and useful.  I have no motivation to do my regular work right now let alone try to kiss up to the big cogs in the wheel.  Which does not look good at all, I am sure, but my boss is aware of what's happening with me right now and I've proven myself in the past.  As long as this apathy to everything doesn't continue an abnormally long time, I should be fine.

On the other hand, I wonder how bad things really are in the Government Contractor field.  Not to mention the Government Sector.  Do I really want to pursue an education in Library Science in order to get a job with a government office?  The last time we had a government shut-down was apparently 1995-1996 and a lot of people had to take time off without pay.  Is a Government Job really as secure as I've always thought it was?

Time Alone

I realize that I am my own worst enemy right now.  When I am at work, or doing something that involved thought, I am fine.  I am distracted and focused on anything else but what is actually bothering me.  But the minute I have two or three minutes to let my mind wonder, that's when I get into trouble.  I can't help but replay things over and over in my head or think about how my ex cheated on me.  I keep seeing him having sex with this other person and it kills me every time.

I gave my forgiveness, and I truly do forgive, but the getting over is going to be more difficult.  Because I still can't reconcile the fact the the person I knew and loved could do this to another human being, let alone me.  I know that he wasn't in love with me, I know this, so it wasn't as large of a betrayal as it could have been.  But it still was a betrayal of my trust and my feelings and that is the hardest part.  I can't think of the good times without the bad ending.  I can't villainize and hate him, because of everything that came before.  It doesn't make this situation right and his decisions were completely wrong.

Perhaps the hardest thing is that, even if it were someone I wasn't in love with, I could never do this to another person and I can't completely wrap my head about his actions.  I can understand why things happened the way they did and even forgive the person I knew before all of this, but I couldn't lie directly to anyone I cared about.  I couldn't juggle two people that cared about me simply because I was too afraid to make a decision.  The one time I dated two people, both knew it wasn't exclusive or really serious.  Every month the main guy I was seeing and I would sit down and talk about whether we wanted to move to exclusivity or if this was working for us.  Since we weren't exactly romantically attached to each other, we always decided to keep it an open dating relationship just not to discuss what we did with other people.  But I still felt bad about seeing other people.  I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong or hurting anyone, but I knew it wasn't right for me.  We were honest and open with each other, but I still felt like I was lying and I hated myself for it. It's something I will never agree to again. 

If I didn't know this feeling was temporary and that I was strong enough to get over this as I have so many other things, it might be easier to feel this miserable.  I could feel like the world was over and I would never be happy again.  Wallow in my sorrows until little bit, by little bit it receded into the ocean of memory.  But knowing I will survive this and go on to better things only makes the ache in my chest frustrating.  The flooding of memories and feelings of self doubt that rush at me when I have those two or three minutes to wonder around my brain are tortuous.  Because I know it will get better and I wish I were already over this part.

Elephants on Parade

Elephants on Parade

For some reason, maybe because I LOVE elephants, this is my ray of sunshine for today.  Now to just figure out how to get there and see this.

Ten Years Ago

Reading through my journal from ten years ago.  It's not exactly ten years to the month, but the very first entry in the book I picked up today is discussing whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me.  Then there are later entries about how he told me he loved me and how great it was to feel the same way at the same time.  This is all not cool.  I am writing most of the same things in my journal ten years later.  And I find it very disturbing that I am in a very similar place that I was last year.  Though the cause of my pain is not nearly as much of an asshole.  Well, okay, his actions were very assholish...but as a person he's not as bad as either of the two I've previously written about.  Though the end result is the same....

Other things in my journal from 2001:
1) Encounters with Jim that I had completely blocked out of my mind.  Reading through them again, I completely understand why my subconscious tucked them away.
2) I wrote about worrying if I would ever have a chance at a healthy relationship given the examples around me.
3) Also, about possibly having major things wrong with me mentally that I wouldn't even know were wrong.  Because of the people around me.

Sex, Lies, and Relationships

I've just come out of a very rough weekend.  I am emotionally and physically drained at the start of my work week.  I can't even think about going back and writing entries to make it look like I posted every day for the year. 

On Friday, I saw my ex in my shopping center while I was going to work at my second job.  In all the possible moment combinations of him walking to the Target and me driving by to get to my end of the complex, it had to happen at the moment.  It was like a cruel cosmic joke and I honestly couldn't get in the right frame of mind for work until at least 20 minutes after I'd been there.  Then I received an e-mail from his new girlfriend at around 1:00 am that night.

Turns out she didn't know he'd dated me at all and had only recently discovered he was lying about it when she saw my comment of "wow, just wow," get deleted from their status update on Facebook.  I found out many things this weekend and some of them were helpful.  Some of them I can't get out of my mind and they make me sick to my stomach.  I have truly given forgiveness to my ex, I understand why he did what he did even though it was the wrong thing to do.  He went on three dates with her before my Birthday, in February, and realized he wanted to be with her but didn't want to repeat what had happened to me last year and decided to wait til after my birthday to break-up with me.  That I can respect and even appreciate. 

It's the knowledge that for two weeks after my birthday the days he had sex with her were sandwiched between days he had sex with me.  I should have known something was up because after my birthday he would say he was busy on this day but then schedule with me for the next day.  I took him at his word that he was just busy with packing and had a lot to worry about with the move.  But he was moving her into the main stage and me out.  That I cannot seem to shake at all.  It keeps rolling around in my mind and tormenting me in my quiet moments.  I told him that the next time he thought about any behavior like this he should consider his 13 year old female cousin, to whom he is very close, and how he would feel is a boyfriend treated her the way he treated me.  And he told me I could not have picked a more perfect example.

I know that he is truly sorry and that everything before he met this new girl was honest and true.  I also know that his recent actions came out of cowardice more than lechery.  He's not over his ex in Texas, which was something I was always concerned about, and he won't truly be able to connect with someone else until he gets over that.

As for me, well, it sucks knowing that my evenings won't have random phone calls from a lover who just wants to be with me.  That I have to think of ways to distract myself from remembering the good times with him and lamenting how it all ended.  At least I am over the something is wrong with me phase and into the I'm going to die alone phase of the break-up.  But I know that even if he had decided to stay with me, this level of deception would have destroyed any chance we would have had together.  I know I would not have been able to get over the betrayal of trust no matter how much I wanted to, I would always wonder if he was thinking of her while we were together.  I wonder that even now, with that two weeks of overlap, was he thinking of her when we were together and vice versa.  I just wish I didn't have to go through this at all and that I could get back to normal and be open for someone that does deserve to be with me.  I just wish I could go to sleep at night without thinking of the way it felt to be in the same bed with him and talk til we fell asleep, holding hands.

A Place Holder

because I could not bring myself to write and did not want to quit my daily entries for this bullshit.

When it rains, it pours

Turkish Word of the Day yesterday was "drama." 

I was suckerpunched yesterday morning.  Boyfriend and I broke up a week ago, as you may remember, and I was down about it but I was hopeful that things would work out somehow.  I wasn't counting on it, but the way we ended it seemed like it could be temporary.  First thing yesterday morning, I see that he is Facebook Official with a girl he met a few months ago at a trivia thing with his work friends. 

It's been a week since we broke up and he told me that he didn't think he would ever meet someone he'd marry.  I asked him point blank if it was because of someone else and he lied to my face.  Apparently, they've been friends for a month and he would have been perfectly fine with me had he never met her.  But their three meetings, in group settings supposedly, was enough for him to be completely distracted and become no longer interested romantically in me.  The very same night that he broke up with me, he called her to talk about it.  He confessed it was because he had feelings for her and she confessed the same and what can you really do at that point?  She's already met his mom and gotten the Facebook official status.  He wouldn't meet my parents just yet, said he just wasn't ready, and wouldn't accept my Facebook request because he didn't like people knowing his business and preferred to keep his personal life private.  I asked if he was in love with her, he said "I'm not sure, probably."  Which is really more than I was able to achieve in the 9 months we were together.

I just don't understand how one can fall in love in less than two weeks.  I mean, you can't even know a person in two weeks let alone know if you love them.  I understand the chemical reactions and hormones make it seem that way, but this is just ridiculous.  But the one thing that is glaring me in the face is that if he was able to feel comfortable doing these things with her in just two weeks, he was never going to get there with me.  If he was going to be it would have happened by now.

The problem now is that he can't understand why I can't be friends with him.  If all of this had happened months from now.  It would have hurt a lot less and felt a lot less personal.  But really, he chose her over me and how can I not be hurt by that.  He didn't even have the courtesy to call me or text me before to warn me.  Just allowed it to show up in my friend feed and kick the legs out from under me.  Friends don't do that.  That and the thought of him being happy with someone else, loving someone else, just makes me physically ill.

Now, I don't know what to do.   It was one thing when he simply cared about me, but didn't know what he wanted.  Now, I've been jilted again and it will take some time.

The Difference of A Decade

I came across this posting, "The Difference A Decade Can Make" on my Google Reader yesterday and it got me thinking.  I have been down on technology recently and didn't really have a perspective for how far we've come in the last decade.  I kept thinking about the power of flight being harnessed in 1908 and then landing on the moon about 60 years later.  I wondered why we hadn't colonized the moon at this point or seen that type of advancement in a similar amount of time.

from http://dangreenblatt.com/blog/2008/08/04/our-parents-wrote-letters/

But this post really gave me a very different perspective on the technological advances we take for granted every day.  It's very easy to see the difference between flying and landing on the moon.  But how much thought have I really given to the cell phone I didn't have ten years ago to the one I have now.  The first cell phone I had, the Nokia 5110, was a small brick with very basic functions.  The screen wasn't color, but the faceplate was interchangeable.  Compare this with my new iPhone 3GS, or even the HTC Fuze I had previously, and you'll see that there is a huge difference.

Poachers

I've been single for officially a week today and I've already had an opportunist try to take advantage of the situation.  It's this guy that I went on one date with several years ago.  He was friends with my sister when we were little so he was already a Facebook friend.  But every six months or so I get an e-mail from him asking how I am, if I'm dating anyone, etc.  As soon as my relationship status was changed on Facebook, I had a message in my inbox.

It was pretty benign, however, just asked how I was doing, etc.  So I answered.  I know I shouldn't have, it only encourages people.  But I so no reason not to be nice when someone had politely asked how I was doing after my break-up.  So I get another one yesterday that asked if I would like to go get a drink sometime.  I ignored it, but through the fluke of modern technology and my apparent inability to update a Facebook status message from my iphone a message was sent to him.  He realized it must have been a status message and pointed it out to me.  I apologized for the error and hoped that would be that.  Then later I get another message asking about that drink.

So this morning, I had to bluntly say that I wasn't really looking to date anyone right now.  Mission accomplished, so far I haven't had a response.  It just pissed me off, though.

1) It clearly was not an attempt at being a friend.  When the only contact you've had with another person has been solely online for more than 3 years and they don't live a large geographical distance away, it's not a friendly gesture.
2) Anyone who wants to pursue a legitimate relationship with someone else is going to wait longer than a week after they break up with someone.  So this is clearly not this person's intent.
3) This is akin to the creepy old guy at the bar who wants to buy you drinks with dirty names.

This, my readers, is a poacher.  Someone who may deploy the "shotgun method" of hitting on people.  You know, that person who will hit on anything and everything in the hopes that one of them will actually achieve the desired result.  If I were a weaker person, or perhaps a little desperate to find that connection or any connection with another human being, it might have worked.

But the last year that I spent working on myself and making my life better has rendered me immune to this business.  Granted a lot of that work was bolstered by the fact that I dated my ex.  (He was very attractive, took care of himself, had a lot going for him and he was interested in me.)  Except for this recent turn of events, that has absolutely nothing to do with me personally, everything about that relationship was amazing.  He was someone who genuinely cared about me.  That's what I want, and that's what I deserve.  Even if it's not with that particular guy, more's the pity, I could never settle for anything less than that.  Not now, not with where I am physically, emotionally, and financially.

Jasper Fforde's Newest Book

Budgetary overruns almost buried the remaking before the planning stage, until relief came from an unexpected quarter. A spate of dodgy accounting practices in the Outland necessitated a new genre in Fiction: Creative Accountancy. Shunned by many as `not a proper genre at all,' the members' skills at turning thin air into billion-dollar profits were suddenly of huge use, and the remaking went ahead as planned. Enron may have been a pit of vipers in the Outland, but they quite literally saved the BookWorld.

Bradshaw's BookWorld Companion (16th edition)



from http://www.jasperfforde.com/



When I first received this book in the mail, from Amazon of course, I was excited to see a map drawn on the first few pages.  Every since I read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, it's been one of my favorite things to see in a book.  I love to compare the location of things as I am reading through the story.  I have to admit I was somewhat confused by the map in this novel since readers of the series know that the layout of bookworld isn't entirely known to the reader or its inhabitants.  After reading the first few chapters I discovered the reason:  Bookworld was being reorganized to more closely resemble the Outland, or Real World.

Told from the point of view of the Written Thursday, what I really like about this novel is that Fforde is not afraid to completely change what we know about this world he's created.  He starts out with a different Thursday as his main character then reshapes the Bookworld.  It really keeps a reader on his or her toes and challenges what we have come to expect from this series.  I feel like I should have gone back and read First Among Sequels before diving into One of Our Thursdays is Missing as a few plot points from the previous novel were fuzzy and I was looking for answers in the new one.  This is clearly my own memory fault and not that of the author's.

Undoubtedly, this is still one of my favorite series and I highly recommend it to anyone.  The basic premise of the series is a character who lives in an alternate-reality Swindon, UK and has the ability to jump into novels and interact with the characters as if they were actors in a play.  Using Written Thursday as the POV on this one allows the reader to learn a little bit more about what it means to be a book character in the Nextian Universe.  Fforde pulls in a lot of our current events into this narrative and even touches on what the invention of e-readers has done to their environment. 

My other favorite quote from the book:

This was the annoying side of the feedback loop; irrespective of how she had once looked or even wanted to look, [the lady of shallot] was now a pre-raphaelite beauty... She wasn't the only one to be physically morphed by reader expectation....Harry Potter was seriously pissed off that he'd have to spend the rest of his life looking like Daniel Radcliffe.

Work published my Travel Blog

A few weeks ago, HR sent out an e-mail asking for people to submit Travel Blogs.  I edited an old entry I had on Livejournal about the trip I took to London with Dad.  I didn't think it would be a big deal so I didn't really tell anyone about it.  You know it's one of those things that you don't feel is important and you're somewhat embarrassed that you had the courage to do it at all.  The work blog is not any great thing, even around the office, but I have to say I am excited that they decided to use my entry. (look for "Travel Stories: Kathryn Sampson" on their list)

Apparently the head of the HR Blog team felt the entry was relevant given the situation going on in Japan right now.  I suppose I can see her point as the part at the end deals with my visit to the Beowulf manuscript and the questions I have about what will remain in another 1000 years.  I talk, very briefly, about the mutability of life and how all sorts of natural disasters can wipe out anything human beings dare to create.

On second thought, here is the exact entry as posted on their blog:

Kathryn traveled to Europe with her father and I think this is a perfect travel article as we ponder what has happened in Japan-what will remain thousands of years from now and will we have somewhat of an impact on our future generations. Thank you Kathryn for allowing us to ponder those deep questions. Take a look at her blog: When I graduated from college, my father agreed to take me to London for a long weekend.  It was, and still is, one of the most memorable trips of my life. Our first stop was St. Paul’s Cathedral.  I really wanted to go up to the Whispering Gallery; 99 feet from the floor of the cathedral, which doesn't sound like a lot until you start climbing. The stairs wound round the tower like a lighthouse.  But it was worth the effort as once you are there you can whisper into the wall, you can hear it all the way around the gallery.  It was like a scene in a movie where the main character is being haunted by voices. (Think Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when he can hear the snake behind the walls.)  At first, the tourists were timid and embarrassed to try the acoustics. Then the guard started encouraging people to play with the Gallery by whispering instructions for the patrons to follow. My father and I sat together on one of the benches to catch our breath and my father started making critical comments about the guy’s ensemble and joking about what he must do all day.  That’s when a voice floated around the Gallery. “There are no secrets in the Whispering Gallery,” it said. Startled, we both looked up and saw the guard tip his hat to us.  Next, we hopped the tube to Westminster Abbey.  I didn't realize that most of the Kings and Queens were buried there. Not to mention the graves and tributes to many famous writers, scientists, and explorers.  The tombs, monuments, and effigies were absolutely amazing. Some were incredibly ornate and others were as simple as a stone slab. Then there were several that seemed to be lost in time; smooth granite slabs where the writing was worn away from centuries of pedestrians. Elizabeth I's tomb has her lying in effigy on a massive stone bed. The guide said she is buried with her sister Mary and there's a plaque that says something about separation in life and may the Protestants and Catholics be united. It was so very cool. Then Mary, Queen of Scots is buried on the exact opposite side of the Abbey as if to balance the church. Then there was the tomb of the Unknown Soldier, front and center with highest of honors and sincere reverence. It was very striking with the black granite, gold inscription, and contrasting red flowers framing the whole thing. But the most amazing thing to me was the area containing the stalls of the Knights of the Sacred Order of the Bath, or something like that. There were these wooden seats, originally intended for a choir, with very intricate carvings on the posts and a coat of arms displayed on a metal plate. The plates ran from the very recent to the very ancient. On top of each seat, or stall, was a knight's helmet, or something similar, with different colored banners. Two rows of these stalls on either side of the Hall with a King Henry at the end and a very ornate ceiling in the middle. Finally, the highlight of my trip was seeing the original Beowulf manuscript. Over in a dark corner of the British Library the thousand year old treasure sits right next to an original copy of The Canterbury Tales. Two of the most important pieces in English Literature; the oldest surviving document in any European language and the oldest piece of literature in recognizable and comprehensible English were in the same case! With everything I had seen over the weekend, I wondered what their creators would have thought of their survival. Did they have that far of a vision? As human beings are we even capable of comprehending the importance of the things we do? Fire, War, Natural Disasters can destroy so much of our efforts. In a thousand years, what will remain?  Like the scene in The Day After Tomorrow, if you could save one thing, what would you preserve for future generations? What do you think would give them the best understanding of our culture? Our time here is very finite, and yet, at that moment, I felt so very connected to people long since gone. We are but pieces of this living, breathing, ever changing culture. But what are we working towards? Kathryn SampsonSafeNet, Columbia Office

Swindon UK

I recently starting reading the new Thursday Next book, written by Jasper Fforde, and I've decided I would like to try and visit the real-life Swindon when we fly to Bristol.  It's about 40 miles East of Bristol, so I'm not sure how plausible this is.  I could, of course, always go by myself and find my way back to Cardiff to meet up with the Dads before our flight back to Dublin.  (This might solve more than one problem, as my sister is quite upset that we're going to Wales together.)

It looks like it's only about 35 minutes from Bristol so it is entirely possible.  The only question is whether or not I would want to go by myself. 

St. Patrick's Day

I went out with my dad for St. Patrick's Day, as planned.  I told him about what happened with Boyfriend and he told me I shouldn't come out if I didn't feel up to it.  Honestly, I'd like to stay under my covers and only come out for work and food when I felt like it.  But that is absolutely no way to live my life and the world isn't going to stop for me.  My dad told me a long time ago that you can either stay in bed and feel sorry for yourself or get up and do something until you feel better.  Granted he was talking about actual sickness at the time, but I think it still applies.

My aunt surprised us at the bar and I'm afraid it wasn't exactly the party she was looking for, though you really wouldn't know to look at the pictures.  I didn't drink nearly as much as I had originally intended to, but this is perhaps better for my diet as well as my emotional well-being.  For the most part, I'm still not sure what to think about this whole thing.

I'm trying to focus on the Ireland trip next month.  The days are counting down and I have limited time to get everything together.  I'm still waiting on my passport (I have two more weeks before I can truly panic about it).  Though I did decide what article of clothing I am definitely taking with me on the journey.  (That counts as packing, right?)  My VT t-shirt from the Maryland Meet-up last year.   Oddly enough, the one that took place in the very same bar we went to for St. Patty's Day.

They Can't Take That Away From Me

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they can't take that away from me

'Tis not so bitter cold but I am still sick at heart

At some point, I need to realize what I know when I know it. I am far more perceptive than I give myself credit for and questions or doubts in my mind are not always unfounded.  I know things before I want to know them.

Boyfriend and I broke up last night. He's in a terrible place, emotionally, and didn't feel that he would fall in love with me. Though he made sure to tell me that I was his best friend and one of the most important people in his life right now. That he could go on dating me and didn't really want to break up, but he didn't think it was fair to me.  It's not the worst break-up I've ever had, but it's the most disappointing.  There are so many things that we'll never get to now.   There's beer I helped make that I'll never get to see how it turned out.  The thing is, I would have gone on as it was, I didn't want to break up either.  I was happy there, but you can't make someone feel something they don't.  And, as great as we were together,  staying would only make one or both of us resentful in the end.

I don't even know what to feel right now. My heart is empty and my head is full. There are a lot of maybes that are going to drive me crazy; a lot of what if's that will bug me for a long time, but for now there is work. There is continuing with Weight Watchers and working on things in my individual life to keep me distracted. But I am heartsick and there's no one to sing "soft kitty" to me, even though heartsick is a type of sickness.

A Positive View of Japan

I can't help but keep reading the news and blogs about what's happening in Japan right now.  NPR keeps frightening me with their reports about the Nuclear Reactor in Fukushima and then I run back to Barry Brook's blog to check his updates and see how accurate the news really is.  While he does state in his post that the information coming out of Japan isn't complete and he doesn't have 100% accurate data, his entries do help to explain the science behind what's going on.

from Darrell Nelson's post
"Life in Chiba, Japan Goes On"

But then I also came across a post like this: Trends in Japan.  It has pictures from areas outside of the affected areas and shows that life is still going on as normal as possible for most people on the island.  A lot of the media reports make it seem that the entire country is dealing with this crisis in the same way.  Obviously people nearest the earthquake are going to have the hardest time.  But I have to agree Darrell Nelson and Michael Keferi, the authors of the two posts on Trends in Japan, it's important to see that the whole country isn't devastated.  Yes there is some damage, the heart of the country, the people, and their culture is still beating and Japan will recover given time. 

Editors

My work blog asked for entries on Travel from the employees, so I submitted one about my trip to London several  years ago.  Today, I get an edited version of the entry and was asked to okay it for posting tomorrow.  Thankfully, I read it before I said anything.  I know that the girl who does this at work works on the blog in her free-time and it's not necessarily one of her job duties.  And for this, I am very thankful.

She cut out the entire point of one of the paragraphs.  I was talking about my trip to St. Paul's Cathedral and how my father and I didn't realize our voices would carry in the Whispering Gallery.  We were being critical of the guard's attire and duties and the guy obviously heard us because we heard a disembodied voice say, "there are no secrets in the whispering gallery."  We looked up and the guard was staring straight at us.  Why we didn't realize our voices would carry in the Whispering Gallery of all places, I do not know.  But the girl cut out the part about my dad and I talking smack.  So it really read, "I went to see the whispering gallery and the guard said,blah, on our way out." 

Then she edited a part about the Globe Theatre with a small sentence about the Millennium Bridge so that it looks like my father and I had a discussion about British Television and Shakespeare on the actual bridge.  What I wrote was that the women who gave the tour at the Globe looked like a character on "Keeping up Appearances," and she couldn't believe we like Titus Andronicus.  Very different, indeed.

I edited it myself, taking out the story about the Globe Theatre, and got it down to one print page for the blog.  So hopefully there aren't any further edits to my stuff.  I'm not saying I am a great writer, I would say I am pretty mediocre at best, but there are things I would never, never do.  Like this sentence, which was edited into my blog: "the daunting task of climbing the daunting trip to the top."  That's when I knew I had to completely rewrite this entry for work.  I write many of these entries hastily and don't go back and edit properly, but for work I wanted to make sure it was the best I had to offer.

More on the Earthquake in Japan

All weekend, I've been hearing about the nuclear power plant in Fukushima.  It's frightening news, even here in the United States.  I did read an interesting blog this morning that put my mind at ease a bit.  In the post, Barry Brook gives what he calls a "simple and accurate explanation" of the situation in Fukushima.  I would have to agree that it is a simple explanation of how a Nuclear Power Plant works and the design that goes into preventing a meltdown.  As for accuracy, I can't judge as I have no background in this.  But I've done a little more searching on the interwebs and found several articles that back him up. 



Example of Brook's Imagesfrom his blog
 http://bravenewclimate.com/2011/03/13/fukushima-simple-explanation/

 The radio, television, and internet media outlets seem to be over-hyping this part of the disaster.  Though I understand it is a serious thing and should be reported.  I know that it's the trend in news these days to report the sensational, or to report the real news in a sensational manor, so Brook's post was a welcome change.  I didn't feel that he talked down to his audience but rather explained things in a calm manner as a parent would to a young adult.  His use of images and diagrams were especially helpful as I could see exactly what he was talking about in his explanation.  I also appreciate his point that the architecture that went into this power plant lived up to and exceeded its design in the face of an 8.9 earthquake as it was only designed to sustain an 8.2. 

My sister wrote a blog about the earthquake in Japan and in it, she discussed the economic impact of this disaster and the recent revolutions around the globe.  As I said in an earlier post, my mother and her side of the family have an idea that these are signs of the end of times.  My sister goes into an explanation of why this simply isn't the case.  Though she is not as technical as Brook's she is equally as comforting for me to read.

Fools and their troubles

Do you ever have days where you feel completely foolish?  I have these worries in my head that attack me at the worst times.  If you know me, then it's no surprise that I have more than a few insecurities.  I have tried to remain open and un-jaded, but over the years that is simply difficult to do.  Things that I should be completely comfortable with and in, I start to doubt and worry about the future or my place in this or that.

Then a day will pass and something will bring me out of my funk.  It's then that I feel foolish.  Because I do have a great many things going well for me right now and to doubt that will invite trouble.  But it will be trouble of my own making...

Earthquake in Japan

If you haven't been living in a cave for the last 24 hours, you are undoubtedly aware of the earthquake that took place off the shore of Japan earlier today.  This is the link to the Google Crisis Response Page.  And there are some really interesting and moving images on the Huffington Post Website that show before and after shots of the area.  A couple of the girls at work today couldn't help but cry when they saw videos of the Tsunami.  I don't know anyone there, so I wasn't as emotional about the events but I couldn't help but watch the footage with a bit of morbid awe.

The shear force of nature in this case is amazing.  The destruction and death is truly horrible, but I can't get over the size of the waves or how easily it wiped out entire fields and crops.  I feel badly for the people in that situation and I can't imagine how frightening it must have been in real life.  The after effects will be large and numerous.  I don't know how people will eat or where they will live and I am sending every one of my positive thoughts and prayers in their direction.  I'll make sure to schedule my regular blood donation with the Red Cross and I'll try and give a little extra out of this coming paycheck to the relief efforts. 

But you have to wonder in the game of Man vs. Nature who is ultimately going to win?

Eponine is Mocking Me

I wrote the other night that I didn't identify with Eponine as I once did.  Today I can't help but hear her echo in my head. 

Weight Watchers @ Work

Today we had our first official Weight Watchers Meeting at Work and I feel very positive about the whole thing.  All 15 people showed up and paid their money so we can actually continue the series for the entire 12 weeks.  They all seemed really excited about the program and I hope that we all see the results of our hard work by the end of it.

Weight Watchers at Work - the day before launch

Tomorrow starts our first ever Weight Watchers at Work meeting.  I am going to be paying about $12 more per month than the plain old monthly pass I have right now.  But it will mean that I actually go to the meetings every week and that I'll develop a support network at work.  So the benefits outweigh the costs right now.

I am very excited about getting this started and even more excited that I was the one who got it all organized.  Well the girls in the company upstairs really put us over the top and made it possible, but I've done all the leg-work with Weight Watchers and finding a meeting space, etc.  Part of me feels that we should have some sort of special lunch time food as part of the meetings, but then that sort of defeats the whole purpose of the meetings.  Unless we could turn it into a healthy foods potluck kind of deal where everyone brings in a dish, with the point values labelled, to share.  Maybe we can do this for our last class.  Though that wouldn't be a terrible idea for the group either, since they could guarantee at least one day on plan a week.

Heading over to the Dads' tonight, to plan our Ireland Trip!  Lots of good things are in the pipeline right now.  But I am not looking forward to the boyfriend's mom coming to visit.  I know he will be glad to see her and I don't begrudge him that at all.  It's just that I know we are not quite at that level where we are meeting parents and I won't get to see him that much while she is here.  She's helping him decorate and get his new house set up so she'll be here for a whole month.  He and I have had one other long separation like that, when he went home to visit his family last September, and that wasn't a problem as things have continued to develop since then so I am not entirely sure what part of me is worried about.  I get those doubtful thoughts swimming around my head, though.  I know I'll miss him, but will he miss me?  Am I important to him, etc.  Though there has been nothing in his behavior to justify this line of thinking.  In fact, our interactions continue to indicate the opposite of these second guesses.  But it's difficult to relax and just let it be sometimes.

Fun with Legos

Last night, my friend M invited me over to watch episodes of Dexter and drink a little scotch.  When I got there, the legos his nieces and nephews had played with during the day were still out and I couldn't help but build this.  I wanted it to have an actual door that opened and shut, but alas the pieces were not available and I had to make it a solid cube.  My friend, sadly, did not know what it was and thought it was simply some kind of building.

My biggest regret is that I don't carry my Dalek Sec around with me so that I could have photographed him with my wonderful creation.  Okay, maybe that is a little bit obsessive, but it would have been damn adorable on Facebook today.

Xpose Fitness

At work today, my co-worker gave me a coupon for her "gym."  I had mentioned that I needed to find one since my boyfriend is moving out of his apartment and into his first house so I'll lose access to his community fitness center.  My co-worker said that she had gone to this great place back in the day and was just starting up again and she thought I would really enjoy it.  When I looked at the coupon, I realized it was for a place called Xpose Fitness.

The whole point behind the Fitness Center is to tone your body through Pole and Exotic Dancing routines.  It mixes Pilate's, yoga, and other traditional routines with these routines for a total body workout.  My co-worker said that she had a new respect for the women that could pole dance as it requires one to lift one's own body weight.  I can barely do a chin-up let alone any fancy dancing on a pole, so I can understand her sentiment on this.  However, I just don't think it's for me.

I am not that confident in my own body to parade around in a class doing suggestive dance moves.  It could definitely help with my flexibility and could help create a certain sense of confidence, but I just don't think I'd be comfortable doing that.  Though, I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't a small part of me that was intrigued by the idea.

I am also curious as to what a feminist would think of it.  Not say that I am not a feminist and don't feel women should be equal, etc., but I don't know that I would label myself as a feminist.  Part of me wonders if this type of fitness routine plays into the whole Angel in the Kitchen, Devil in the Bedroom Stereotype.  And the other part of me thinks that this is a way to reclaim something that exploits women for their own sort of benefit.  But then again, is it playing into that whole set of "Hollywood" criteria that women have to be really fit and a little bit slutty to be seen as sexy?

Classes?

I am starting to look through the late Spring and Summer programs offered by the local Community Colleges.  I think an introductory course in accounting or possibly inventory management will be helpful in my job, not to mention part of my annual review in April.  It might give me an idea of whether or not this is something I want to pursue as a career.  I am also looking for a technical writing course as that is another possible career option.

An old high school friend of mine (who helped my boyfriend locate his new house) mentioned that his wife works for a local government contractor and wondered if I'd ever thought about sending my resumé over there.  I know that there are hiring bonuses for referrals and what not, so that is what prompted the question, but it's still something to think about.  One of my Hallmark co-workers' mom works in an area related to technical writing at the same company, if that is something I would like to pursue.

I sincerely like this job and the people here.  The benefits are very good and I am coming up on my additional third week of vacation this year, so I don't know that I am ready to rock the boat exactly.  But it's nice to know there are other options out there.  Part of the problem I ran into with my last job was that I was pretty much trapped in that job.  OR, at least, I thought I was.  I was worried when I was suddenly unemployed because I didn't know where I could go and make the same amount of money.  But the trapped feeling had a lot to do with my co-workers relying on me.  My boss would constantly tell me that she hoped I would never leave because she didn't know what she would do without me.  Clearly we've both seen we were wrong and our lives have moved on just fine from that fixed point in time.

Maybe this is part of being a grown-up; to think about one's options and make the best decision for one's own well-being.

Nightmare - THE most frightening

Last night, I had the most frightening nightmare I've had in a long time.  Basically, it's the end of the world.  People are dead or dying and the only solution is to take a cyanide pill.  Because whatever is going to happen is far worse than death, etc.  I was with my family (my dad, my step-dad, my mom, my sister, my aunt, and my cousins) and they were all deciding whether to commit suicide or not.  In the dream, I asked my family what would come after and no one knew.  I felt that I absolutely could not go through with it, but one by one they all made the decision to die.  When my sister decided to take the pill it was more than I could stand.  I pulled her into a hug and told her that I wouldn't live in a world where she wasn't.  That I couldn't get on without her and then I swallowed the pill myself.  I watched everyone slowly close their eyes and go to sleep.  I tried to wake them and couldn't.  I felt my own eyes growing heavy and only darkness was there when I let them close, so I fought it.  The decision had already been made and there was nothing I could do to change it, but I was so afraid of what would happen after.  Danielle was the last to close her eyes and I was left alone, waiting for whatever would happen.  When I finally closed my eyes there was only darkness; I could feel myself slipping away to nothing and I was terrified.  I woke up to reality as soon as my dream self let go of its life.

My heart was beating so fast, I thought I might have a heart attack right there.  It was 2:30 in the morning and that fear had settled in my chest.  I was terrified to go back to sleep which, of course, seems foolish now, but I couldn't bear to close my eyes to the darkness even if it was only temporary sleep.  It's eight hours later, I can still recall every detail of that dream and I can't stop thinking about it.  The thought that there could be nothing after this life frightens me more than anything (even the traditional thought of eternal damnation, or Hell) and yet it is a distinct possibility.  My boyfriend tried to be very helpful this morning when I recounted the dream to him.  He told me about an experiment wherein someone who was very close to death entered a sealed chamber.  The person's weight was constantly measured before death, the moment of death, and immediately after death.  Apparently, there was a definite loss in weight at the moment of death.  I suggested that this was due to gases escaping the body, etc and my boyfriend said that it wouldn't matter because the entire chamber was sealed and weighed so that wouldn't change it.  I'm not sure how true this is, but it was mildly comforting.

I'm not sure where this came from exactly.  I think it was definitely influenced by my mother's talk of End Times this past week and also a little bit of seeing Les Misérables the other night.   Still, it's pretty depressing and I can't seem to shake the feeling.

According to Dreammoods.com :

Armageddon
To dream about Armageddon, suggests that you are feeling hopeless and out of control. The dream may be triggered from the deep emotional stress that you are experiencing in your waking life.

Okay, I don't think I have deep emotional stress.  My life is actually much better than it's been in a long time.  Though yesterday was a little stressful because of end of month deadlines at work, but no more than usual.

Suicide
To dream that you commit suicide, represents your desperate desire to escape from your waking life. You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life.�

To see someone commit suicide in you dream, highlights your concerns for that person. Consider what characteristics and qualities in that person you may be trying to "kill" and annihilate in your own self. Perhaps you hope that you are not like this person and are making attempts to get rid of those traits within your own self.�

I can see how this can apply to me right now.  I have been working very hard this year and creating a better version of me. 

Death
To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what you like about them. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, the dream indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life anymore. In particular, to dream about the death of your parents, indicates that you are undergoing a significant change in your waking life. Your relationship with your parents has evolved into a new realm.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To dream that you are faking your own death, suggests that you are looking for a new start. You need some change in your life.

This makes sense, too.  I am 30 years old now.  Clearly my parents don't play the same role in my life and I feel like I am undergoing significant change in my waking life.  I've written about it often enough over the last two months.

Les Misérables



Hippodrome Theatre courtesy of their website

 Last night, I went to see Les Misérables at the Hippodrome Theatre in Baltimore.  The last time I saw it I believe I was 21 and the first time I was 16.  Of course, those were the original productions and not the 25th anniversary production I saw last night.

from http://www.broadwayinchicago.com/

To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the musical, Cameron Mackintosh re-staged the whole thing.  All the sets were redone and the revolving stage taken out.  It was definitely a different experience from my previous ones and not entirely because of the fancy new pieces in the show.  I feel like this show was shorter than the previous two I've seen (we were finished by 11:00pm and the show started at 8:00pm) and the stage felt much smaller.  The last time I saw this show, it was in the same theatre, the revolving stage took up several of the first few rows.  So it was a physically smaller space, but my father described it as more intimate and I have to agree.  I noticed there were a couple of verses cut on minor songs and the scene transitions didn't take as long.  But it all flowed very well and I had to actually listen to my Complete Symphonic Recording from 1988 to remember the differences.

I also noticed that the singing style was a little different from the previous times I've seen it.  I had my suspicions confirmed by a review in the Chicago Tribune,  The orchestrations and singing were updated for a more contemporary sound.  Which explains why Eponine could have easily been seen on American Idol.  I also have to agree with the author of the article, the stationary barricade lost something in this production.  Gavroche is killed offstage in this new production and I personally feel that takes away from the emotional impact of that scene.  Also the sight of the barricade after the battle with all of the students in their final poses isn't nearly as powerful as it was in previous showings.  Still, I couldn't help but cry in the usual places.  One lady was even kind enough to offer me a tissue.

I am a very different person coming to this show, too.  I loved this show when I was younger.  I have the original Broadway cast, the London cast, and the Complete Symphonic Recording (aka the All-Star version).  But sitting there last night I couldn't help but realize how incredibly depressing the entire show really is.  I was also unaware of how religious the show is.  Everything is tied up in this idea of religion and absolutes.  Very good commentary on it, of course, but it makes me wonder how heavy-handed it might be in the original book.  But back to the point, always before I identified with Eponine, pining away for someone that will never return her affections.  And to be sure she is developed better, as a character, than dear Cosette.  "On My Own" really struck me differently this time, however, and looking back I can't help but think of the lyric "without me, his world will go on turning," this morning.  Because it is really true, she dies in his arms at the barricade and then he's right back to Cosette.  I felt bad for Eponine, as I usually do, but I also had this feeling like she could have done better and I sincerely doubt that Marius and Cosette have a true and lasting love.  Oh, wait, maybe I don't feel that differently about the love triangle.

Still, I didn't feel every song the way I used to.  It wasn't like the words were written for my specific situations.  Of course, my life was never quite as desperate as Fantine's or as hopeless as Eponine's but it felt that way sometimes.  This time, I truly was an observer.  I watched the show and I was moved to tears, but it wasn't part of me.  I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I was glad for it.  It was like a measuring tape for how far I've come in the last 14 years.  I still have my compassion and can, literally, sob for the characters but it's no longer my life.

Passports

I sent off my Passport Renewal application today.  Had one of the best experiences at a Post Office I've had in a long time.  I went over to the smaller Clarksville office today in hopes that the line would not be as long as the one in Columbia and I was not disappointed.  The woman behind the counter was very helpful and directed me through the process of sending my renewal application with tracking numbers and second day delivery.  I guess that a lot of younger people haven't had a lot of experience with the post office and she was very understanding.  Usually I go to FedEx or UPS to send anything to my family in other states, but I may consider going back to this post office and taking advantage of the cheaper postage rates and shorter wait time.

I have a little less than two months before my trip to Ireland and I opted not to pay the extra $60 for expedited service.  I could be pressing my luck, but the website said 4-6 weeks for processing and delivery.  I have the post office delivering everything to the Passport Agency in less than 2 days so I am hoping that will help cut the time down a little bit.  I should probably call and see if the Passport people are running on schedule or if they have a lot of demands right now.

This is my first step of the trip to Ireland.  Dad gave me the airfare as a birthday present, and a fantastic one it was, so I don't have to worry about that.  I am a little concerned because I spent a little more than I had planned this weekend and I still have to get the 40K mile service performed in my car.  So my savings is taking a serious hit this week.  But I may get lucky and the quarter bonus at work will come through before I leave for the trip.  I hope that I am able to save enough before I leave so that I am not struggling when I get back.  I am sure I will have enough for the trip, but I don't want to spend everything I have in savings and have a difficult time after the fact.

Melancholy

My mother leaves tomorrow.  I agreed to pick up a shift at my second job tonight because someone had a family member die and you can't really say no in that situation.  But I am incredibly sorry that I agreed to do it at all.  I've tried all morning to find someone to work the hours and no one is available.  So I kind of feel like I am wasting time going to work.  Not like I won't see my mother again, but I just see her so rarely that it feels that way.  I'll see her for a few hours when I get home tonight and then have to say goodbye in the morning before I leave for my day job.

I know I wanted my mom to be here for my 30th birthday, but I should have considered the complications of having her here at the end of the month.  I can't take time off from my day job, and really that's all I want to do, because my deadline for entering all the invoices is tomorrow.  I don't really know when I'll get to see her again, either.  I don't know if we're doing Thanksgiving at Danielle's or her place, or even if I'll be able to go.  Her car isn't sound enough to drive up here like she drives to see my sister and a plane ticket is really an expense for her.  It's like I miss her already and she's still here.

I don't want to go to my second job tonight but there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.  It's really just a big reminder of why I want to leave that place so badly.  Not because it's terrible, it's really not, it just cuts into my valuable time with people I care about.  I need to be finished with this job by the end of summer, Thanksgiving at the latest.  I can't stand trying to negotiate extended time off to visit my family again.  But then I would also like to save as much money as possible.  To take the trips I want to take and get more than two stamps in my passport over the next ten years.  Maybe yearly reviews will make this easier.